it's (definitely) a....

girl!

but you already knew that. :)

we had our official ultrasound and the hospital today. she is growing right on schedule and is perfectly healthy! we are so excited!

"If Thou Endure It Well"

The following article is by Elder Marvin J. Ashton.

When tragedy, disappointment, and heartache surface in our lives, it is not unusual for many of us to become self-condemning and resentful. In the stress of the situation we declare, "What have we done to deserve this? Why does the Lord allow this to happen to us?"

Sometimes we spend so much time trying to determine what we did wrong in the past to deserve the unpleasant happenings of the moment that we fail to resolve the challenges of the present. Og Mansion wrote in his book The Greatest Miracle in the World, "If we lock ourselves in a prison of failure and self-pity, we are the only jailers...we have the only key to our freedom."

We can let ourselves out of such a prison by turning to the Lord for strength. With His help we can use our trials as stepping-stones. The keys are in our hands.

"I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." (D&C 82:10)

If we are offended and resentful, can we believe that He is bound to help us in our tragedies and disappointments? The scripture does not tell us how or when this commitment will be effective or realized, but His promise is real and binding. Our challenge is to endure. There will always be testing and trials along life's paths. Heartaches and tragedies need not defeat us if we remember God's promise.

A worthwhile attitude for all of us could well be, "Help us, O Lord, to remember thy love for us and help us to be fortifid by thy strength when our eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow and our vision is limited."

It is expedient for all of us, particularly those who may be weighed down by grief because of acts of misconduct or misfortune, to recall that even the Prophet Joseph Smith had hours of despair because of his very trying experiences in the Liberty Jail. Perhaps he too was entitled to question, "What did I do wrong? What have I done to displease thee, O Lord? Where have I failed? Why are the answers to my prayers and please withheld?" In response to the feelings of his heart and mind he cried out: "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1)

The Lord responded to him, as He does to each of us: "My son, peace be unto thy soul: thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)

selling out

you may notice ads on my sidebar and below my posts now. that is because i am, in fact, selling out. i'm extremely strapped for $$$$ right now and we are worried about our housing situation. so i'm doing everything i can to earn a few extra dollars. so if you're feeling generous, i would love it if you took a few extra seconds to click on an ad. i earn a pitiful amount for every ad you click on.

the make a difference award

this is an award i have decided to create. there are so many blogs out there that i think truly make a difference--bloggers who use their personal experiences to boost others up. those who spread awareness by sharing their stories.

i'm not going to make any "rules" for this award. i think this is an award that should be passed on to as few or as many blogs that have made a difference in your life. even if it's a small difference. even if i haven't awarded it to you, feel free to take it and pass it on.

i would like to give this award to a few of my fellow survivors of child abuse--those bloggers whose blogs constantly inspire me and help me to know that i am not alone.

marj aka thriver at survivors can thrive

grace at grace uncensored

mile 191 at come into my closet

enola

mike at child abuse survivor

cassandra at determined to overcome and heal

sapphire dreams at hush puppy don't say finding me

ethereal highway

so thank you for your inspiring thoughts and journeys....i appreciate your courage in sharing your experiences!

it's (probably) a....

GIRL!

went to the doctor today and had an ultrasound. isn't this image just hilarious? it looks like she's got her little arms crossed and is glaring at us. "how dare you send those sound waves into my little cocoon?"

the little dear was being slightly difficult so it was hard to tell 100% if it's a boy or girl. (thus the probably.) the doctor was pretty sure it's a girl but there is still some question. our official ultrasound at the hospital will be in the next week or two once i get it scheduled so we should find out for sure then.

how fun! a girl! i'm going to love little dresses, and bows, and ruffles, and lace.....it will just be harder since we have boxes of boy clothes and no girl clothes. one of each! how perfect!

life lessons from "my name is earl"

today is the day we find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. hopefully the baby will cooperate so we can see! little buddy had himself on display for the whole world, the doctor didn't even have to go looking. he put the ultrasound wand thing down on my stomach and there he was, announcing to everyone he was in fact a boy. this baby seems much different than little buddy already so we will have to see. if you haven't voted in the poll yet you better do it now! tomorrow i will be announcing the good news!

allergies have totally been kicking my rear the past few days. which is really weird considering i have never had allergies before. my nose itches, i'm stuffed up, my throat hurts and is full of junk and i just hate it. those of you who routinely deal with them, i have a new found sympathy for you.

life here just seems to be getting harder and harder. remember how my grandma was really sick? well she's still sick, but at least she is home. we found out a few days ago that my grandpa (on my mom's side) was admitted to the hospital. he was diagnosed with leukemia last summer. within the last month his white blood cell count has tripled and the cancer seems to be spreading very quickly. my parents made a spur-of-the-moment trip to see him, driving 11 hours or so to get there.

and things on the housing front aren't going well. our house still hasn't sold and we most likely won't be able to move where we originally planned, so we are stressing majorly about finding a place to live that we can afford and is in a good neighborhood.

stress. stress. stress. i could use a break every once in awhile, ya know?

last night though, we were watching that show "my name is earl" and he said something that really stood out to me. for those of you who haven't seen the show, it's pretty darn hilarious. earl used to be a petty criminal and did all kinds of stupid things to random people. he went to jail and saw some talk show on tv where they were talking about karma and decided he was going to turn his life around. so he carries a list of people he hurt while in his bad days around with him. when he finds them he apologizes for whatever he did and does what he can to make it up to them--thus crossing them off his list. anyway...last night the episode was about a preacher he had done a lot of bad things to--stole his organ, stole his tools, knocked him over in a port-a-potty, slept with his wife, and shot out the tail light in his truck. over the course of the show as he remembers these things he's done he tries to apologize and make it up to the guy. when the preacher finds out he slept with his wife he goes ballistic. but then when he realizes that earl was the one who shot out his tail light his attitude changed. it turned out that because of the tail light he was pulled over, then arrested for having all kinds of weapons and such in his truck (he used to be a gangster) and sent to jail. while he was in jail his entire crew was killed, and his life was saved. it was then he changed his life and became a man of god. so he forgave earl, realized it was earl's stupidity that had saved him, and came back.

at the very end, earl talks about how even though the preacher had lost his path, he came back. he said, "that's the beauty of having a path. even if you get lost and stray from it, it's always there waiting for you to come back." (not an exact quote but close enough.)

i really liked that. right now i'm not quite sure what my path is. ultimately i hope it's the path that will get me "home" back to Heavenly Father. i'd like to think it's the path i'm on. but how comforting to know that even if we stray, the path doesn't disappear. we can always find our way back and continue on our journey, no matter how bad things get.

isn't it funny how one line from a comedy tv show can get you thinking?

Turning Darkness Into Light

In what ways can I use what I have learned from my abuse to help myself grow and to serve others?

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.

We have all heard popular sayings like this, designed to encourage us and push us forward.

A piece of coal must go through thousands of years of heat and pressure before it becomes a diamond.

A beautiful pearl is the result of irritation and pain caused by a single grain of sand.

As survivors we often feel that we have had all the heat, pressure, irritation and pain we can possibly handle! But, if we allow ourselves to look back at all the things we've learned, the wonderful people we've met, our increase in compassion and understanding, and our slowness to judge those around us, hopefully we can honestly say that we are grateful for what we have gained. We must learn to turn the darkness of the past into light.

As we struggle to make something good out of that which is so wrong and ugly, we can find hope and peace in the following scripture:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)