under the layers

yesterday i posted a letter to my baby girl. and reread the letter i wrote to my baby boy.

it made me think.

would my mom have written me a letter like this? saying these same things? yes, i think she would. in fact...she did. i have a stack of letters my parents wrote to me, starting during my mom's pregnancy up until i was two. all of them telling me how much they loved me, what a beautiful baby i was, and that they only wanted the best for me. i started out innocent, a precious baby just like everyone else.

somewhere along the way something got in the way of that. i was abused. i became angry, depressed, lost, full of hurt and pain--trying to survive, inflicting pain on those around me because i couldn't deal with it myself.

so does that change who i am, deep down, at the core? who i started this life as?

i suppose you could debate this. yes, and no. one thing that i've grown up learning about (but never really believing) is that i have a divine nature, that i am a child of God, and as such i have worth. that no matter what choices i make, God still loves me and i am still worth something.

i don't know the last time i really, truly believed that i was worth something.

but here's the confusion, i guess. no matter what my children go through, no matter what they choose to do, i will love them. they will still be my children, my babies, pieces of me. no matter what life brings, or how they react to that, they will always be who they are right now. it may become hidden, muddled, covered up, confused...but will who they are at the core ever change? i don't think so. my little buddy will always be my sweet little boy, giving his sister hugs and kisses, saying "a boo boo, mommy" (translation: i love you), and lighting up when he sees his daddy. my princess will always be just that--my princess. my sweet girl, giving me hugs, blowing raspberries and grinning huge grins, reaching her chubby little fingers out toward me. how could that ever change? even as they learn and grow, how could the light in their eyes, the innocence and joy they find in such small things go away?

we all grow up. we all change. and, like i said, the innocence gets covered up. but even if it's covered up, it's still there. sometimes we have to go through hundreds, or thousands, of layers to get to it. layers of hurt, of pain, of bad choices, of the consequences of others' choices.

so why can't i see that in myself? why do i only see worthlessness in myself? why do i hate myself so much over something someone else chose to do? why did i respond to that with such hate and anger? why do i take that hate and anger out on the people who love me most?

i never want my children to lose their childlike joy and innocence. maybe that's impossible. it was for me. but even as adults, we can find that, can't we?

i just have to figure out where to look...and how to go about finding it.