having faith

thursday there was a post up at mormon mommy blogs called faith versus fear. it was a fantastic post and i highly recommend it. there was a quote from jeffrey r. holland that really stuck out to me, though, and i'd like to share it:

"First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities."

someday i want to have faith like this again.

becoming Lazarus

when i was a senior in high school, i took an advanced lit class. one of the books we were required to read was crime and punishment, by fyodor dostoevsky. this is a pretty standard required read in high school and even in college. i never had a desire to read it, but as i got into the novel i was immediately hooked. i have since read it six times and it has become one of my favorite books. (if you haven't read it, i would highly suggest that you do.)

the novel follows a young man, rodion romanovitch raskolnikov. raskolnikov is a poverty stricken, intelligent, moody person. he hates being around other people. he has a theory that there are two kinds of people: the regular, common people, bound by laws. the second kind of people are the "napoleons" of the world, those who are not bound by law. these people can, and in fact are morally obligated to, commit crimes to provide a way to better the world. raskolnikov murders and robs an old woman and her sister in an effort to prove his a member of this elite class. the novel follows his thought process before and after the crime is committed, and delves into the psychology of a criminal.

another central character to the novel is sofya semyonovna marmeledov (sonia). she is also poverty stricken, and has been forced to prostitute herself to feed and provide for her father, a drunk, her step-mother, who is consumptive, and her three younger step-siblings. she is the savior to her family, although she is sinning to do so. raskolnikov befriends sonia. one day, he goes to visit her. he forces her to read the story of lazarus from the bible aloud to him.

"Sonia opened the book and found the place. Her hands were shaking, her voice failed her. Twice she tried to begin and could not bring out the first syllable.

'Now a certain man was sick named Lazarus of Bethany....' she forced herself at last to read, but at the third word her voice broke like an overstrained string. There was a catch in her breath.

Raskolnikov saw in part why Sonia could not bring herself to read to him, and the more he saw this, the more roughly and irritably he insisted on her doing so. He understood only too well how painful it was for her to betray and unveil all that was her own. He understood that these feelings really were her secret treasure, which she had kept perhaps for years, perhaps from childhood, while she lived with an unhappy father and a distracted stepmother crazed by grief, in the midst of starving children and unseemly abuse and reproaches. But at the same time he knew now and knew for certain that, although it filled her with dread and suffering, yet she had a tormenting desire to read and to read to him that he might hear it, and to read now whatever might come of it!...He read this in her eyes, he could see it in her intense emotion. She mastered herself, controlled the spasm in her throat and went on reading the eleventh chapter of St. John. She went on to the nineteenth verse:

'And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary to comfort them concerning their brother.

'Then Martha as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming went and met Him: but Mary sat still in the house.

'Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

'But I know that even now whatsoever Thou wilt ask of God, God will give it Thee....'

Then she stopped again with a shamefaced feeling that her voice would quiver and break again.

'Jesus said unto her, thy brother shall rise again.

'Martha said unto Him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection, at the last day.

'Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in Me though he were dead, yet shall he live.

'And whosoever liveth and believeth in Me shall never die. Believest thou this?

'She saith unto him,'

(And drawing a painful breath, Sonia read distinctly and forcibly as though she were making a public confession of faith.)

'Yea, Lord: I believe that Thou art the Christ, the Son of God Which should come into the World.'

She stopped and looked up quickly at him, and controlling herself went on reading. Raskolnikov sat without moving, his elbows on the table and his eyes turned away. She read to the thirty-second verse.

'Then when Mary was come where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying unto Him, Lord if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

'When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled,

'And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto Him, Lord, come and see.

'Jesus wept.

'Then said the Jews, behold how He loved him!

'And some of them said, could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?'

Raskolnikov turned and looked at her with emotion. Yes, he had known it! She was trembling in a real physical fever. He had expected it. She was getting near the story of the greatest miracle and a feeling of immense triumph came over her. Her voice rang out like a bell; triumph and joy gave it power. The lines danced before her eyes, but she knew what she was reading by heart. At the last verse 'Could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind...' dropping her voice she passionately reproduced the doubt, the reproach and censure of the blind disbelieving Jews, who in another moment would fall at His feet as through struck by thunder, sobbing and believing....'And he, he---too, is blinded and unbelieving, he, too, will hear, he, too, will believe, yes, yes! At once, now,' was what she was dreaming, and she was quivering with happy anticipation.

