i'm a winner! (not to be confused with weiner)

okay, so, you're never going to believe this. remember that giveaway i blogged about a few days ago? the one cheryl was having for her birthday?

i totally won! seriously! this adorable onesie and burpcloth for our new little one that is a-cooking in my belly. made by sara at sew sara.

i never win anything. my life has been full of contest disappointments. so on this day, this marvelous day in which i am not deathly ill (thank goodness) i have finally broken my losing streak and won a prize. thanks cheryl!

stupid mortgage company.

have you ever noticed that when something good happens, it seems that something else falls apart completely?

the bank declined the offer on our house. they were not up front with us about exactly what is going on. poor hubby is freaking out. he's over at our realtor's office now trying to figure out what is going on. our house appraised higher than what we were originally "approved" for for a short sale of our house. we had dropped the price drastically on the understanding of what we had been approved. then come to find out, after receiving an offer, they want us to raise the price $15,000. how is raising the price on our house going to increase interest and traffic through it? we are stressing out....how are we going to deal with this financially?

physically i am doing terrible. vertigo is horrible. i haven't passed out again but i am having a hard time moving around. today was the first time i have left the house in awhile, and it was hard. we took little buddy to the doctor for his year check up and shots. poor kid.

we do have another showing for this evening. i need to go pick up the house and do some dishes so it looks nice. good thing is that our realtor explained to these people the situation with the price and they are still interested in looking. hopefully they will like the house. keep your fingers crossed...we could use all the luck we can get!

happy birthday cheryl!

cheryl, over at happy meets crazy, is having her 30th birthday this week. and because it is her birthday, she's having an awesome giveaway! go check it out!

yesterday was a pretty good day.

so we had little buddy's birthday party yesterday. i still can't get over the fact that he is one. the party went well. he got lots of fun new toys and books. and some cute new clothes, including a nightmare before christmas tee shirt my mom bought for him at disneyland--mostly for me. :) he loved his cake and made a mess which was fun to watch.

we also got an offer on our house yesterday! can you believe it? the house has been on the market since july, and we finally got an offer. plus, we are expecting a second offer on monday from another family who loved the house. my hubby did a happy dance. i pray that this goes through. now...to pack...

victims who suffer silently

i received this email from susan (name has been changed to protect her identity) a few days ago. i felt it was important to share her story with you.

I just wanted to tell you I think you are very courageous. I was abused as a child but only a select few people know this. It was by my step-father. Actually you are only the second person I have ever told in my life. I haven't even told my husband. It has been hard keeping this from him but I know that if I told him he would go after my step-father. I plan on telling him when my step-father passes away. My mother doesn't even know. I have three sisters and they too were abused. I knew me and my older sister were because he didn't care that we were both in the same room. We thought we were protecting our two younger sisters and we thought we watched them pretty good and that since he was messing with us he wouldn't them. We were wrong. Besides talking about it with each other I had to tell my daughter at an early age. I was a single parent at that time and had to live with them. By this time he had quit but I couldn't take the chance with my daughter. He never touched her! I would have killed him if he had. Your post about forgiveness has got me thinking. I don't know if I have forgiven him. He has never acknowledged what he did but I feel like he is sorry for it. I can't be sure. But when we talk about it with our children they can't believe that that man is their Papa. But we still have strong emotional feelings about it. We still see him at least once a week. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable sometimes it's like nothing happened. I don't know why I felt led to write and tell you but I just felt like I had to.

the reason i wanted to share this story with you is this: how many of us have sisters, friends, cousins, next-door neighbors, that have been abused and can't talk about it? haven't talked about it? statistics say that every one in four women and every one in ten men will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18. however, experts believe that this number is much higher because of all the people who don't come forward.

being a victim of abuse, i feel it is easier for me to determine if someone i know has been abused or not. i'm not always right, of course, as there are many forms of psychological trauma. like susan, many of these people are afraid to talk about it. in susan's case she is afraid of her husband's retaliation. for me, i just didn't want to talk about it. i didn't want to come forward because i wasn't ready to. i was afraid of how my parents would react. i was scared it would tear our family apart. i thought i was capable of dealing with it on my own. and i was so wrong.

