leaves are falling, falling down

it's that time of year again.

my FAVORITE time of year. the leaves are changing colors and falling off the trees. while it's still monstrously hot during the day, the mornings are cooler, the sun is coming up later and my house smells like delicious pumpkin pie. (gotta love scented candles!) our local mountains are turning more red, orange and yellow as we speak. and you know what else fall brings?

that's right, HALLOWEEN!
when the ghoulies and ghosties come out to play, when pumpkins with big grins and scary faces are lit up, bats and witches fly through the night air and tricks and treats abound. i am so excited i put up my halloween decorations more than a week ago. i made a new wreath out of fall leaves for my door and put up our halloween countdown that i made a few years ago. we even came up with our costumes--the kids and i are going to be bumblebees and hubby is going to be a beekeeper. my little bees are going to be so stinkin' adorable. i'm really looking forward to trick or treating this year too, because little buddy will really understand the concept! and he'll be able to actually say "trick or treat."

and what comes with halloween?
one of my most favorite movies of all time...the nightmare before christmas.

one of life's little thrills of joy.

blonde to black

i dyed my hair black.

why, do you ask?

because i wanted to.

i have been a blonde my entire life. as i get older, my hair gets darker. i was in complete and total denial of the fact that i was no longer "blonde" but a "dirty dishwater blonde with streaks of light brown" (or some variation of that) for a long time. until a year or so ago i found long strands of dark brown hair on something (couch, probably) and was really upset because i didn't know who they belonged to....until i realized they belonged to me. talk about my self-perception shattering, i'd always been proud to be blonde.

so over the past few years i've thought a lot about going brunette. i've always decided not to out of nervousness (what if i hate it?) and out of my still-persistent state of denial (i AM a blonde, dang it!) and laziness (upkeep on roots? yuck.)

secretly, however, for a very long time, i have always fantasized about dying my hair black and getting it cut really short (i've had long hair most of my life, with a few exceptions) and going all punk-rock. unfortunately i'm not cool enough to pull off the punk-rock look.

so a few days ago, impulsively (or not, since i've been considering it for years) i spent a whopping $3 on a box of hair dye called "dark brown." one dye job later, my husband could barely tell a difference (i had to point it out to him) and no one else i met noticed, because the color wasn't that different (again, this state of denial. i thought i went from blonde to brown....but really from light brown to medium brown.) so then i decided it wasn't dark enough. another trip the the grocery store, another $3 on a box of hair dye i thought was titled "brown black" until i got it home and realized it was "soft black." so i said to myself, well, here's one of those things you can cross off your bucket list: dye your hair black.

so i did, and it was awful. my hair is ridiculously thick (i mean RIDICULOUSLY thick) and one box of dye was nowhere near enough. after rinsing and blow drying it was discovered that i had huge chunks of brown in my hair still. not so sexy. so another trip to the grocery store for a more expensive kind of hair dye, roping my hubby into helping me (since try as i may, i can't see the back of my head), and voila, i have black-ish hair. (all over this time, not just in chunks.) it still looks dark brown sometimes (like in this picture) but that's okay with me.

it's a little weird. and hubby says he likes it better lighter. so i don't know if it will last. but i did get to knock something off of my bucket list (which isn't really an actual list at this point), and i did something new and different for me, and overcame my denial about still being blonde.

next up, a haircut. it has been over a year since my last haircut and boy do my ends show it.

i know i've mentioned before that i've read the outlander series and really loved them. recently i decided to reread the first one and ran across a passage that really hit me. to give you a little background, the main character, jamie fraser, is accused of a crime he didn't commit in scotland in the year 1743. after being in prison and having been tortured and abused, he was talking to the other main character, claire, telling her about what his experience did to him mentally. he said,

"It's...difficult to explain. It's...it's like...I think it's as though everyone has a small place inside themselves, maybe, a private bit that they keep to themselves. It's like a little fortress, where the most private part of you lives--maybe it's your soul, maybe just that bit that makes you yourself and not anyone else. You don't show that bit of yourself to anyone, usually, unless sometimes to someone that ye love greatly.

Now, it's like...like my own fortress has been blown up with gunpowder--there's nothing left of it but ashes and a smoking rooftree and the little naked thing that lived there once is out in the open, squeaking and whimpering in fear, tryin' to hide itself under a blade of grass or a bit o' leaf, but...but not...makin' m-much of a job of it."

this---this, is what it is like to be abused.

i am made of clay

have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are? what it was that shaped you, made you, molded and created you into who you have become?

i ask myself, how did i become an overweight college drop-out, working part-time selling ties to make ends meet, with a less than stellar job and financial history, and even worse history with every relationship that matters most at the age of 24?

because of choices, that's why.

do you ever wish you could go back and relive your life? make different choices, become a different person?