'Jesus therefore again groaning in Himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave and a stone lay upon it.

'Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto Him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.'

She laid emphasis on the word four.

'Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?

'Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, Father, I thank Thee that Thou hast heard Me.

'And I know that Thou hearest Me always; but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that Thou has sent Me.

'And when He thus had spoken, He cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.

'And he that was dead came forth."

(She read loudly, bold and trembling with ecstasy, as though she were seeing it before her eyes.)

'Bound hand and foot with graveclothes; and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him and let him go.

'Then many of the Jews which came to Mary and had seen the things which Jesus did believed on Him.'"

this story meant so much to sonia, and eventually to raskolnikov, because they, too, would be resurrected from their sins. though dead, they would live again, through the healing power of Jesus Christ. i never thought deeply about the story of lazarus before i read crime and punishment. it was a miracle, and it was amazing, but it was (to me) like the rest of the miracles that Christ performed while on earth. after reading the story from sonia's perspective, it became much more three dimensional to me. suddenly, i was sonia. i was raskolnikov. i was lazarus. the Lord was raising me from the dead. the death of abuse, the death of depression, anguish, loneliness.

if i trust in the Lord, if i have faith in Him and his ability to heal me, i can be healed. i can be a new person, and begin my life over again. no matter our situations--for raskolnikov, it was repentance for a crime; for sonia, it was knowing that the Lord would forgive her in doing what was necessary to feed her family; for me, it is overcoming my abuse; perhaps for you it may be moving past the grief of losing a loved one, the difficulty of moving your family across the world, struggling with an illness, or feeling lost and discouraged.

"Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?"

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

I'm not going to take away from this poem with my personal commentary. I would like everyone to read it and gather their own meaning from it. I would love for you to share your interpretation and how it applies to you in the comments!

Autobiography
in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

Obedience Can Bring Us Peace and Comfort: Part 2

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

So what does the word "obedience" mean to you? The connotation of the word "obedience" varies by person. For some, being obedient is synonymous with blind following. For some, it is doing what is asked. For others, it is joyful to be obedient. And some of us see obedience as being forced to do something.

We have been taught that being obedient to God's commandments is the way to show Him our love and respect for Him. Being obedient is difficult. Sometimes extremely so. But the peace and love we will receive at the end of our journey is worth more than the pain and obstacles we will experience in reaching the end.

The following excerpts are from a talk by Conrad Schultz, called "Faith Obedience," published in the May 2002 Ensign.

"One of the sneaky ploys of the adversary is to have us believe that unquestioning obedience to the principles and commandments of God is blind obedience. His goal is to have us believe that we should be following our own worldly ways and selfish ambitions. This he does by persuading us that 'blindly' following the prophets and obeying the commandments is not thinking for ourselves. He teaches that it is not intelligent to do something just because we are told to do so by a living prophet or by prophets who speak to us from the scriptures."

"Our unquestioning obedience to the Lord's commandments is not blind obedience. President Boyd K. Packer in the April conference of 1983 taught us about this: 'Latter-Day Saints are not obedient because they are compelled to be obedient. They are obedient because they know certain spiritual truths and have decided, as an expression of their own individual agency, to obey the commandments of God....We are not obedient because we are blind, we are obedient because we can see.'"

"We might call this 'faith obedience.' With faith, Abraham was obedient in preparing Isaac for sacrifice; with faith, Nephi was obedient in obtaining the brass plates; with faith, a little child obediently jumps from a height into the strong arms of his father. 'Faith Obedience' is a matter of trust. The question is simple: Do we trust our Heavenly Father?"

I find it very interesting that as children we are so trusting, and as adults we are quick to be cautious and distrustful. Even more so for those of us who have been through something traumatic, like abuse. If our trust is breached in such a horrific way, it can be difficult to trust anyone, including the Lord. So just like Brother Schultz asked, do we trust our Heavenly Father? Do we trust what He has said to us through the scriptures, through our prophets, and through our own personal revelation? We have been given agency, one of the greatest gifts we could receive. We need to use our agency, our intelligence, our ability to make choices for ourselves, to decide to be obedient to the Lord's commandments.

