Use the Lord's Healing Power

Excerpt from "Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse" by Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992


"If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.

Please, don't suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you. Don't view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse ocme back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness."

also published on modern molly mormon

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

I'm not going to take away from this poem with my personal commentary. I would like everyone to read it and gather their own meaning from it. I would love for you to share your interpretation and how it applies to you in the comments!

Autobiography
in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

Obedience Can Bring Us Peace and Comfort: Part 2

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

So what does the word "obedience" mean to you? The connotation of the word "obedience" varies by person. For some, being obedient is synonymous with blind following. For some, it is doing what is asked. For others, it is joyful to be obedient. And some of us see obedience as being forced to do something.

We have been taught that being obedient to God's commandments is the way to show Him our love and respect for Him. Being obedient is difficult. Sometimes extremely so. But the peace and love we will receive at the end of our journey is worth more than the pain and obstacles we will experience in reaching the end.

The following excerpts are from a talk by Conrad Schultz, called "Faith Obedience," published in the May 2002 Ensign.

"One of the sneaky ploys of the adversary is to have us believe that unquestioning obedience to the principles and commandments of God is blind obedience. His goal is to have us believe that we should be following our own worldly ways and selfish ambitions. This he does by persuading us that 'blindly' following the prophets and obeying the commandments is not thinking for ourselves. He teaches that it is not intelligent to do something just because we are told to do so by a living prophet or by prophets who speak to us from the scriptures."

"Our unquestioning obedience to the Lord's commandments is not blind obedience. President Boyd K. Packer in the April conference of 1983 taught us about this: 'Latter-Day Saints are not obedient because they are compelled to be obedient. They are obedient because they know certain spiritual truths and have decided, as an expression of their own individual agency, to obey the commandments of God....We are not obedient because we are blind, we are obedient because we can see.'"

"We might call this 'faith obedience.' With faith, Abraham was obedient in preparing Isaac for sacrifice; with faith, Nephi was obedient in obtaining the brass plates; with faith, a little child obediently jumps from a height into the strong arms of his father. 'Faith Obedience' is a matter of trust. The question is simple: Do we trust our Heavenly Father?"

I find it very interesting that as children we are so trusting, and as adults we are quick to be cautious and distrustful. Even more so for those of us who have been through something traumatic, like abuse. If our trust is breached in such a horrific way, it can be difficult to trust anyone, including the Lord. So just like Brother Schultz asked, do we trust our Heavenly Father? Do we trust what He has said to us through the scriptures, through our prophets, and through our own personal revelation? We have been given agency, one of the greatest gifts we could receive. We need to use our agency, our intelligence, our ability to make choices for ourselves, to decide to be obedient to the Lord's commandments.

We may not always know why the Lord asks us to do something. Abraham, for example, did not know why the Lord asked him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did not want to do it. But he had faith in the Lord. He trusted the Lord. And he was blessed beyond measure. We can also be blessed beyond measure, if we trust in the Lord and do as he asks. These blessings will include healing. These blessings will include peace. These blessings will include comfort, increased knowledge, increased faith, the ability to learn and grow as a person.

The Lord loves us, and He is constantly with us. He will guide us and love us every day of our lives--and beyond. He loves us, because we are His children.

I have expressed my love for this scripture before, but I want to share it with you again. "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things. Enter thou into the joy of the Lord."

I long for the day that I will hear that. I long for the day, after doing my best to be obedient, that I will be allowed to enter into the joy of the Lord.

I know that we all have the opportunity to reach this beautiful end. We are all given the opportunity to be obedient. The rewards of obedience will far surpass anything we can even begin to imagine.

Obedience Can Bring Us Peace and Comfort: Part 1

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

"Obedience is the first law of heaven, the cornerstone upon which all righteousness and progression rest."
-Bruce R. McConkie

Abuse may distort our perceptions about obedience. As victims we may have been taught to obey at all costs. Any mistake may have led to severe physical, emotional or sexual punishment. As adults we may have adopted perfectionist tendencies, or live in fear of punishments that may come if a mistake is made. Sometimes victims of abuse go to the other extreme and rebel against authority and/or God.

Many who have been abused find it difficult to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost as well as to feel answers to prayer. Although we may interpret this as a lack of Heavenly Father's love, there is another explanation. A basic defense children use against sexual abuse is to shut down their feelings, helping them to get through the trauma. Yet this response also cuts them off from positive feelings. As a result, those who have been abused may have difficulty feeling the love of Heavenly Father, His servants, and other nurturing people in their lives.