it is important to remember to be sensitive to others. abuse is so prevalent in our society. we never know who is silently suffering, who needs our help. sometimes unknowingly we can be the saving grace for a friend or a neighbor. we can provide the love, support, and validation that they need, without ever meaning to. it is imperative that we do not pass judgment on someone for not telling. or for telling. we have no idea what they have been through, what they have been told, what is going on in their head.

it is also important to protect our children. i don't know when or if my parents would have found out the abuse i endured if my sister had not come forward. my parents trusted my uncle. they thought they knew him--he was my dad's little brother, my mom had known him since he was six years old. most abusers are relatives or close friends. the parents of our children's friends. i don't want to scare you. there is no possible way to completely prevent abuse. but we can be careful. listen to your gut feelings. teach your children what to do in those kinds of situations, starting at a young age. if you notice anything different about your child's behavior, talk to them about it. be observant. if your child is abused, don't blame yourself. to be honest, it will only make things harder for them. be supportive, get them help and treatment. retaliation against an abuser will only make things WORSE. for you and your child. do not take things into your own hands. go to the police. contact the district attorney's office. prosecute through the court system.

i know there is a lot more that i could say. but i feel i have hit the important points, and i don't want to ramble on. if you are a victim suffering silently, remember that you are not alone. you never know who else suffers your burden, someone you know and love. when you are ready to talk about it, you will be surprised at how loving and supportive people can be. don't be afraid to tell someone, and to get the help you need.

fun to be one!

yesterday was my baby's birthday. i can't believe he is one. the last year has just flown by. he looks so grown up my heart aches. i feel as if i have missed the first year of his life, even though i was there watching him grow and learn. it is incredible the changes a single year can bring. my sweet boy is a toddler now. i feel like an outsider already. i can't imagine how hard it will be when he is a teenager!

things have been increasingly difficult for me over the past week. i am getting more sick. my headaches are so painful i want to cry every time i speak or move. i am dizzy and weak. i'm stressed out beyond belief. hubby is having a very hard time as well and that makes me feel guilty. i feel terrible that i have not been working; we desperately need the money. he has been keeping the house clean and taking care of the baby. yesterday we got into an argument and i lost my temper (again). financially we are close to losing everything. his anxiety is through the roof and i can't help him. i feel like a terrible wife, and a terrible mother, because i have been so sick i can't give my son the attention i want to.

i am having nightmares more and more. nothing so far related to the abuse. but nightmares still. i hate them. i don't sleep well as it is. the nights i wake up shaking are terrible. last night i woke from a nightmare and saw the face of a woman in front of me, her eyes boring into me, a half-smile on her face as if she knew something horrible that i didn't. i know it was from my dream, and i was in a waking nightmare. when i closed my eyes she was still there staring at me. within a few minutes i fell back asleep and it was gone. more often i have been having those...apparitions...hallucinations...when i am half-asleep and waking from a nightmare. one night i awoke from a nightmare to find spiders crawling up my wall. (i am terrified of spiders and frequently have nightmares about them.) it took me blinking and clearing my head for a few minutes before they went away and i could relax again. these dreams become increasingly real and i hate it.

it disgusts and angers me the way that the abuse i have been through permeates every part of my life and who i am. it makes me sick to think about how i could be if i hadn't been so traumatized. because of someone else's choices i will suffer, my family will suffer. i don't understand how someone could possibly think it is okay to hurt a child, especially in such a sexual and perverse way. i am tired of being angry all the time. i am tired of hating myself. i am tired of being afraid. i am tired of the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks. i am tired of this interfering so negatively with my marriage.

i want it to end. i just want it all to go away. but it never will. no matter how much i work at this it will always be there. sure, i may feel better, it may affect my life less negatively eventually, but after ten years of working on it i am still struggling. will it never just...end?

I Have A Question: Forgiveness and Contact with Your Abuser

originally posted at modern molly mormon

The following article hits home with me, as my abuser is a member of my family: my uncle. Many abusers are family members, close ones: brothers, fathers, mothers, grandfathers. It can be extremely difficult to heal and figure out if interacting with your abuser will cause more problems. It is possible to forgive and choose to stay away from your abuser completely. Sometimes that is the best way to protect yourself emotionally. Some people are able to be around their abuser. I have chosen to stay away from mine completely, at least for now. There is nothing wrong with this. I can still work toward forgiving him without being around him.

Question: Am I in error to avoid all contact with a family member who has seriously wronged me and continues to emotionally abuse me? I harbor no bitterness toward this person, yet my spouse wonders if I am nevertheless being unforgiving.