We may not always know why the Lord asks us to do something. Abraham, for example, did not know why the Lord asked him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did not want to do it. But he had faith in the Lord. He trusted the Lord. And he was blessed beyond measure. We can also be blessed beyond measure, if we trust in the Lord and do as he asks. These blessings will include healing. These blessings will include peace. These blessings will include comfort, increased knowledge, increased faith, the ability to learn and grow as a person.

The Lord loves us, and He is constantly with us. He will guide us and love us every day of our lives--and beyond. He loves us, because we are His children.

I have expressed my love for this scripture before, but I want to share it with you again. "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things. Enter thou into the joy of the Lord."

I long for the day that I will hear that. I long for the day, after doing my best to be obedient, that I will be allowed to enter into the joy of the Lord.

I know that we all have the opportunity to reach this beautiful end. We are all given the opportunity to be obedient. The rewards of obedience will far surpass anything we can even begin to imagine.

using faith to heal: part 2

originally posted at modern molly mormon

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i read this excerpt from a book called "believing Christ" by stephen e. robinson.

"i was sitting in a chair reading. my daughter, sarah, who was seven years old at the time, came in and said, 'dad, can i have a bike? i'm the only kid on the block who doesn't have one.'

well, i didn't have the money then, for a bike, so i stalled her. i said, 'sure, sarah.'

she said, 'how? when?'

i said, 'you save all your pennies, and soon you'll have enough for a bike.' and she went away.

a couple of weeks later i was sitting in the same chair when i heard a 'clink, clink' in sarah's bedroom. i asked, 'sarah, what are you doing?' she came to me with a little jar, a slit cut in the lid, and a bunch of pennies in the bottom. she said, 'you promised me that if i saved all my pennies, pretty soon i'd have enough for a bike. and, daddy, i've saved every single one of them.'

my heart melted. my daughter was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. i hadn't actually lied to her. if she saved all over her pennies, she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. i said, 'let's go look at bikes.'

we went to every store in town. finally we found it-the perfect bicycle. she was thrilled. then she saw the price tag, and her face fell. she started to cry. 'oh, dad, i'll never have enough for a bicycle!'

so i said, 'sarah, how much do you have?'

she answered, 'sixty-one cents.'

'i'll tell you what. you give me everything you've got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours.' then i drove home very slowly because she insisted on riding the bike home.

as i drove beside her, i thought of the atonement of Christ. we all desperately want the celestial kingdom. we want to be with our Father in Heaven. but no matter how hard we try, we come up short. at some point all of us must realize, 'i can't do this by myself. i need help.' then it is that the Savior says, in effect, all right, you're not perfect. but what can you do? give me all you have, and i'll do the rest."

i love this story. this little girl had faith that if she did what her daddy told her, and save all her pennies, she would get a bike. she did what he asked--but her father made up the rest.

the same it is with us, and Christ. we must have faith that we can be healed through the atonement. we must do our best, work our hardest, and allow the Lord to make up the rest.in going through the healing process following my abuse, i spent many nights praying in tears. pouring my soul out to the Lord, telling Him that i couldn't do it. that there was no way i could get through this, that i could heal and overcome this. it was just too hard. i was so discouraged. for years i believed that i would be miserable forever. and honestly, i still believe that sometimes. but the truth is that i won't be, if i do my part and allow the Lord to do His. sometimes our part is just like this story--coming up with sixty-one cents when the cost is a hundred dollars. that that hundred dollars is there for us. we must ask the Lord for His help.

as i come to realize more and more that i cannot do this alone, i am starting to ask for help. i am relying more upon the Lord and His strength. and i am healing. slowly--and many times painfully--but the result is there. the wounds are healing. the scars are fading. i will never forget what i have been through. i will never forget the pain and the struggle. but i can look back on it, and see it, and see how far i have come, and have no pain.

there is no way for me to fully heal without the Lord's help, and love, and understanding. but there is no way for me to take advantage of His help without first believing that He can and will.and He can help. and He will help. He wants to help, more than we could ever understand.

using faith to heal: part 1

the newest post in my feature at modern molly mormon. go check it out.

and leave comments...they're what keep me going. :)

originally posted at modern molly mormon. i decided to also post it over here, on my personal blog.

