i find it somewhat ironic (but completely typical) that on the very day i sing praises to my parents the universe sees fit to have my mother pull another stunt and make me cry. she's really good at that. lucky for me no one in my family cares enough to read my blog no matter how much i ask so i can bitch about it all i want.
as you know, my sister is getting married in a few weeks. and i am not a bridesmaid, because i am "older and married." well her bridal shower is coming up on saturday, and my youngest sister and i were supposed to be doing games for the shower. my youngest sister (we'll call her C) didn't want to help, she was also doing invitations, so i was going to do it myself. well yesterday afternoon i called my mom to make sure i could get a ride with her. and got attacked because C had been crying because she felt left out. and apparently C was the one supposed to be doing the whole shower because she's a bridesmaid. well i told my mom that i understood because i've been feeling left out too. her response? "well there's a difference between being an older and married sister and being a bridesmaid." oh, okay, i see. i got married so my feelings don't matter as much? i'm two years older so i shouldn't be a bridesmaid? it doesn't matter that i got a new dress, because i could have just worn anything i had since i'm not in the wedding party? it's a big deal that i wanted my husband to have a matching tie as all of the other men in the family since we're not included in the wedding party? i really shouldn't be doing anything for the damn shower because i'm not one of the bridesmaids?
then the real kicker. my mother being the lovely woman that she is made a snide comment about how much my sister C cried over being left out of my wedding and she didn't want that to happen this time. excuse me? first of all, they lived out of state. second of all, i did everything i could to include them. last of all, i spent nearly every day of my entire engagement in tears because of my parents. i didn't even know if my family was going to show up to my wedding until the week before. the day before my wedding i went through the temple for the first time, and my mother couldn't bother to be there. oh wait, until it was about four hours before we were supposed to be there and my dad called to tell me she had in fact decided to show up and they were on the way to the airport. my bridal shower? my mom was in the state visiting a friend and didn't show up. and whose fault is all of this? that's right--it's mine. it's my fault my family wasn't going to come. it's my fault my sister felt left out (when my parents are the ones that created the barrier). it's my own damn fault that my hubby's family paid for pretty much the entire wedding.
but can i tell my mom how i really feel? of course not. because it would end up being turned back around on me and i would end up feeling worse about myself than i already do. because i would end up sobbing hysterically and be depressed for a month. so instead i get to hold all of the hurt, the anger, the pain, the resentment, the frustration inside of me. i get to talk to my hubby and vent on the internet until i just let it go. because for the past 23 years every time i try to talk to her about it, things only get worse. so i'm going to just be the bigger person here and deal with it.
besides....it is my sister's wedding. i remember what it was like to want things to go my way for my wedding. i remember being so upset when my family tried to tell me what to do and how to do it. i remember how frustrating it was to have stupid family issues get in the way. so i'm not going to get in the way. after all, the day really is about her and her fiance. she will probably never know how badly it hurts me that i've been disincluded from this wedding. she will probably never know how painful it is that i haven't been invited into the wedding party just because i'm married. i love her though, and that's why i'm just keeping my mouth shut.
sometimes i wish i could just smack my mother across the face and make her wake up and see the way she treats people. especially me....and how she treats me so differently from my siblings.
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
the mother i want to be
i scrapbooked last night. while i couldn't sleep. i did some pictures from last april and may. i was amazed at how much little buddy has changed. he has grown up so fast. i feel as if i'm missing it, when he is right before my eyes.
will i remember exactly what it is like? will i remember his little wave, and the way he is when i walk into his room in the morning? will i remember the way he climbs on me to give me hugs when i'm sitting on the floor? will i remember how he pulls the laundry out of the basket or how he tries to chew on my cell phone? will i remember that little face he makes at me, when his eyebrows go up?
i am looking forward to his getting older. i'm excited for the day he tells me he loves me. i'm excited for him to be able to feed himself and dress himself. i can't wait to be that proud mamma at the school christmas program. i'm excited to see who he will become as he grows up.
how will he remember me? when he is an adult, how will he look back at his childhood? will he remember a mom who is a total basketcase (which i am), whose behavior is completely erratic, who loved him but wasn't capable of taking care of him the way he needed? will he remember a mother who was there for him, emotionally and physically, who made sure he had everything he needed, who loved him and taught him well?
when i look back on my own childhood, it was a mess most of the time. my mother, whom i love, is bipolar. she wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until i was 17, but she suffered from it for years. her behavior was extremely unpredictable. her mood swings nearly unbearable. i know my mother loved me. but she could not provide the support i needed sometimes, because she was emotionally incapable of doing so, not because she didn't want to.
last night i was talking to my mom. i haven't told her anything about my recent struggles with depression or my flashbacks. but she could tell. twice she asked me if i was ok, both times i told her i was fine. then the third time she said, "are you sure you're okay? you sound really down." so i told her. i told her i've been having nightmares, and flashbacks, and struggling with depression. i told her i was going back to counseling. (tomorrow, by the way.) and instead of the reaction i thought i would get, that i've gotten so many times (we have provided every opportunity for you to get help and you just don't seem to want to work at it. now you are going back to counseling and you should have taken advantage of it when you were at home with us), i was shocked. do you know what she said to me? "i'm so glad you're going back to counseling. and please know that i am here for you. if you ever need to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time." she said that twice.
