the funeral

today was grandma's funeral.

it was a beautiful service. the viewing was last night. she looked so...unnatural. i can't explain it. i think because even at 87 my grandma was always so full of life, so bright and animated, so...lit up. seeing her so still was just...wrong. and i don't think i've ever had that feeling before at a viewing, and i've been to several.

in spite of the fact that it was a funeral, i did enjoy it. it was fun to hear about my grandmother and her life. my dad played the piano, her favorite song: laura's theme from dr. zhivago. my great-aunt and uncle sang. all of her great-grandchildren (including me) sang. her children all spoke (with the exception of my grandmother, who was too sick, my aunt read a poem for her).

i was dreading the viewing, and the funeral. not because it is so sad that my grandmother has passed. but because i knew my uncle would be there. and i did not want to see him, to be anywhere near him. and yet...there is no way in HELL i would have missed being there.

he avoided me, and my husband. even visibly changing his path when he saw us coming his direction. but just being in the same room made me anxious. the thing that made me most upset is the fact that nearly everyone there (except my immediate family, parents and siblings, me and hubby) acted as if nothing had happened. my cousins were all around him, talking to him. it makes me sick. they all know what happened to me and my sister. they all know he's a convicted sex offender. and yet it seems as if they don't care that their small children are around him. it's so....invalidating. like no one cares about what i've been through, what he's put me through, what he's put the family through. i saw him holding his daughter and i ached inside. for her. i hope he hasn't touched her. i hope she will be okay. but who knows? and what on earth was his wife thinking, marrying and having children with a known pedophile? he was convicted while they were dating. apparently she didn't care considering they've got two kids together now.

i'm so glad that i had my hubby there. he is such a huge support to me. he took care of the kids who didn't want to sit still or be quiet so i could sit through the entire funeral services and listen. he ran after little buddy so i could talk to my family, many of whom i rarely see. (only at weddings, funerals, and the rare family reunion.) he was there for me when i needed him, and i felt much stronger being around my uncle because i knew he was there to protect me.

i am glad that is behind me. i am glad i can move forward, instead of living with the anxiety of knowing i have to be around him.

i have been wondering over the past week or so, what my grandma is thinking as she sees us from a different perspective now. i believe she is with my grandpa. and her other family and friends who have passed on. is she proud of me? would she be proud of what she sees? of who i am and what i am doing? i don't know. i know she wouldn't be proud of a lot of what i do. but i also know that she loves me no matter what. i want to make her proud. i want to make hubby proud. i want to make myself proud.

i have a lot of work to do. i just don't know where to begin. another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. we will be starting back into my abuse. i'm nervous. i'm anxious. i don't want to talk about this...but i want to. because i need to. i'm ready to put this behind me, to start fixing, REALLY fixing, my problems...taking care of my anger, growing and maturing emotionally.

wish me luck.