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the first principle of the gospel is faith, as we are taught in the fourth article of faith.

but what is faith? faith is something so intangible, something that can be so vague to some and yet so clear to others. moroni teaches that "faith is things which are hoped for and not seen" (ether 12:6). all through the scriptures we are bombarded with examples of faith. moroni also teaches that we "receive no witness until after the trial of [our] faith."

one of my favorite scripture stories comes from moses. the children of Israel were plagued with serpents. they were dying from these snake bites. the Lord commanded Moses to create a brazen serpent, and lift it up on a pole. "and as many as should look upon that serpent should live" and be healed from the venomous bites. many people died, because they thought it was ridiculous. looking at a snake on a pole, healing them from their bites? if someone told you to do that, would you believe them? i probably wouldn't! but those who had faith, who looked up at the brazen serpent, lived. (see helaman 8:14-15, john 3:14-15)

in april conference of 1981, elder loren c. dunn said, "faith is the realization that the Lord can help us with all things." this includes healing from our pain. both physically, as shown with the children of israel, and emotionally.

often as victims of abuse, we wonder why Heavenly Father would allow such horrible things to happen to His children. we may question whether He is aware of our suffering, and we may even wonder if he cares about us at all.

in our attempt to understand why these things happen, we must come to believe that we are daughters of a loving Father who wants us to be happy. in fact, His love is so great that he gave us the gift of agency. this gift allows us to choose for ourselves the path we will follow. we may choose to keep the commandments and receive His promised blessings. the choice to disobey is also ours, and when doing so, we must be prepared to accept the consequences of our actions.

likewise when others make mistakes or sin, we may in turn become the victims of their actions.

marvin j. ashton explained this in the following way. "our freedom to choose our course of conduct does not provide personal freedom from the consequences of our performances. God's love for us is constant and will not diminish, but he cannot rescue us from the painful results that are caused by wrong choices."

He can, however, help us heal from that pain. but we must have faith in His willingness and ability to do so.

in a talk titled "answers to life's questions," elder m. russell ballard teaches that "life's most challenging questions seem to be those that begin with the word why. 'why is life so hard?' 'why is there so much sorrow, hate, and unhappiness in the world?' 'why does death take the young?' and 'why must the innocent suffer?' we all have wrestled with such questions from time to time as we struggle with the vicissitudes of mortality...i believe the only satisfying answers to such questions come from the comforting perspective of faith in our Heavenly Father and His eternal plan for our happiness.

the prophet alma called the pain 'the great plan of happiness' (alma 42:8). it is known more commonly as the plan of salvation. it is beautiful in its simplicity to all who seek prayerfully to know and understand the true meaning and purpose of life.what a wonderful, warm, and reassuring thing it is to know that the primary objective of the very God of heaven is 'the immortality and eternal life of man' (moses 1:39), or, in other words, our eternal happiness and joy. sometimes i wonder if we really appreciate what that means and how it should affect our lives.

critical to our knowledge of the plain of happiness is an understanding of the great governing principle of agency. a person does not have to spend much time in the schoolroom of mortality to realize that Heavenly Father's plan does not provide for blissful happiness at every step along our mortal journey. life is filled with harsh realities that tug at the heart and tear away at the soul.

one cannot look at suffering, regardless of its causes or origins, without feeling pain and compassion. i can understand why someone who lacks an eternal perspective might see the horrifying news footage of starving children and man's inhumanity to man and shake a fist at the heavens and cry, 'if there is a God, how could He allow such things to happen?'

much adversity is man-made. men's hearts turn cold, and the spirit of satan controls their actions. in foreseeing the day of suffering in our time, the Savior said, 'the love of men shall wax cold, and iniquity shall abound' (d&c 45:27). violence, immorality, and other evils run rampant on the earth. much adversity has its origin in the principle of agency. often overlooked is the fact that choices have consequences; we forget also that agency offers the same privilege of choice to others. at times we will be affected adversely by the way other people choose to exercise their agency. our Heavenly Father feels so strongly about protecting our agency that he allows his children to exercise it, either for good or for evil.

we mortals have a limited view of life from the eternal perspective. but if we know and understand Heavenly Father's plan, we realize that dealing with adversity is one of the chief ways we are tested. our faith in our Heavenly Father and his beloved Son, Jesus Christ, is the source of inner strength. through faith we can find peace, comfort, and the courage to endure. as we trust in God and his plan for our happiness with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding (see proverbs 3:5), hope is born. hope grows out of faith and gives meaning and purpose to all we do. it can give us comfort in the face of adversity, strength in times of trial, and peace when we have reason for doubt of anguish.