i am so glad my relationship with my mother is better now that i am an adult. but it saddens me that we didn't have that when i was growing up. not all of it was because of her mental illness. part of it was mine, too. my depression, my anger after being abused, and the fact that i didn't want to understand her issues. she has come a long way since i was a kid. she is still off the wall a lot, she complains (and yells) almost all the time. but at least she tries so hard to be understanding and supportive.
my greatest fear is (and has been for a long time) that my kids will think about me the way i thought about my mother when i was a kid. when i was little i was terrified of her. when i was a teenager, i hated her. (most kids hate their parents, i get that. but i'm pretty sure my issues went further than most.) even after i grew up and moved out, i couldn't stand her. my friends know how crazy she can be. most of them were scared of her, too, i think. so will i be like that? will my mental illness interfere with my ability to be a good mother all of the time?
i'm so proud of my mom for everything she has done to change. i'm proud of her for continuing to work on it in her own way, even though she can be difficult to be around sometimes. i'm grateful for all of the good things she has taught me. she taught me a lot of good things, mixed in with the bad. i know she did her best now, now that i am a mother, now that i am dealing with some of the same issues she has.
i hope that i can overcome this. i hope that i will be able to find the resources to fix myself. that i will find the strength to do so, and the desire to keep it up even when it's hard. i hope that i can be a better wife and a better mother. i hope that my son will not remember a mother who is depressed all the time. i hope that he will remember the good things i did for him, the way i loved him with everything i had. i hope we can have a positive relationship throughout his entire life, not just when he's an adult.
will i remember exactly what it is like? will i remember his little wave, and the way he is when i walk into his room in the morning? will i remember the way he climbs on me to give me hugs when i'm sitting on the floor? will i remember how he pulls the laundry out of the basket or how he tries to chew on my cell phone? will i remember that little face he makes at me, when his eyebrows go up?
i am looking forward to his getting older. i'm excited for the day he tells me he loves me. i'm excited for him to be able to feed himself and dress himself. i can't wait to be that proud mamma at the school christmas program. i'm excited to see who he will become as he grows up.
how will he remember me? when he is an adult, how will he look back at his childhood? will he remember a mom who is a total basketcase (which i am), whose behavior is completely erratic, who loved him but wasn't capable of taking care of him the way he needed? will he remember a mother who was there for him, emotionally and physically, who made sure he had everything he needed, who loved him and taught him well?
when i look back on my own childhood, it was a mess most of the time. my mother, whom i love, is bipolar. she wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until i was 17, but she suffered from it for years. her behavior was extremely unpredictable. her mood swings nearly unbearable. i know my mother loved me. but she could not provide the support i needed sometimes, because she was emotionally incapable of doing so, not because she didn't want to.
last night i was talking to my mom. i haven't told her anything about my recent struggles with depression or my flashbacks. but she could tell. twice she asked me if i was ok, both times i told her i was fine. then the third time she said, "are you sure you're okay? you sound really down." so i told her. i told her i've been having nightmares, and flashbacks, and struggling with depression. i told her i was going back to counseling. (tomorrow, by the way.) and instead of the reaction i thought i would get, that i've gotten so many times (we have provided every opportunity for you to get help and you just don't seem to want to work at it. now you are going back to counseling and you should have taken advantage of it when you were at home with us), i was shocked. do you know what she said to me? "i'm so glad you're going back to counseling. and please know that i am here for you. if you ever need to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time." she said that twice.
i am so glad my relationship with my mother is better now that i am an adult. but it saddens me that we didn't have that when i was growing up. not all of it was because of her mental illness. part of it was mine, too. my depression, my anger after being abused, and the fact that i didn't want to understand her issues. she has come a long way since i was a kid. she is still off the wall a lot, she complains (and yells) almost all the time. but at least she tries so hard to be understanding and supportive.
my greatest fear is (and has been for a long time) that my kids will think about me the way i thought about my mother when i was a kid. when i was little i was terrified of her. when i was a teenager, i hated her. (most kids hate their parents, i get that. but i'm pretty sure my issues went further than most.) even after i grew up and moved out, i couldn't stand her. my friends know how crazy she can be. most of them were scared of her, too, i think. so will i be like that? will my mental illness interfere with my ability to be a good mother all of the time?
i'm so proud of my mom for everything she has done to change. i'm proud of her for continuing to work on it in her own way, even though she can be difficult to be around sometimes. i'm grateful for all of the good things she has taught me. she taught me a lot of good things, mixed in with the bad. i know she did her best now, now that i am a mother, now that i am dealing with some of the same issues she has.
i hope that i can overcome this. i hope that i will be able to find the resources to fix myself. that i will find the strength to do so, and the desire to keep it up even when it's hard. i hope that i can be a better wife and a better mother. i hope that my son will not remember a mother who is depressed all the time. i hope that he will remember the good things i did for him, the way i loved him with everything i had. i hope we can have a positive relationship throughout his entire life, not just when he's an adult.
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