One of Adam's great religious acts has become the classical illustration of perfect obedience. This first man of all men was commanded by the Lord to offer the firstlings of his flocks as a sacrifice, which he did. "Thereupon an angel appeared to him and asked: 'Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord?' and Adam said unto him, 'I know not, save the Lord commanded me.'" Then the angel told him the purpose and significance of sacrifice. (Moses 5:5-8) It should be noted that obedience preceded receipt of the new revelation.

As shown by Adam, obedience requires trust and faith, two attributes that are often damaged by abuse. When we align ourselves with God, everything in our life will either fall into place, or it will fall out of our life.

I have found in my life that I do not feeling as if I am controlled by anyone or anything. This has been a major roadblock in my being obedient--to my parents, my leaders, and even Heavenly Father. I responded to the abuse by rebelling in many ways, which caused a lot of disharmony in my family relationships. Now that I am an adult, I can handle these situations more maturely. But I still don't like feeling as if I am being told to do something. I am continuing to work on the obedience aspect of the gospel.

Almost without exception, we are encouraged to seek answers and healing from scripture reading and prayer. It is almost a cliche and we may fear that as we seek help from a church leader we will be dismissed with an unsympathetic "read your scriptures and pray." Unfortunately, in many cases this is what we may encounter. Yet, as we humble ourselves and turn to the Lord through prayer and scripture study, we can receive help we wouldn't have found otherwise.

President Benson said, "'From a child thou has known the holy scriptures, whicdh are able to make thee wise unto salvation' (2 Timothy 3:14-15). My dear brethren [and sisters], this is an answer to the great challenge of our time. The word of God, as found in the scriptures, in the words of living prophets, and in personal revelation, has the power to fortify the Saints and arm them with the Spirit so they can resist evil, hold fast to the good, and find joy in this life."

I have found in my own experience that my greatest joy comes from doing the things the Lord has asked of me. Lately I have really struggled when it comes to scripture study--and even my own personal prayers. It has been a rough couple of years and my faith has really been tested. It is still being tested. I am making a goal right here, right now, to get myself back on track, to facilitate my continued healing, to progress in my growth as a person, a wife, and a mother, by obeying the Lord's commandments.

"For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven." (D&C 58:2)

I would like to challenge each of you to do your best in keeping the Lord's commandments. We each struggle with something different. For me, it is scripture study and prayer. For someone else, it may be swearing. For another, the word of wisdom, and for another, it may be something very different. I know that the Lord loves all of us. He wants us to be happy. He has told us that happiness comes from obedience. He has given us the way, now we just need to follow it. We are His children, and He wants only the best for us. Let's live up to our potential as His children and work hard to do as He has asked.

suffering messengers of light

originally posted at modern molly mormon

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this article came from the ensign in august of 1986. i tried a few times to take a few parts from it to write this post, but found that it was impossible to do so and have the meaning conveyed well. this week, instead of sharing my personal experience, i will let this article speak for itself.

"I Have a Question"
by Carlfred Broderick, professor of Sociology, University of Southern California

"Q: So many children are abused, offended, and abandoned. If little children are precious to God, what justification can there be for permitting some to be born into such circumstances?

A: As children of God, we have been given the great gift of choice.

We may choose to help, or we may choose to hurt. Unfortunately, as the Lord explained to Moses, the iniquities of one generation are often visited upon the heads of following generations. (See Exodus 20:5) Anyone can see the truth of that saying by looking at many families in the world today. Often, troubled families seem to pass on their pain and darkness—virtually intact—to their children and grandchildren. The victim of one generation becomes the victimizer of the next.

On the other hand, the Lord told the prophet Ezekiel:

“What mean ye, that ye use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge? As I live, saith the Lord God, ye shall not have occasion any more to use this proverb in Israel. Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.” (Ezek. 18:2-4)

This scripture suggests that children need not merely replicate the sins of their fathers, but that each generation is held accountable for its own choices.

Indeed, my experience in various church callings and in my profession as a family therapist has convinced me that God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect, and exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to “metabolize” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain; after them the line flows clear and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed.In suffering innocently that others might not suffer, such persons, in some degree, become as “saviors on Mount Zion” by helping to bring salvation to a lineage.