By Maxine Murdock, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, June 1994, 60–61 Maxine Murdock, retired member of the Brigham Young University Psychology Department.

Emotional abuse and mistreatment that occur over an extended period of time can be devastating. Those so wronged have the right and responsibility to protect themselves.

If a perpetrator is not a family member, avoiding all contact might be easy. But terminating contact with an abusive family member is difficult, particularly for Latter-day Saints, because of the emphasis we place on the importance of family ties. Nevertheless, victims of abuse must protect themselves from family members and others who freely choose to mistreat them.

Avoiding contact, for a while at least, may sometimes be the only way to achieve that end. When the time is right and if a perpetrator has repented and abandoned abusive behavior, minimal contact might be initiated, perhaps through cards or letters on holidays. Later, a phone call might be appropriate. It may help to make such contact impersonal at first. When renewing personal visits, those who have been wronged should consider doing so in group situations that provide a safe atmosphere and an opportunity to gauge the offender’s behavior and reaction toward renewed contact.

Visits should be brief at first. One of the best ways to determine how, when, and whether to proceed is to appeal for heavenly help through prayer. Those who have been abused, not their well-meaning friends or relatives, must determine when to reinitiate contact.

The ability to discard bitterness is a big step toward reconciliation and forgiveness. Many individuals who have been abused express frustration over their inability to grant forgiveness. The offended often receive great pressure from others to forgive their offender. They are told, “You can’t heal until you forgive.”

Forgiveness is a personal and often lengthy process. Condemning those who have difficulty forgiving places an additional burden on them. Sometimes, under pressure, they will say, “Yes, I forgive,” while deep inside, the hurt not only remains but is compounded by guilt because they do not really believe their own words. On the other hand, those who have been abused should remember that forgiveness is a gospel principle that eventually brings peace of mind. Forgiveness is not only possible but is an essential part of healing, though in some cases it may take years to forgive. “You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive,” said Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve. “Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord” (Ensign, May 1992, p. 33).

The Savior said, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven” (Matt. 5:44–45). Although we do not have the same degree of knowledge that the Lord has, we do have his counsel. While he will forgive whom he will forgive, it is required of us, no matter how arduous the task, “to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).

Small offenses may be fairly easy to forgive—especially those resulting from accidents, carelessness, or insensitivity. But offenses that are long lasting or that cause deep wounds to the soul are much more difficult to forgive, particularly when an offender does not care, feel sorry, apologize, or even recognize the offense.

Elder Scott further taught, “Forgiveness … can be hard to understand, even more difficult to give. Begin by withholding judgment. … Leave the handling of aggressors to others. As you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will come more easily” (Ensign, May 1992, pp. 32–33).

True forgiveness often develops slowly, a little at a time, perhaps even unconsciously at first. No one can predict how long it should take to forgive. As friends, family, priesthood leaders, or professional helpers, we must be patient with those seeking to forgive. Few of us can see or feel the invisible wounds they have suffered.

Forgiveness does not require acceptance of abuse or acceptance of an abusive person. But when hurt has healed, when victims have realized that the abuse is not something they caused or deserved, when they have tried sincerely to understand the offender, and when they have prayed for charity and spiritual guidance, then peace of mind and true forgiveness will come.

here we go again...

I am having another difficult day. I have now passed out twice in two days–terrible migraines and weakness on top of it all. I am leaving work early. I just don’t know what to do about this. I need to work–we need the money. But I am feeling so ill I want to lay in bed and cry. Nausea hasn’t been too terrible today which is good. My poor husband is stressed to the max as well. I have got to figure out a way to keep this under control. I’m stressed out and depressed, worried and kind of freaking out about this. Anyone have any ideas?

i'm not sure what to call this one. so this title probably sucks as much as this post.

complaints:
my poor son is sick. he has never been sick--literally. he has had pain from teething and growing. but this time, he's got a fever, he's vomiting, he's sleeping more than usual--poor kid. two days before his birthday and he's ill.

we showed our house three times this last weekend. got emails from our realtor today. turns out the people that looked at it are not interested, because of the neighborhood. surprise, surprise. that's why we're leaving. disappointing because we thought that one of them was going to make an offer.

i am still feeling like crap.

