happy fourth anniversary

i love you through and through.

i love your top side.

i love your bottom side.

i love your inside

and outside.

i love your happy side,

your sad side,

your silly side,

your mad side.

i love your fingers

and toes,

your ears

and nose.

i love your hair and eyes,

your giggles

and cries.

i love you running

and walking,

silent

and talking.

i love you through and through....

yesterday, today, and tomorrow, too.
(especially your bottom side)

happy fourth anniversary to the man with the sexiest rear end i have ever seen.

i love you like crazy...and always will.

thank you for being there for me, for being patient and loving,
for sacrificing your own needs for mine.

thank you for being an amazing father and devoted husband.

thank you for your hard work.

the last four years have been full of ups and downs and sideways and loops and spinning...
but always an adventure.

thanks for being my best friend,
even though it isn't easy.

after all these years, you're still my everything.

i love you.

happy anniversary, hubby!

poem from the book "i love you through and through" by bernadette rosetti-shustak

the post that describes my life

wow, i guess it's been awhile since i last posted, huh?

there are several reasons for this.

1. i am busy. with a two year old and a 10 month old i hardly get a chance to breathe. nap time used to be my "me" time but now little buddy thinks he doesn't need a nap most of the time...haha.

2. i have been reading during my "spare" time. don't judge me but i love those stupid romance novels that i can download for free on my phone. (and no, not the pornographic ones, hubby)

3. i have had very little to say

4. i have been in a depressive funk for about a week or so. today has been my first "up" day in awhile, which is nice. hopefully it will stay that way.

today i took my kids to the library (little buddy calls it the libwawy). for some reason i've really been marveling over this whole motherhood thing today. i watched buddy carry a little book around the kids section until he found the little tables and chairs. he immediately sat down and started looking through the book. he LOVES to read and it just makes my heart melt when i see his big smile and when he says "mommy eed a towy?" (translation: read a story.) he is growing up so fast i can hardly believe it. we are still potty training, we've had a few setbacks recently but i'm really proud of him for how well he has done. he loves animals, his baby sister and going outside. i look at pictures of him as a baby and it is so hard to believe how much he has changed in just two and a half years.

princess is also growing like a weed. she is nearly 11 months old, has six teeth now, "talks" a ton and has the cutest giggles ever. she gives me hugs and pats my shoulder when she does, which just makes my day. she also likes to head butt and grab faces, two things i'm trying to get her to stop doing. she adores her big brother and they play together so well. she also loves stuffed animals and eating anything she can get into her mouth. both my kids are really tall for their age. at 9 months (her last checkup) she was the average length of a 12 month old, and i'm sure she's grown a ton since then. buddy, at 24 months, was the average height of a 36 month old, in the 101st percentile. wow! tall kids! and skinny, too, although they both constantly eat and eat. i wish i had that metabolism.

i have successfully kept a betta fish alive for several weeks which is a HUGE accomplishment for me. (in may of 09 i killed three of them...all within a week. and i've also killed two goldfish in the last year.) but this one really seems to be thriving (knock on wood). i gave up naming them after gods (thor, apollo, and ares) because they are obviously not immortal. on the way home from the store with this one, hubby said, "may the fourth be with you" because this is the fourth betta. (get it? i thought it was funny....haha) so i named him darth vader. he's a dark blue and is making me so happy by being alive. let's just hope he keeps up the trend.

i also got a part time job. i work at the mall about 10ish hours a week, in the evenings. i miss my family but it is nice to have a few hours to myself, plus the money is a huge help.

in other news....i need to get up off my lazy rear end and start working out again. i got the 3o day shred video that jillian michaels does, and i lost 5 pounds-ish the first week i did it. then i got depressed and didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch/floor/bed and wallow in self-pity. i have been trying to do better about what i'm eating, too. like multi-grain bread, the 45 calorie sara lee stuff which is actually remarkably good. better than most multi-grains. and more fruit and veggies and while i'd like to say less coke, that would be a total and complete lie.

so now that i've overcome the "very little to say" part and the "depressive funk" part and also the reading part (since i finished the last book i was reading) maybe i'll get around to posting more. guess we'll see, huh? i have all these good intentions and rarely do they pan out.

someday i will sing this song...

Pure
by Superchic(k)

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that's to be found
And life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above, my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where i want to go, the rest will follow
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that i fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found, the lost will be found
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

My soul is at ease and i am free
My soul is at ease and i am free
This is my day, my soul is at ease and i am free
(and i am free, and i am free)

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

i stumble and i crawl...

Crawl
by Superchic(k)

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here

one day, what's lost can be found...

Stand in the Rain
by Superchic(k)

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering
if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

i need a hand to hold

Hold
by Superchic(k)

Tell me that it's gonna be okay
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this

'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me

Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this

i will still remain

Beauty From Pain
by Superchic(k)

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

superchic(k)

i love pandora. seriously love it...found another great band whose music really speaks to me. be prepared for a lot of their music over the next few days...and check them out on youtube, it's worth it.

i'm supposed to be here

Suddenly
by Superchic(k)

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making
might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

EMDR and group therapy

last week i attended my first session of group therapy and my first session of EMDR.

group was awesome. i went in feeling nervous, slightly anxious and apprehensive because i didn't know what to expect. turns out i left feeling much better. i really liked the therapist that runs it, and the other three women there were all women i felt i could relate to, although not all of them have been abused.