I have had the privilege of knowing many such individuals people whose backgrounds are full of incredible pain and humiliation. I think of a young woman who was repeatedly abused sexually by her father. When at last she gained the courage to tell her mother, the girl was angrily beaten and rejected by her.

These experiences made the girl bitter and self-doubting. Yet, despite all odds, she has made peace with God and found a trustworthy husband with whom she is raising a righteous family. Moreover, she has dedicated her energies to helping other women with similar backgrounds eliminate the poison from their own lineages.

I think of a young man whose mother died when he was twelve and whose father responded to that loss by locking his son in his room, then drinking and entertaining women in the house. When he would come to let the boy out, he would beat him senseless, sometimes breaking bones and causing concussions.

As might be expected, the young man grew up full of confusion, self-hate, and resentment. Yet the Lord did not leave him so, but provided friends and opportunities for growth. Today, through a series of spiritually healing miracles, this young man is preparing for a temple marriage to a good woman. Together they are committed to bringing children up in righteousness and gentleness and love.

In a former era, the Lord sent a flood to destroy unworthy lineages. In this generation, it is my faith that he has sent numerous choice individuals to help purify them.

In the days of Jeremiah, the Lord used some of the same language he would later use in speaking to Ezekiel:

“In those days they shall say no more, The fathers have eaten a sour grape, and the children’s teeth are set on edge. But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grape, his teeth shall be set on edge.” (Jer. 31:29–30.)

Then he went on to say of this new, covenant generation: “I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.” (Jer. 31:33.)

Most of us, I believe, are acquainted with one or more of these valiant, struggling spirits. In the latter stages of their progress, they are easy to recognize and appreciate. But sometimes in the early stages they are suffering so much from their terrible wounds that it takes a mature degree of spiritual sensitivity to see past the bitterness and pain to discern the purity of spirit within. It is our duty and our privilege to befriend such individuals and to provide whatever assistance and support we can in helping them to achieve their high destiny.

Others of us may be, ourselves, the suffering messengers of light. Let us be true to our divine commission, forgoing bitterness and following in our Savior’s footsteps."

blissfully domestic...

my post using faith to heal: part two over at modern molly mormon was chosen for the blissfully domestic blog carnival.



i'm so excited!

using faith to heal: part 2

originally posted at modern molly mormon

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i read this excerpt from a book called "believing Christ" by stephen e. robinson.

"i was sitting in a chair reading. my daughter, sarah, who was seven years old at the time, came in and said, 'dad, can i have a bike? i'm the only kid on the block who doesn't have one.'

well, i didn't have the money then, for a bike, so i stalled her. i said, 'sure, sarah.'

she said, 'how? when?'

i said, 'you save all your pennies, and soon you'll have enough for a bike.' and she went away.

a couple of weeks later i was sitting in the same chair when i heard a 'clink, clink' in sarah's bedroom. i asked, 'sarah, what are you doing?' she came to me with a little jar, a slit cut in the lid, and a bunch of pennies in the bottom. she said, 'you promised me that if i saved all my pennies, pretty soon i'd have enough for a bike. and, daddy, i've saved every single one of them.'

my heart melted. my daughter was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. i hadn't actually lied to her. if she saved all over her pennies, she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. i said, 'let's go look at bikes.'

we went to every store in town. finally we found it-the perfect bicycle. she was thrilled. then she saw the price tag, and her face fell. she started to cry. 'oh, dad, i'll never have enough for a bicycle!'

so i said, 'sarah, how much do you have?'

she answered, 'sixty-one cents.'

'i'll tell you what. you give me everything you've got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours.' then i drove home very slowly because she insisted on riding the bike home.

as i drove beside her, i thought of the atonement of Christ. we all desperately want the celestial kingdom. we want to be with our Father in Heaven. but no matter how hard we try, we come up short. at some point all of us must realize, 'i can't do this by myself. i need help.' then it is that the Savior says, in effect, all right, you're not perfect. but what can you do? give me all you have, and i'll do the rest."

i love this story. this little girl had faith that if she did what her daddy told her, and save all her pennies, she would get a bike. she did what he asked--but her father made up the rest.

the same it is with us, and Christ. we must have faith that we can be healed through the atonement. we must do our best, work our hardest, and allow the Lord to make up the rest.in going through the healing process following my abuse, i spent many nights praying in tears. pouring my soul out to the Lord, telling Him that i couldn't do it. that there was no way i could get through this, that i could heal and overcome this. it was just too hard. i was so discouraged. for years i believed that i would be miserable forever. and honestly, i still believe that sometimes. but the truth is that i won't be, if i do my part and allow the Lord to do His. sometimes our part is just like this story--coming up with sixty-one cents when the cost is a hundred dollars. that that hundred dollars is there for us. we must ask the Lord for His help.

