leaves are falling, falling down

it's that time of year again.

my FAVORITE time of year. the leaves are changing colors and falling off the trees. while it's still monstrously hot during the day, the mornings are cooler, the sun is coming up later and my house smells like delicious pumpkin pie. (gotta love scented candles!) our local mountains are turning more red, orange and yellow as we speak. and you know what else fall brings?

that's right, HALLOWEEN!
when the ghoulies and ghosties come out to play, when pumpkins with big grins and scary faces are lit up, bats and witches fly through the night air and tricks and treats abound. i am so excited i put up my halloween decorations more than a week ago. i made a new wreath out of fall leaves for my door and put up our halloween countdown that i made a few years ago. we even came up with our costumes--the kids and i are going to be bumblebees and hubby is going to be a beekeeper. my little bees are going to be so stinkin' adorable. i'm really looking forward to trick or treating this year too, because little buddy will really understand the concept! and he'll be able to actually say "trick or treat."

and what comes with halloween?
one of my most favorite movies of all time...the nightmare before christmas.

one of life's little thrills of joy.

blonde to black

i dyed my hair black.

why, do you ask?

because i wanted to.

i have been a blonde my entire life. as i get older, my hair gets darker. i was in complete and total denial of the fact that i was no longer "blonde" but a "dirty dishwater blonde with streaks of light brown" (or some variation of that) for a long time. until a year or so ago i found long strands of dark brown hair on something (couch, probably) and was really upset because i didn't know who they belonged to....until i realized they belonged to me. talk about my self-perception shattering, i'd always been proud to be blonde.

so over the past few years i've thought a lot about going brunette. i've always decided not to out of nervousness (what if i hate it?) and out of my still-persistent state of denial (i AM a blonde, dang it!) and laziness (upkeep on roots? yuck.)

secretly, however, for a very long time, i have always fantasized about dying my hair black and getting it cut really short (i've had long hair most of my life, with a few exceptions) and going all punk-rock. unfortunately i'm not cool enough to pull off the punk-rock look.

so a few days ago, impulsively (or not, since i've been considering it for years) i spent a whopping $3 on a box of hair dye called "dark brown." one dye job later, my husband could barely tell a difference (i had to point it out to him) and no one else i met noticed, because the color wasn't that different (again, this state of denial. i thought i went from blonde to brown....but really from light brown to medium brown.) so then i decided it wasn't dark enough. another trip the the grocery store, another $3 on a box of hair dye i thought was titled "brown black" until i got it home and realized it was "soft black." so i said to myself, well, here's one of those things you can cross off your bucket list: dye your hair black.

so i did, and it was awful. my hair is ridiculously thick (i mean RIDICULOUSLY thick) and one box of dye was nowhere near enough. after rinsing and blow drying it was discovered that i had huge chunks of brown in my hair still. not so sexy. so another trip to the grocery store for a more expensive kind of hair dye, roping my hubby into helping me (since try as i may, i can't see the back of my head), and voila, i have black-ish hair. (all over this time, not just in chunks.) it still looks dark brown sometimes (like in this picture) but that's okay with me.

it's a little weird. and hubby says he likes it better lighter. so i don't know if it will last. but i did get to knock something off of my bucket list (which isn't really an actual list at this point), and i did something new and different for me, and overcame my denial about still being blonde.

next up, a haircut. it has been over a year since my last haircut and boy do my ends show it.

i know i've mentioned before that i've read the outlander series and really loved them. recently i decided to reread the first one and ran across a passage that really hit me. to give you a little background, the main character, jamie fraser, is accused of a crime he didn't commit in scotland in the year 1743. after being in prison and having been tortured and abused, he was talking to the other main character, claire, telling her about what his experience did to him mentally. he said,

"It's...difficult to explain. It's...it's like...I think it's as though everyone has a small place inside themselves, maybe, a private bit that they keep to themselves. It's like a little fortress, where the most private part of you lives--maybe it's your soul, maybe just that bit that makes you yourself and not anyone else. You don't show that bit of yourself to anyone, usually, unless sometimes to someone that ye love greatly.