i then went to my first EMDR session on friday, with the same therapist who runs the group. i can't tell you how anxious i was going in to this session, with a therapist i barely knew. when i left i was in a state of disbelief--it really works! she had me think of a memory, my worst memory, and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being not disturbing at all, 10 being the most disturbing memory ever.) for me this was by far a 9 or 10. just thinking about it made me cry, shake, and my chest was tight, heart beating fast, started breathing quickly--very close a full-on panic attack. she didn't make me talk about it, just had me tell her how it made me feel. "terrified" was the word i chose--then she asked me where i felt it. in my chest. so she had me concentrate on the feeling while i watched her fingers go back and forth. when she was done it had gone from a 10 to about a 7. the feeling i got was now "disgusted" and i felt sick to my stomach. she did the EMDR again. it was down to about a five and i felt tense, right through my shoulders and my neck. again the EMDR and the memory was to a three. i felt it in the back of my throat, like there were words stuck there that i couldn't get out. more EMDR and the memory was to a two. i could think about it, remember it in detail, and i felt calm and rational. no panic. no physical pain. it was incredible. now several days later it is the same thing--this memory no longer gives me a panic attack. i can't wait to continue doing this to get rid of my past anxieties that still haunt me.

i have been feeling a lot better the past three or so days since the EMDR, and even since i went to group therapy and had a session with my regular therapist. especially since the crash i had after my stupid hypomanic phase last week. i am so glad that my husband and children are so great and supportive of me.

and, on a plus note, my husband's cousin got married on saturday. my mother and sister in law made this beautiful cake for their wedding dinner:

if you've ever seen the movie Steel Magnolias you will understand the hilarity of this armadillo cake. if you haven't seen it, go watch it. you will love it, i promise.

The One of My Heart

There are so many people in the world, dear,
but there's no other one that will do.
You are the one of my heart, dear,
and I am the one who loves you.
I have so many stories to tell you.
I know wonderful places to see.
And because we can see them together,
they'll be nicer for you and for me.
Let's race in the sun and be happy.
Let's splash in the stream and drip dry.
Let's roll down a hill and be silly.
Let's lie and watch clouds drifting by.
Let's sit nose to nose and share secrets.
Let's wish on a star, eyes shut tight.
Let's whisper our dreams in the darkness.
Let's snuggle together at night.
If you need me, I'll be there beside you.
If you're lonely, I'll hug you awhile.
If you're lost, I will be there to guide you.
If you're sad, I won't quit till you smile.
Hand in hand, we will greet every morning.
Hand in hand, we will meet every day.
You are the one of my heart, dear,
and nothing can take that away.
No matter how much you may change, dear,
or whether we're near or apart,
I will love you forever and ever,
for YOU are the one of my heart.

I love you, Hubby...YOU are the one of my heart.
Thank you for all of the extra love and support you have given me, for a strong shoulder to cry on, for big hugs and kisses, for patience and understanding........especially over the last month. I wouldn't be here without you. Thank you.

(poem from Bear of My Heart by Joanne Ryder....has been slightly modified)

i'm afraid of the dark

this thing called bipolar disorder really sucks.

i guess i never really paid a whole lot of attention to my mood swings prior to the diagnosis. but it's been obvious the past couple of weeks--and this last week i had a very obvious hypomanic phase.

hypomanic phases (from what i understand) suck worse than manic phases in the sense that you don't really get that high. i felt pretty good but it wasn't anything fantastic, it was more anxiety. i had this weird agitation going on in my chest that felt like i was going to explode at any second...like in the alien movies. seriously. i couldn't sit still, and at one point i was shaking so bad i couldn't even fold the laundry. plus side, i cleaned my house. but i was so incapable of dealing with emotion that even the smallest argument with hubby led to me freaking out and running away yet again.

i hate losing control. i HATE it. i'm tired of not being in control of myself. like i can sit back and watch myself lose control of my thoughts, emotions and even physical reaction, while the sane part of me wants so desperately to stop it, but can't. the real me is just helpless, reaching out to restrain the disorder but it always slips through my fingers, just out of reach, and i want to scream out in frustration. i cause the people i love most so much pain, frustration, confusion and anger...and all because i love them. sounds twisted, right? it's the truth. i love them so much i think they deserve better than me so i push them away. i love them so much they are the ones capable of hurting me the worst, so i push them away before they have the chance to.

it really sucks.

at least i have the love and support of my husband. i'd be totally lost, and probably dead, without him. he's helping me get the therapy i need. i'm still seeing my therapist, i have a good med doc, and tomorrow i will be seeing a new therapist to start EMDR. i am also officially going to group therapy, a group for women. it's dialectical behavior therapy and will help me to learn new skills to change my thinking and behavior patterns that cause misery and suffering to myself and those around me. we learn new skills that help with mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. these are all things i need MAJOR help with.

so...on i go into the journey of life with bipolar disorder. off into the darkness, the scary unknown, with very little--my husband holding my hand, my therapy "team" guiding me, my friends and family cheering me on. small glimpses of positive. hopefully the darkness will begin to lessen soon, because i'm afraid of the dark.

inspiration award

i received an email the other day from online health insurance. this website gives away awards to people who have an inspiring story. here is what the email said:

"This award was created for people we feel have an inspiring story of recovery and survival, whether physically, mentally or emotionally. After reviewing your website and reading your inspirational story, we feel your story instills a feeling of hope in us all. Therefore, we want to recognize your story so that others may also feel inspired and hopeful in their own recovery and survival. You can also read more about the award and how it was created on our website."

thank you!

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