as i come to realize more and more that i cannot do this alone, i am starting to ask for help. i am relying more upon the Lord and His strength. and i am healing. slowly--and many times painfully--but the result is there. the wounds are healing. the scars are fading. i will never forget what i have been through. i will never forget the pain and the struggle. but i can look back on it, and see it, and see how far i have come, and have no pain.

there is no way for me to fully heal without the Lord's help, and love, and understanding. but there is no way for me to take advantage of His help without first believing that He can and will.and He can help. and He will help. He wants to help, more than we could ever understand.

using faith to heal: part 1

the newest post in my feature at modern molly mormon. go check it out.

and leave comments...they're what keep me going. :)

originally posted at modern molly mormon. i decided to also post it over here, on my personal blog.

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the first principle of the gospel is faith, as we are taught in the fourth article of faith.

but what is faith? faith is something so intangible, something that can be so vague to some and yet so clear to others. moroni teaches that "faith is things which are hoped for and not seen" (ether 12:6). all through the scriptures we are bombarded with examples of faith. moroni also teaches that we "receive no witness until after the trial of [our] faith."

one of my favorite scripture stories comes from moses. the children of Israel were plagued with serpents. they were dying from these snake bites. the Lord commanded Moses to create a brazen serpent, and lift it up on a pole. "and as many as should look upon that serpent should live" and be healed from the venomous bites. many people died, because they thought it was ridiculous. looking at a snake on a pole, healing them from their bites? if someone told you to do that, would you believe them? i probably wouldn't! but those who had faith, who looked up at the brazen serpent, lived. (see helaman 8:14-15, john 3:14-15)

in april conference of 1981, elder loren c. dunn said, "faith is the realization that the Lord can help us with all things." this includes healing from our pain. both physically, as shown with the children of israel, and emotionally.

often as victims of abuse, we wonder why Heavenly Father would allow such horrible things to happen to His children. we may question whether He is aware of our suffering, and we may even wonder if he cares about us at all.

in our attempt to understand why these things happen, we must come to believe that we are daughters of a loving Father who wants us to be happy. in fact, His love is so great that he gave us the gift of agency. this gift allows us to choose for ourselves the path we will follow. we may choose to keep the commandments and receive His promised blessings. the choice to disobey is also ours, and when doing so, we must be prepared to accept the consequences of our actions.

likewise when others make mistakes or sin, we may in turn become the victims of their actions.

marvin j. ashton explained this in the following way. "our freedom to choose our course of conduct does not provide personal freedom from the consequences of our performances. God's love for us is constant and will not diminish, but he cannot rescue us from the painful results that are caused by wrong choices."

He can, however, help us heal from that pain. but we must have faith in His willingness and ability to do so.

in a talk titled "answers to life's questions," elder m. russell ballard teaches that "life's most challenging questions seem to be those that begin with the word why. 'why is life so hard?' 'why is there so much sorrow, hate, and unhappiness in the world?' 'why does death take the young?' and 'why must the innocent suffer?' we all have wrestled with such questions from time to time as we struggle with the vicissitudes of mortality...i believe the only satisfying answers to such questions come from the comforting perspective of faith in our Heavenly Father and His eternal plan for our happiness.

the prophet alma called the pain 'the great plan of happiness' (alma 42:8). it is known more commonly as the plan of salvation. it is beautiful in its simplicity to all who seek prayerfully to know and understand the true meaning and purpose of life.what a wonderful, warm, and reassuring thing it is to know that the primary objective of the very God of heaven is 'the immortality and eternal life of man' (moses 1:39), or, in other words, our eternal happiness and joy. sometimes i wonder if we really appreciate what that means and how it should affect our lives.

critical to our knowledge of the plain of happiness is an understanding of the great governing principle of agency. a person does not have to spend much time in the schoolroom of mortality to realize that Heavenly Father's plan does not provide for blissful happiness at every step along our mortal journey. life is filled with harsh realities that tug at the heart and tear away at the soul.

one cannot look at suffering, regardless of its causes or origins, without feeling pain and compassion. i can understand why someone who lacks an eternal perspective might see the horrifying news footage of starving children and man's inhumanity to man and shake a fist at the heavens and cry, 'if there is a God, how could He allow such things to happen?'

