using the past to shape the future

a week ends, and another begins. time moves on. things change.

today i have been in a contemplative mood. at times my life does not feel like my own. i think about my past, what i have seen, what i have done, what i haven't done, and it feels like a dream. i think about my future. i think about what is happening now. in two years will today feel like a dream?

i have so many regrets. i have made so many poor choices. choices that, at the time, seemed like the right thing. choices that i had no idea would impact me in the way that they have. even the smallest of choices can cause such a massive ripple effect that your life will never be the same. you will change. those around you will change. your life can become something completely different.

i make millions of choices every day. whether i am choosing not to attend church on sunday (and instead blog about it on normal mormons), whether i am choosing to put the dishes off until tomorrow, or even if i choose to wear the blue shirt instead of the red one. some choices don't matter all that much (like what shirt to wear) and some do--like church attendance.

yesterday i had an opportunity to see some girls that lived in the dorms with me my freshman year of college. nearly 50 girls were invited, but only three came--including me. we met for breakfast at the dormitory cafeteria. i didn't really know the other two girls that came my freshman year. at least not well. i knew who they were, i knew who they hung out with, i knew which room was theirs. but i never really knew who they were. as i sat and talked to them, i was amazed. amazed at how well we got along. amazed at how much we had in common, about how easily we could talk, about the experiences they shared with me. and i was sad. sad that a few years ago i had every opportunity to get to know them. to be friends with them. why didn't i? because i made other choices. choices that, at the time, seemed like good ones. looking back now, i see they impacted me negatively. i missed out on so much. at the very least, i missed out on years of friendship with these fun, insightful, and compassionate girls. and who knows what else i missed?

but not every choice i made has had negative impacts on my life. even some of the bad choices i have made brought about good consequences. some of the best choices i have ever made, some of the seemingly small ones, have created the biggest, most wonderful results. like that day in september of 2005, when i got fed up with sitting at home every night. when i decided to check out that website. that website, that a few weeks later, led me to meet the man who is now my husband. who is now the father of my beautiful son. who would have thought that one seemingly small choice would change my life forever? would change me for eternity? i am so thankful that i decided to push aside the stigma attached to internet dating. i am so thankful that that man decided to send me an invitation to chat with him. he has become my entire world.

i hope that as i continue to learn and grow i can make more choices like that one. more choices that produce joy, that produce love, that produce happiness in my life and those around me.

how to be passive aggressive: prop 8 style

i originally posted this on my private blog...which is much more passive aggressive, since only 2 people read it...but hubby suggested i post it here, so i did.

1. receive approximately one million invitations to join "yes on prop 8" groups on facebook

2. notice that approximately one-third of your facebook friends have changed their profile pictures to "yes on 8" logos

3. notice that approximately half of your blogger/facebook/myspace friends are posting about voting yes on prop 8

4. get really, really sick of it

5. join about five "no on prop 8" groups on facebook so that people will notice that you do not support proposition 8, or the church's involvement in politics

6. hope that by being passive aggressive people will stop sending you crap about voting yes on 8. especially when YOU DON'T LIVE IN CALIFORNIA (AND EVEN IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT YOU WOULDN'T) ANYWAY. and most of them know this

7. post about being passive aggressive in a passive aggressive manner on a blog that hardly anyone reads anyway.

8. count down the minutes until november 5 and the stupid election will be over. finally!

9. hope you don't really offend anyone by this blog post even though very few people read it and if they're offended it's pretty sad anyway because you are allowed to have your own political views, even if they do differ from the church. and besides it doesn't make you any less faithful and besides that it is no one's place to judge

10. decide you probably shouldn't be passive aggressive, so you actually post your views on another public blog called "normal mormons" (partially to stir up controversy, chuckling evilly, but also partially to express the view you've been bottling up inside) so that people can know what you think and discuss it

so everyone should go read and discuss my post at normal mormons now.