i used to have so much potential. so many dreams. i had my whole life before me--my depression under control. i graduated high school top of my class, with a stack of scholarships and awards. i looked great (although i didn't think so at the time), i felt great, had tons of friends and thought i knew who i was. i had a plan, a path. i got a little freedom and it all began to unravel. poor choices. being overwhelmed. memories...nightmares...resurfacing. hormonal changes, triggers, my life darkened by post-traumatic stress disorder.

if i could go back and change what happened to me in my childhood, where would i be? who would i be? even if i could just go back six years, to eighteen, and relive it, make changes, deal with things differently--who would i be now?

i have one dream that has come true. i have a beautiful family. if i changed my childhood, would that change? my husband, my two perfect children. if i had found myself, would i have lost them?

i am made of clay, shaped by time, by circumstance, by my own hands and by the hands of others. at any given time one element has more impact than another.


i used to know who i was. but i used to be a different person. i have changed a lot in six years. i have changed a lot in 19 years...19 years since i first began to be abused. by far the majority of my life has been altered and negatively impacted by someone else's choices, by my own choices in reaction to it.

so who am i now?

send me away with the words of a love song

this is such a beautiful song i wanted to share.

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a gone
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh


The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls



If I Die Young by the Band Perry

when i get where i'm going

the other night i was driving home from work, and i wasn't in the best of moods. far from it, in fact. i was thinking about death because i tend to do that when things get overwhelming--wondering if life is really worth it, what happens when we die, is death better than life? some would say it's unhealthy for me to think about death. not thoughts of suicide, but of what happens after we leave this life. some say that life, as we know it, is really hell. some days i definitely agree with that stance. other days, though, i think this is a pretty awesome hell if that's what it really is. as i was thinking thoughts along this line, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. one i haven't heard in a long time. as i sang along i really thought about the words.

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.



and you know what?

when i get there, whenever that may be, the first thing i'm going to do...

is spread my wings and fly.

when i get where i'm going, by brad paisley, featuring dolly parton

will you forget?

every year it has been a tradition of ours to go to the local healing field. they have them all over the country--if you haven't been to one, go. it is an incredible experience.

i was glad to see (and overhear) that there were other families there teaching their kids about 9/11 and the thousands who died. it is important to us that our children know, and that we as a family never forget that day.

we live in a suburb of one of the largest cities in our state. it is only about a half hour drive or so to get downtown. yesterday morning i headed downtown to attend a baby shower for a friend. between our apartment and their house i passed at least twenty american flags. take a guess at how many were half-mast. TWO. in the largest city in our state, there were two flags half-mast. i was appalled--disgusted, even. it has been a short nine years since 9/11/01 and already people are forgetting. the two flags that were half-mast? the local national guard office and a grocery store. on the way home i took the long way to our apartment and drove past the office. our complex is pretty big. no surprise that the flag was all the way up. i called the front office and told them i was a resident and noticed the flag was not half-mast. the girl goes, "oh yeah, i guess today is september 11th. i'll call maintenance and have them put it down." really? i couldn't believe that. this attitude of complacency is what makes me so unhappy. what a sad way to honor all those people who lost their lives, the soldiers who have been killed since, and even america as a whole.

i can guarantee that i will never forget. fifty years from now i will still get tears in my eyes, put my own flag at half mast, and honor the men and women who died for our country. i will still remember that september morning, watching planes fly into buildings, towers collapsing, people running--and feeling afraid and helpless. i will never forget where i was, what i was doing, how i felt.

will you forget?

nine years ago

this is how i'm feeling today

a picture is worth a thousand words and i have seven.

i purposefully chose the images of little girls....because it is the little girl inside of me crying for her mommy and daddy to protect and love her.

the adult is confused, frustrated and angry...feeling betrayed by the people who are supposed to love and comfort her, validate and help her.

i'm glad i have my husband to protect me and love me and stand up for me.

it's just part of life, right?

so i've mentioned how much my kids love signing time. so much that not only do we watch it, but we also listen to it constantly in the car.

here is one of the songs on perma-repeat.

It's just part of life, you bump and bruise and fall
Sometimes seems like everyday and sometimes not at all

When you're hurt you always become better
When you fall down you always get back up
And when you cry it never lasts forever
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out

It's just part of life and hugs can save the day
With kisses and a bandage we're ready to go play

When you're hurt you always become better
When you fall down you always get back up
And when you cry it never lasts forever
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out

this song is good and it's also bad, at least for me. crying doesn't last forever. being hurt? do we always become better? physically, usually, sure. emotionally? at times i have a hard time believing that i will ever be better. when i fall i sometimes want to just stay down on the ground. my husband is there telling me he'll help me feel better...giving me hugs and kisses, bandaging my emotional wounds. but bandages don't always fix it. every time i hear this song it makes me think.