much adversity is man-made. men's hearts turn cold, and the spirit of satan controls their actions. in foreseeing the day of suffering in our time, the Savior said, 'the love of men shall wax cold, and iniquity shall abound' (d&c 45:27). violence, immorality, and other evils run rampant on the earth. much adversity has its origin in the principle of agency. often overlooked is the fact that choices have consequences; we forget also that agency offers the same privilege of choice to others. at times we will be affected adversely by the way other people choose to exercise their agency. our Heavenly Father feels so strongly about protecting our agency that he allows his children to exercise it, either for good or for evil.

we mortals have a limited view of life from the eternal perspective. but if we know and understand Heavenly Father's plan, we realize that dealing with adversity is one of the chief ways we are tested. our faith in our Heavenly Father and his beloved Son, Jesus Christ, is the source of inner strength. through faith we can find peace, comfort, and the courage to endure. as we trust in God and his plan for our happiness with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding (see proverbs 3:5), hope is born. hope grows out of faith and gives meaning and purpose to all we do. it can give us comfort in the face of adversity, strength in times of trial, and peace when we have reason for doubt of anguish.

when the plan of our Heavenly Father is understood, the answers to life's questions are found in the gospel of Christ. Jesus said, 'peace i leave with you, my peace i give unto you: not as the world giveth, give i unto you. let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (john 14:27)."

i understand how difficult it can be to understand the Lord's plan. i have been there, shaking my fist as heaven, questioning why things happen. if God really does care, if He knows what i am going through. the truth is this: He does know. and He does care. we must have faith in Him, in His ability to help us. in His plan for our happiness.i do not believe that suffering is His plan. i do not believe that he causes bad things to happen. what i do believe is that He allows us to make our own choices, and to deal with those consequences. if the Lord stopped every bad thing from happening, we would not learn or grow. we would not learn to take responsibility for our actions. we would not learn forgiveness, or the importance of the atonement. the Lord can, and i believe sometimes does, help us to avoid bad situations.

have you ever been prompted to do something you didn't understand, then later realize you had avoided something terrible?

my dad shared an experience had had in high school with me a long time ago. he was driving on the freeway, going home from a basketball tournament. he felt prompted to get off the freeway, and go get a drink at a gas station. he ignored it, and felt it a second time. the second time he was impressed to get off the freeway, he did. a few minutes later when he got back on, he came upon a terrible car accident caused by a drunk driver. he told me he didn't know if he would have been involved, but that he sure is glad he decided to follow the prompting of the Spirit to stop and get that drink.

now although this experience is kind of a drastic one, i believe that we are prompted to avoid even the tiniest of disasters. we may never even know we are avoiding them. with all of the bad that does occur, that the Lord does not actively stop, i believe there are thousands of bad things the Lord helps us to avoid. we can continue to do so if we have faith in Him, if we trust Him, and if we choose to follow His commandments.

our wounds and scars can heal

everyone should check out my latest post at modern molly mormon. it's the lastest installment in my feature "surviving life's experiences." it's called our wounds and scars can heal.



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In the April General Conference of 1985, President Gordon B. Hinckley said,

"There appears to be a plague of abuse spreading across the world. Perhaps it has always been with us but has not received the attention it presently receives. I am glad there is a hue and cry going up against this terrible evil, too much of which is found among our own."

Anytime abuse occurs it is an awful tragedy. For the victims, the devastating wounds and scars may be long lasting, which can impact all areas of our lives. Our relationships with our families, leaders, and even our Heavenly Father may suffer as a result of this evil.

The good news is that those wounds and scars can heal. It can take years, upon years, for the wounds to turn to scars. and even years beyond that for the scars to fade. It has been nearly 15 years since the abuse I endured ended. 15 years, and I am still struggling. Every day I encounter a trial that is a direct result of the horror I endured. But in looking over the past 15 years, I am amazed at how far I have come. And I was unable to make so much progress alone.

Elder RichardG. Scott said,

"I solemnly testify that when another's acts of violence, perversion, or incest hurt you terribly, against your will, you are not responsible and you must not feel guilty. You may be left scarred by abuse, but those scars need not be permanent. in the eternal plan, in the Lord's timetable, those injuries can be made right as you do your part."