went to work yesterday to find that the office was closed---no one told me.

i've been sleeping like i'm seven months pregnant. can't get comfortable, entire body aches, my stomach hurts, pain sleeping on my back. i'm eight weeks! i shouldn't be having this.

those vitamins i take cuz i'm preggers? nasty.

i'm feeling sorrrrry for myselffffff......

okay enough bitching, now for some happy thoughts.
hubby texted me this morning to tell me we're going out to eat at this fantastic brazilian buffet tonight "because i deserve it." mmmmmmmmmm.

i now have 33 followers, yay!

i got to see my friend steph yesterday which was awesome.

i had kiwi for breakfast. i love kiwi.

yesterday since i didn't have to work, hubby and i went shopping for little buddy's birthday. got some fantastic decorations and fun gifts for him! he gets his own cake, too, and we got fun things to decorate it with. i'm excited for the party we are having for him on saturday!

i have pretty orange daisies on my kitchen table. flowers make me so happy.

for valentine's day, hubby got me bath fizzes. i used one yesterday. it was lavender. i love lavender. and it turned the bathwater purple! it was pretty darn cool.

friends

i love it when friends show up at your house, just to make sure you're okay and tell you hi and that they love you. i love it more when they stay and talk to you. and buy you lunch.

i have some pretty darn good friends.

happy valentine's day!

i hope you all have a day filled with chocolate, beautiful flowers, romantic dinners, and i love yous!

nothing better to write today...

puke, puke, puke. that is what i want to do. i hate being nauseated like this, yuck. although, i have not thrown up, (yet), which is a good thing i guess. with little buddy i wanted to throw up constantly and quite often i did. it seems to me as if i am not as sick with this pregnancy, although it is just getting started. i may just be remembering wrong. maybe i didn't get sick until later with the first one. hmm. my memory fails me.

today i started taking my new antidepressant. my dr put me on celexa while i am pregnant, a really low dose, with the hope and goal that i will go off of it during the third trimester to prevent problems for the baby. i am hoping it will help. the past few weeks have been harder depression-wise.

so there is a lady my hubby works with that has been lending me books. she's the one that lent me the twilight books to read. then she sent home eragon with my husband. now, normally, i don't care for those kinds of books. i did not like lord of the rings. this series is along the same lines. i read eragon and liked it okay, definitely not my favorite book, but not bad. then she sent the second one, eldest. i finished it last night. let me tell you, i really got into that one. maybe about a fifth of the way through i was thinking it was going to be okay, like the first. nope. way more interesting. i couldn't put it down! now i've got to wait for the third one, which i think is called brisingr. i honestly don't even know how many books are in the series. but the end of the second one left me kind of hanging and i have got to know what happens next!

tax return, tax return, tax return came today. hooray for paying off bills and credit cards....and for going out to eat on valentine's day! we weren't going to do anything but then hubby decided instead of running away to sea world (which is what we wanted to do) and blowing it all, we should go out to eat. so he is taking me to red lobster....YUM....because we both LOVE seafood and i think the shrimp there is fan-freaking-tastic. i love it when they do the all you can eat shrimp buffet. yesterday we went to wal-mart, split up and bought valentine gifts for each other. i'm pretty sure he'll like what i got him. :)

so my baby turns a year old in less than a week. i can't believe it. a year ago today i was begging my doctor to induce me because i was so uncomfortable and READY for that baby to be here. i wanted to cry when my dr said he wouldn't induce me until i was at least 41 weeks. but then little buddy was born the day before his due date--i was 39 weeks and six days along when he came into the world. oh man i'm going to cry. i better save the tears for his birthday on the 19th.

well i think i better stop rambling. i wanted to write something a little more heartfelt and serious today, but i just can't. i'm not sure if it's because i'm afraid to because i'll end up crying (stupid hormones) or if it's because i don't know what to say, how to describe what's going on in my head right now. maybe tomorrow something better will spew forth from my keyboard.

Forgiveness Can Heal

originally posted at modern molly mormon

Forgiving instead of nurturing retribution will help heal the conflicts that fracture our society.