there is more drama with my parents. (what else is new?) i've distanced myself from them over the last month and a half or so because i've been focusing on trying to heal--and the constant stream of criticism i get from them is far from helping me. with the baby's first birthday coming up in less than a month i sent them an email outlining some boundaries if they choose to come to her birthday party. the response was exactly what i thought it would be--a total blatant disregard for my feelings, completely invalidating me and denying any kind of wrong-doing on their part. as usual. it's like they think it will kill them to admit that they've screwed up here and there with me. then they place all blame on me. i wrote a response that i didn't send because it's just full of my frustration and hurt and years of pent up confusion and anguish where they are concerned. they say i'm the only one who "makes accusations" and tries to "instruct them on their behavior." probably because i'm the only one with the guts to do so, because i know for a fact there are others who feel the same way i do.

i want to have a good relationship with my parents, but i can't keep putting my mental health and the happiness of my own little family in jeopardy for them. i'm tired of maintaining a relationship based on what i HOPE it will become instead of what it is. i love my parents, i really do. they've done a lot of good things for me and i am grateful for that. i've told them that. so why is it so hard for them to just see they've made mistakes as well, own up to them and apologize? really that's all i'm asking for. the worst part is that their stubborn behavior is interfering with their relationship with their grandchildren which is hard on me, too. i want them to get to know my kids but not at the detriment of myself and my marriage.

so the big question is this: is a relationship with them really worth all the pain, hurt, invalidation and frustration i experience?

and why is it my siblings all seem to be able to take it--or ignore it? i took it for years and years...and now that i'm an adult i'm tired of it. i'm tired of them trying to control me, or support me in the way they think i need instead of what i actually need, what i'm telling them i need.

i wish they were there to help me out when i ask...HOW i ask. it doesn't matter if i say i should wear the red shirt and they tell me the blue one is best, that i'm wrong, even though i know i'm right...the red one is better for me...then they criticize me for choosing the red one and get mad because i'm not taking their advice. does that even make sense? then i always end up running back to them and apologizing, even though i know i was right, just to keep the peace.

i just don't know what to do anymore.

angel lullaby

lately we have been turning on music at night for little buddy to calm him down and get him to sleep. one of the cds i put on the mp3 player we keep in his room is the "goodnight baby" cd from signing time. one night i was sitting in bed and the music was coming through the sound monitor. i hadn't actually listened to all the songs on the cd, and i was surprised when i heard rachel coleman singing "angel lullaby," which is a song from "my turn on earth," an LDS play written in the 1970s. (the songwriter for this play, lex de azevedo, is rachel coleman's father. rachel and her sister created signing time.) this song is very special to me, because it is one of the few positive memories i have of my childhood--my mother singing this song to me.

You came from a land where all is light
To a world half day and a world half night
To guide you by day you have my love
And to guard you by night your friends above

So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends
So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends

There's one, stands softly by your bed
And another sits close with a hand on your head
There's one at the window watching for the dawn
And one waits to wake you when the night is gone

So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends
So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends

this is the only video of the actual song i could find on youtube, i'm not sure who these people are but it's a photo journey of their son.

i would like a definitive answer, please

my life has been so full of ups and downs lately i just don't know what to do here. tuesday i saw a new doctor. my new EMDR therapist referred me to her for med management and also to have labs done, because she suspected i might have a hormone imbalance that is interfering with my treatment. she also said that she doesn't really think i'm bipolar, that it's more of a symptom than a diagnosis. besides, my regular med doc moved (which i'm bummed about because i really liked her) so i needed a new one anyway.

well i sat down and within about ten minutes of me giving her my medical history and background she told me i made it really easy for her--that it was obvious i had a major hormone imbalance. she thinks that all of my mood swings, migraines, exhaustion, the problems i have with pregnancy, issues with meds that don't work, etc. is all because i have too much estrogen and not enough progesterone. obviously she can't be 100% sure because i haven't had the labs done yet. so i'm getting the labs done and hopefully we'll have some better answers. i really liked her and she definitely seemed like she knew what she was talking about. she told me she's pretty much positive that i'm not bipolar. argh. am i, or aren't i?

tomorrow i have my second appointment with my EMDR therapist. i'm looking forward to it. the EMDR we did last time helped and hasn't "worn off" as i was kind of concerned that it would. she has me reading this book called "the ultramind solution" that talks about how our bodies affect mental disorders. it's really interesting. the doctor that wrote it says that systemic issues such as hormone imbalances, food allergies (especially things like gluten) and poor nutrition, toxic environments, brain inflammation, stress, lack of energy and poor digestion can call work together to give us "broken brains." his theory is that when you take out the bad stuff and add the good to your body as a whole it will improve and sometimes get rid of things like depression, bipolar disorder, autism, alzheimers, ADHD, memory problems, etc. i'm only a little bit into it but so far i've learned quite a bit about my body's interaction with my brain. so we'll see if it's really something that will help or not...it seems a little gimmicky but it's worth a try, right?

so i'm really kind of frustrated. am i bipolar? am i just crazy? why is it that no one seems to know what is really going on with me? is it really just something as simple as a hormone imbalance that should have been treated YEARS ago? it it because i eat a lot of gluten? i have a whole ton of questions and no one knows any answers. i know i'm really annoyed with this, though.

for the twilight fans out there

bah ha ha....i thought it was funny.