Some of the things common for abuse survivors to feel is anger and guilt. I have felt, and continue to feel, both of these. Anger that this person hurt me, has changed me and my life forever. Anger that I am left dealing with this on a daily basis. Anger that very little was done in the realm of justice. Anger that I have been invalidated and pushed aside, treated as if i am overreacting. I am not overreacting. And neither is anyone who has been abused. I have felt an incredible amount of guilt. Guilt in thinking I should have been able to stop it. Sometimes that I must have done something to deserve it. Guilt in the fact that had I done something, I could have spared my perpetrator's other victims from going through what I had. This guilt has been the hardest for me to overcome, because his other victims include people that I love, that I hold dear, other members of my family. And the whole time I knew what was happening to at least one of them.

But here is the thing. I was a child. I was 6, 7 years old. I was scared, I felt threatened, I felt alone. There is no way that I could have cognitively been able to understand what was going on. I am not to blame. As victims, we did not have control over the abuse perpetrated on us. however, as survivors, we can now take the necessary actions to put our lives in order, and move forward making our homes a safe haven for those who reside there.

This is so hard. It is so hard to move on, to heal. By far the hardest thing I have ever been through, as I am sure it is for many who have been abused. Why should we have to work so hard for something that wasn't our fault in the first place? Why should we be forced to put forth so much effort, and go through so much pain, because of the actions of another person?

The answer is this: it is not fair. It is not right. But it is necessary. If we don't work hard, and put forth the effort, not only do we suffer, but those who love us will suffer. Our families, our friends, will hurt as they watch us. And we can, and probably will, hurt them by lashing out. I know that throughout my life I took my anger and my pain out on my family. My parents, my siblings, and even now my husband. They have all dealt with so much because of my actions. That is why I am working on recognizing my behavioral issues that stem from the abuse. That is why I am working to correct this. I know where my hurt comes from, and I can change it.

The other thing that we can do to further our healing is to do our best to protect those around us. This is part of the reason why I am choosing to share my experiences with others. Not only to help those who have been abused to heal, but to help everyone recognize that there are some things we can do to help protect our loved ones. Of course it is impossible to eliminate all abuse. Of course it is impossible to completely protect our loved ones. My parents have endured an incredible amount of guilt for believing they should have known, they could have prevented it. The truth is that they did their best. And the abuse I endured is not their fault.

President Monson said in the November 1991 Ensign that, "There is an alarming increase of reported physical, psychological, and sexual abuse of children. Our courts are becoming inundated with this repulsive behavior. The church does not condone such heinous and vile conduct. Rather, we condemn in the harshest terms such treatment of God's precious children. Let the child be rescued, nurtured, loved, and healed. Let the offender be brought to justice, to accountability for his (or her) actions, and receive professional treatment to curtail such wicked and devilish conduct. When you and I know of such conduct and fail to take action to eradicate it, we become part of the problem. We share part of the guilt. we experience part of the punishment."

It is possible to move on. It is possible to heal. it is possible to help others who have been abused. We can, and we should, love and support survivors of abuse. If we ourselves are survivors, we can and should turn to the Lord, to our families (if possible) for help.

Throughout this feature, "Surviving Life's Experiences,"I will talk about how we can heal from abuse. I will discuss my own experiences as well as scriptures and things from leaders of our Church. These lessons don't need to apply just to abuse--they can apply to any struggle we experience. Much of my information will come from the "Survivors of Life's Experiences" (or SOLE) manual published by LDS Social Services. (For more information on this class, look at my previous post in this series.) If you would like to participate, I would suggest studying the scriptures and talks I refer to. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Doing this can be very therapeutic, and open your eyes to ideas and inspiration you may have not considered before. This can help immensely in the healing process.

I know that Heavenly Father loves each of us. We are His children. I believe that He weeps for our pain. He wants to help us. He will support us in our healing process.

surviving life's experiences

everyone should go check out my feature column at modern molly mormon. it's called "surviving life's experiences." i will be discussing ways we can use the gospel to overcome obstacles in our lives--specifically abuse and depression, although these principles can be applied to anything.

i will be posting on thursdays. the first article i have already published here, but all subsequent posts will be new material.

the picture of my most life-changing experience

i don't know if anyone will really read this. i'm not sure if anyone is actually reading this blog--it is pretty new. but for the last week or so i haven't been able to get this out of my head.

i believe 100% that i am being prompted to write this. i don't know why. i don't know for who. maybe it's just for me. but i decided a very long time ago that if at all possible, i would use this experience to help other people. so, if this helps, then that's wonderful.