Now, it's like...like my own fortress has been blown up with gunpowder--there's nothing left of it but ashes and a smoking rooftree and the little naked thing that lived there once is out in the open, squeaking and whimpering in fear, tryin' to hide itself under a blade of grass or a bit o' leaf, but...but not...makin' m-much of a job of it."

this---this, is what it is like to be abused.

i am made of clay

have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are? what it was that shaped you, made you, molded and created you into who you have become?

i ask myself, how did i become an overweight college drop-out, working part-time selling ties to make ends meet, with a less than stellar job and financial history, and even worse history with every relationship that matters most at the age of 24?

because of choices, that's why.

do you ever wish you could go back and relive your life? make different choices, become a different person?

i used to have so much potential. so many dreams. i had my whole life before me--my depression under control. i graduated high school top of my class, with a stack of scholarships and awards. i looked great (although i didn't think so at the time), i felt great, had tons of friends and thought i knew who i was. i had a plan, a path. i got a little freedom and it all began to unravel. poor choices. being overwhelmed. memories...nightmares...resurfacing. hormonal changes, triggers, my life darkened by post-traumatic stress disorder.

if i could go back and change what happened to me in my childhood, where would i be? who would i be? even if i could just go back six years, to eighteen, and relive it, make changes, deal with things differently--who would i be now?

i have one dream that has come true. i have a beautiful family. if i changed my childhood, would that change? my husband, my two perfect children. if i had found myself, would i have lost them?

i am made of clay, shaped by time, by circumstance, by my own hands and by the hands of others. at any given time one element has more impact than another.


i used to know who i was. but i used to be a different person. i have changed a lot in six years. i have changed a lot in 19 years...19 years since i first began to be abused. by far the majority of my life has been altered and negatively impacted by someone else's choices, by my own choices in reaction to it.

so who am i now?

send me away with the words of a love song

this is such a beautiful song i wanted to share.

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a gone
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh


The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls



If I Die Young by the Band Perry

when i get where i'm going

the other night i was driving home from work, and i wasn't in the best of moods. far from it, in fact. i was thinking about death because i tend to do that when things get overwhelming--wondering if life is really worth it, what happens when we die, is death better than life? some would say it's unhealthy for me to think about death. not thoughts of suicide, but of what happens after we leave this life. some say that life, as we know it, is really hell. some days i definitely agree with that stance. other days, though, i think this is a pretty awesome hell if that's what it really is. as i was thinking thoughts along this line, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. one i haven't heard in a long time. as i sang along i really thought about the words.

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.



and you know what?

when i get there, whenever that may be, the first thing i'm going to do...

is spread my wings and fly.

when i get where i'm going, by brad paisley, featuring dolly parton

will you forget?

every year it has been a tradition of ours to go to the local healing field. they have them all over the country--if you haven't been to one, go. it is an incredible experience.

i was glad to see (and overhear) that there were other families there teaching their kids about 9/11 and the thousands who died. it is important to us that our children know, and that we as a family never forget that day.

we live in a suburb of one of the largest cities in our state. it is only about a half hour drive or so to get downtown. yesterday morning i headed downtown to attend a baby shower for a friend. between our apartment and their house i passed at least twenty american flags. take a guess at how many were half-mast. TWO. in the largest city in our state, there were two flags half-mast. i was appalled--disgusted, even. it has been a short nine years since 9/11/01 and already people are forgetting. the two flags that were half-mast? the local national guard office and a grocery store. on the way home i took the long way to our apartment and drove past the office. our complex is pretty big. no surprise that the flag was all the way up. i called the front office and told them i was a resident and noticed the flag was not half-mast. the girl goes, "oh yeah, i guess today is september 11th. i'll call maintenance and have them put it down." really? i couldn't believe that. this attitude of complacency is what makes me so unhappy. what a sad way to honor all those people who lost their lives, the soldiers who have been killed since, and even america as a whole.

i can guarantee that i will never forget. fifty years from now i will still get tears in my eyes, put my own flag at half mast, and honor the men and women who died for our country. i will still remember that september morning, watching planes fly into buildings, towers collapsing, people running--and feeling afraid and helpless. i will never forget where i was, what i was doing, how i felt.

will you forget?