Just as important, when we forgive, our own wounds begin to heal. As we faithfully surrender to the Savior the pain caused us by others, the power of the Atonement heals our wounded hearts, lifts our burdens of sorrow, and brings peace to our families, to our neighborhoods, and to our own souls.
The Apostle Paul reminds us, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

The judgment and forgiving are the Savior's perogative, for only he can forgive and wash away our sins. He reminds us, "This is my church. It is my name through which they will be saved. It is through my sacrifice. It is I who will judge." (See Mosiah 26:10-24)

How often do we forget who has the right to judge? Forgiveness of sin depends on Him, not on us.

it's TWINS!

just kidding! i got you there though, didn't i?

we went to the dr yesterday and had our first ultrasound done. everything is looking good, only one baby (thank goodness). we heard the baby's heartbeat and it was awesome. the baby is at the bottom of the uterus. our dr said it's "slumming" down there at the bottom...haha!

having a second kid is so much easier. dr knows me, my history, no pelvic exam, no rush on blood work (i'm waiting until next month) etc. the dr suggested acupuncture or hypnosis to help with my migraines. luckily they haven't been too bad so far. nausea sucks, but no throwing up. i threw up a lot with little buddy. just an overall feeling of malaise, the nausea and low grade headaches, sore muscles and being tired. but i am capable of functioning at home and work, which i am so grateful for.

dr also said it was okay for me to go back on my antidepressants. instead of the effexor i will be taking celexa. i took celexa for years, started in 9th grade and took it up through my freshman year of college. it works for me and so i am optimistic. limited side effects and it should affect the baby. he would like me to try and wean off it during the third trimester, but if i have to be on it then it will still be okay. my psychiatrist doesn't want me taking my anxiety med or nightmare meds though, which so far hasn't been too bad. i've had nightmares but nothing too terrifying. hasn't interfered a whole lot with my sleep. and only one panic attack so far. i think the exhaustion from being pregnant has helped me to sleep better at night so far.

i have had really tight muscles in my shoulders and it has been very painful. i didn't have a whole lot of that with little buddy. lucky for me my father in law is a physical therapist, and has his own business. they have massage therapists there that i can see. my in laws don't charge me my copay, so it's free. they just bill the insurance and take care of the rest. isn't that awesome? i'm going in tomorrow night to see if i can get some of my shoulder and back muscles a bit looser.

also another pregnancy annoyance--nasal congestion. and nosebleeds. i hated that last time and i still do. every morning i wake up all stuffed up and my throat hurts because of it. it usually fades within an hour but man is it obnoxious. and getting random bloody noses isn't fun either.

as far as cravings go, i've been drinking a ton of milk. and eating fruit. and other random things that i've seen on tv and such. i want to puke every time i see an arby's commercial, weird because that was one of my cravings last time. curly fries. and now i'm saying YUCK. smell of onions makes me ill. garlic a bit too. and italian food sounds sickening to me. macaroni and cheese sounds yummy. with little buddy i drank tons of slurpees. i would be drinking them a lot with this one too, helps the nausea, but it adds up.

my official due date is september 28th now. i'm really looking forward to getting out of the first trimester, which isn't too far away. i'm glad i haven't been as sick so far with this pregnancy. hopefully it will continue that way.

did any of you who have been pregnant have weird things going on? good/bad symptoms, illnesses, etc?

seeing past the grime

today i am feeling better physically. yesterday was awful.

with little buddy, i was really sick. i had terrible migraines and i would pass out for no apparent reason. dizziness, weakness, on top of the nausea/vomiting/exhaustion/other fun pregger stuff. i spent the majority of my pregnancy in bed wishing i could die, crying, and attempting to get rid of the pain by sleeping. i am really hoping that i don't have those problems, at least not as severe, with this pregnancy. i have already had issues with headaches, and yesterday was miserable. i had a terrible migraine complete with blurred vision and light/sound sensitivity. thankfully hubby is understanding and supportive.

i am still very stressed out about the timing of this baby. but the good news is that i am feeling better. i have been able to talk to hubby about my fear and my stress. i also got to talk to my mom about it today. although i am still scared out of my mind about my ability to handle my impending illness and take care of little buddy the way he needs and deserves, plus keep working to maintain my financial income, i am feeling better about it. i'm still not....exactly excited....but i am happier. in fact i am looking forward to having two beautiful babies. being a mother is the most fantastic thing in the world, the best thing i have ever experienced, and i imagine it only gets better as it gets harder.