when the plan of our Heavenly Father is understood, the answers to life's questions are found in the gospel of Christ. Jesus said, 'peace i leave with you, my peace i give unto you: not as the world giveth, give i unto you. let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (john 14:27)."

i understand how difficult it can be to understand the Lord's plan. i have been there, shaking my fist as heaven, questioning why things happen. if God really does care, if He knows what i am going through. the truth is this: He does know. and He does care. we must have faith in Him, in His ability to help us. in His plan for our happiness.i do not believe that suffering is His plan. i do not believe that he causes bad things to happen. what i do believe is that He allows us to make our own choices, and to deal with those consequences. if the Lord stopped every bad thing from happening, we would not learn or grow. we would not learn to take responsibility for our actions. we would not learn forgiveness, or the importance of the atonement. the Lord can, and i believe sometimes does, help us to avoid bad situations.

have you ever been prompted to do something you didn't understand, then later realize you had avoided something terrible?

my dad shared an experience had had in high school with me a long time ago. he was driving on the freeway, going home from a basketball tournament. he felt prompted to get off the freeway, and go get a drink at a gas station. he ignored it, and felt it a second time. the second time he was impressed to get off the freeway, he did. a few minutes later when he got back on, he came upon a terrible car accident caused by a drunk driver. he told me he didn't know if he would have been involved, but that he sure is glad he decided to follow the prompting of the Spirit to stop and get that drink.

now although this experience is kind of a drastic one, i believe that we are prompted to avoid even the tiniest of disasters. we may never even know we are avoiding them. with all of the bad that does occur, that the Lord does not actively stop, i believe there are thousands of bad things the Lord helps us to avoid. we can continue to do so if we have faith in Him, if we trust Him, and if we choose to follow His commandments.

the rock

I Will Not Fail Thee

Derek Hegsted

i love this painting. it has always been one of my favorites. i first came across this painting when i was in jr high, one of the darkest times of my life.

last night when i wrote that post on depression, i was in a deep pit of despair and frustration. today i woke up feeling much the same way. but i decided i'm not going to allow that to continue. i'm going to do what i can to pull myself out of this rut. i know i cannot do this by myself. i have my wonderful husband who is there for me. who is taking me out to dinner to get me out of the house, spending money we don't really have, to help me feel better.

i also have the lord. i was going through my SOLE manual (read more about SOLE here) and came across this story.

The Rock (Author Unknown)

There is a story told by a Father Mary about a man who was asleep one night in his cabin, when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told him he had a work for him to do, and showed him a large rock explaining that he was to push against that rock with all his might.

This the man did, and for many days he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulder set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture, placing thoughts in the man's mind such as, "Why kill yourself over this; you're never going to move it," or "Boy, you've been at it here a long time and you haven't even scratched the surface," etc. giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was an unworthy and unprofitable servant because he wasn't moving the massive stone. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man and he started to ease up in his efforts. "Why kill myself," he thought, "I'll just put in my time putting forth just the minimum and that will be good enough." And that he did, or at least planned on doing until one day he decided to take his troubles to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting forth all of my strength to do that which you have asked me. Yet after all this time I haven't even budged that rock half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am i failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend...when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you to push against the rock with all of your strength, and that you have done. But never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it! At least not all by yourself. Your task was to push! And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you had failed and ready to quit. But is that really so? Look at yourself, your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewed and brown. Your hands are calloused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your ability now far surpasses that which you used to have. Yet you still haven't succedded in moving the rock, and you come to me now with a heavy heart and your strength spent. I, my friend, will move the rock. Your calling was to be obedient and push, and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom." (emphasis added)

how true that is in life. the lord has allowed me this burden, this depression, these traumas. he has given me the opportunity to grow and change for the better. it is so difficult. so hard. so unbearably HARD. but just like the man in the story, i know that after i give everything i have, when my strength is spent, the Lord will move my rock. i only have to put my trust in Him and do what He has asked me to do. i have to have faith that He will help me. this is, perhaps, the most difficult thing. i want to be in control of my life. i have such difficulty giving up my will to the Lord. but when i have in the past, the Lord has helped me. i just need to get to that point once again.

"[Cast] all your care upon him; for he careth for you" (1 Peter 5:7)