as a child (approximately from the age of 6 to the age of 8) i was sexually molested by a close family member. i will not go into detail as that is not my purpose in writing about this. all you need is the background, really: my parents did not become aware of the abuse until i was 13, after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. it was battled in court for almost 6 years, due to a loophole in state law.

i spent my teen years (and even into college) in and out of therapy,battling major issues with depression, my self-esteem, guilt and flashbacks from the abuse. i became aware that my experiences are not uncommon. i was extremely upset by this. i had been through hell, i could not stand to think that so many others would experience what i have. as i went through counseling and saw the HUGE difference it made in every aspect of my life, i decided that i would do everything i could to help others with my experiences. this is not something i talk about a lot. this is not something i will discuss with just anyone. i have found that i have been prompted to share my experiences with some very different people, some i know well and some i do not.

at 18, my senior year of high school, i began seeing a new counselor.she was with lds social services. i had never seen a counselor from ldsss before. my counselor told me of this new program, a class specifically for women who had been through some form of abuse. the class did not concentrate on the abuse itself, but on learning to heal through Christ. so that is how i found myself attending an eight week class with 9 other women. the name of the class is called SOLE:Survivors of Life Experiences.

walking into class the first week, i was extremely apprehensive. i was by far the youngest woman in the class. i have no idea what type of abuse those amazing women had been through--i believe some had dealt with spousal abuse, some parental neglect, others physical, emotional,and sexual abuse. but really, it didn't matter. we were there to support and love each other, to pray for each other, to help each other overcome the struggles we dealt with daily as a direct result of the horror we had each been through.

in the front page of the manual we received was this quote:

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is a source in the event of pain, and when that pain comes (and it will come, because we came here to earth to have pain among other things),when it comes, rejoice that you have the resource to deal with your pain."
-Carl Broderick

how true this is! life happens. terrible, horrible, unspeakable things happen as a result of the choices of others, and even as a result of living here on earth. but i know that Christ is there to help me heal from my pain, the same as he is for every other person.

over the next few weeks we discussed who we were as children of God.we talked about who He is, how we can find peace in faith and obedience to Him. we discussed forgiveness, repentance, humility, and the application of the atonement in our lives. through the scriptures,talks and stories from apostles and prophets, and each other, we learned how we can endure to the end--with the help of our Savior.

one night stood out to me the very most. each lesson was accompanied by some sort of interactive object lesson. this particular night our counselors set up an obstacle course. they blindfolded us, put us in a dark room, and one by one handed us the end of a rope. this rope was tied to desks, chairs, wound around stacks of books, portable blackboards. the rope went under desks, led us in circles, and at times was tied in so many knots it was difficult to tell where it led.my counselor gave me a little push and i was on my own. completely.slowly and methodically i felt my way forward with my feet. at first i tried using one hand on the rope. this did not work well at all! after a few steps i ended up using both hands. one inch at a time i scooted forward, feeling my way in the darkness. i crawled under desks. i stepped over chairs. once i even had to get on my tummy and scoot under a row of desks--all to keep from losing grip on the rope. after what seemed like forever in darkness, i felt a hand on my shoulder. i was pulled into a tight embrace. my counselor held me for a moment,and in my ear she whispered: "well done, thou good and faithful servant. welcome home." (see Matthew 25:21)

i felt the tears roll down my face. this was it. i knew, the entire time, she was there, watching me. she was helping me and i didn't even know it. the whole time i was wandering in the dark, she had been right by my side, just waiting for me to get to the end, to welcome me home.

and so it is with my Savior. i cannot see him. sometimes i don't even know he is there. and yet, he is right by my side, helping me, cheering for me, crying with me. he loves me. he knows the pain i have gone through, the pain i continue to go through. the nightmares. the flashbacks. the neuroses, the struggles, the temptations, the hurt and anger i have been through. he knows that i still struggle, on an almost daily basis. and he is there weeping for me, and bolstering me up. he believes in me.

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days" (D&C 24:8). i hope this has helped whomever it is meant for. i am more than willing to talk to anyone who needs someone to listen. someone who has been through something similar--or even not. i will be more than happy to give suggestions of scriptures, talks, quotes, and poems that have helped me get through the worst.

but most importantly: do not forget that you are loved. you are not alone. you can get through this, whatever it may be. be strong. rely on the Lord, he is there for you.

i look forward to the day that i will hear in my ear,

"Well done, thou good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy Lord."