both hubby and my mom said exactly the same thing to me today. things they have both said as long as they have known me. they told me that i am stronger than i think i am. that any failures come from me setting myself up, discouraging myself and beating myself up. not allowing myself to succeed. they both told me that i am a good person, a strong person, a wonderful mother. i have never really believed either of them. i try--but i don't think hard enough.

my mom brought over this picture she has had of me as long as i can remember--hanging in her bedroom. it is large, about 10x13, of me when i was about two years old. i am on the sidewalk by our house, bent at the knee and holding a couple dandelions. on the sidewalk next to me are a few more that i am picking up. i am smiling and happy. my mom cried when she gave me the picture. it is her favorite, one my grandmother had printed and gave to her. she said that she had been thinking about this picture a lot lately, especially with all of the struggles i have faced with the aftermath of my abuse. she felt inspired to bring it to me today. she told me to look at the picture, and use it to help me to find myself. to remember who i really am. that i am a strong, happy, daughter of God. that experiences do not determine who i am or whether i am a bad person or good. she said that she knows who i really am inside, that she knows i can find it--i just have a lot of things to clear out of the way before i can see it. she said she has watched me grow up, watched me struggle and fall, watched me in so much pain after what was taken from me. but in spite of all of that, she said she could always see what was inside of me, even when i couldn't. even though i still can't.

hubby says the same thing. although he hasn't known me my whole life, he didn't know me before i was abused, he can still see what i can't: the person i really am. he tells me how strong, and intelligent, and beautiful i am inside, and what a good person i am. i know he gets frustrated that i don't see it. i know it hurts him that i don't listen to him or believe him.

but maybe, just maybe, he is right. maybe my mom is right. maybe i am worth something. maybe i am a good person...maybe all of this junk, all of this pain, and hurt, and anger, and self-loathing is just hiding the true me. like a penny, left in the dirt, covered in grime. clean it off and it's beautiful, shining, pretty.

at this point i'm still too scared and hurt to see past the grime. but maybe there's a faint glimmer of hope....and although it's a cautious hope, it's still hope....like from pandora's box. thousands of ugly, terrible, horrible things, all covering the most important thing in the world: HOPE.

The Savior Requires Us to Forgive

originally posted at modern molly mormon

Am I required to forgive my abuser even if they have not repented?

It is sometimes hard to forgive others, especially when we have been deeply hurt. We may replay an offender's sin against us long after the person has repented -- and even after God remembers the sin no more (see D&C 58:42).

This is especially true when the hurt and needed repentance is between family members. But harboring hurts from others can canker our souls. It prevents us from experiencing the full blessings of the Atonement. Indeed, when we fail to forgive, we bear the grater sin (see D&C 64:9-10).

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, "There is a mighty power of healing in Christ, and...if we are to be his true servants, we must not only exercise that healing power in behalf of others, but, perhaps more important, inwardly." It takes true faith in Jesus Christ to submit offenses against us to the power of his atonement.

The Savior requires us to forgive. We cannot fully heal if we do not put the hurt and bitterness behind us. The Lord understands how difficult this can be, especially with something like abuse. Even if our abuser does not recognize his or her sins against us, we are still required to forgive them. The Lord will justly deal with them. For us, we are required to be like the Savior, and forgive.

the countdown

so today I am six weeks and one day pregnant. I am nauseated. I have a headache. I want to crawl in bed and hide there.

I told my hubby: only 34 weeks to go! and he rolled his eyes and told me he was going to put me in isolation for the next 8 months if I keep it up.

I’m ornery. I’m tired. I’m moody as hell.

I remember why I hated being pregnant so much.

I had bad morning sickness (morning! ha! try all day and all night sickness) until I was 24 weeks along with little buddy. then things got a lot better. my second trimester was great. headaches mostly gone. I wasn’t throwing up all the time. I wasn’t so big I was uncomfortable or in pain. the baby had started moving, we found out it was a boy, and I was so excited.
so I guess if we’re counting down, we should count down to that:

only 8 weeks to go until my second trimester…

caught (TOTALLY) off guard....

so i think i figured out why i haven't been feeling like myself lately.

and it's not because of the new meds i'm on.

it's because i'm not just myself anymore...

thanks for the BIG SURPRISE, mother nature!

we are excited and scared and holy cow...can you freaking believe it?

p.s. if you are a close friend of mine and this is how you are finding out i am sorry. i haven't felt much like doing anything lately. i hope you understand!