Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Child Sexual Abusers: Pedophiles, Opportunists, Molesters, and Predators How Understanding Their Behavior Can Prevent Abuse from Occurring

This is a report I wrote this week for a communications class I am taking. I learned a lot of good information while writing it and thought that it was worth sharing. It's long...but worth the read, I hope!
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Child Sexual Abusers: Pedophiles, Opportunists, Molesters, and Predators

How Understanding Their Behavior Can Prevent Abuse from Occurring

Abstract

Child sexual abusers are a prevalent part of our society. In order to protect our children and prevent their victimization, it is necessary for us to understand potential abusers: who they are, how they behave, where they are located and why they molest and assault children. Through the course of research, I have outlined the basic profile of a child sexual abuser, including their characteristics, patterns of offense, and treatment. Finally, I have outlined how this information can aid us in preventing future victimization from occurring.

Introduction

Before delving into the criminal mind of a child abuser, it is necessary to understand what child sexual abuse is and its prevalence in our society.

Definition

There is not a single definition of what constitutes sexual abuse of a child. Legal experts define it as “any act that violates penal code.” Psychologists define it as “any act in which an adult takes advantage of a child for sexual gratification” (Sax 25; Schwartz-Kenny, McCauley, and Epstein 245). Child sexual abuse can take on several forms. The first form is what is termed sexual assault. This includes any physical act performed on a child or that a child is forced to perform: rape, sodomy, fondling, oral sex, etc. The second, sexual molestation, which includes other inappropriate sexual behavior: watching a child undress, exposing oneself to a child, explicit talk, etc. The third form is sexual exploitation: exposing children to or using them in the creation of pornography, selling children into prostitution rings, using them for some kind of personal advancement and financial profit, etc. (Sax 26-27).

In order for something to be deemed sexual abuse, both of the following criteria must be met: first, that the offender is an adult, or significantly older than the victim, or in a position of trust; second, that the offender uses the child in any way for sexual stimulation or gratification (Sax 25).

Prevalence

The occurrence of child abuse across all realms (physical, verbal, neglectful, sexual) is vastly underreported. Of all types of abuse, however, sexual abuse is the most underreported, both in victim disclosure and in collecting reliable data from the offenders themselves (Sax 23-24). The bulk of the statistics we currently have come from criminal cases. Over one million cases of serious child abuse are reported every year (Mead and Westgate B-3). According to one study done by psychiatrist Gene Abel in the 1980s, pedophiles have only a three percent chance of getting caught. Bearing this in mind, it is easy to see how unreliable current statistics may be.

There are other causes for unreliability in reported numbers. Each state has different laws pertaining to child sexual abuse. Under these laws, variation in acts and behaviors considered criminal cause a discrepancy in reporting. Something that may be classified as aggravated assault in the state of Utah may be classified as something else in Nevada. As such, complete numbers may not make it to a statistical information bank. Prior to 2000, when the Department of Justice began collecting statistical data on a national level, numbers were collected by local police departments. There was no uniform standard on keeping statistics, and only a few specific acts were identified and reported, most notably forcible rape, forcible sodomy, forcible fondling, and sexual assault with an object.

Offenders, once caught, are unreliable with their information. Victims are reluctant to disclose the full truth of what occurred, or cannot, due to memory lapses or blockages. Many victims never report the abuse, for several reasons, usually fear of the abuser and his/her threats, guilt, shame, fear of not being believed, fear of breaking up their family, among others.

Reports that come from false allegations also play a role on the reliability of these statistics.

From a 2007 report from the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (Sax 24-25), the following can be said of child sexual abuse in the United States:

  • · 1 in 5 girls will be molested prior to their 18th birthday
  • · 1 in 6 boys will be molested prior to their 18th birthday
  • · 1 in 7 reported victims are children under the age of six
  • · 40% of offenders who molested children under the age of six where under the age of 18
  • · 2 out of every 3 abuse cases involve victims who are teenagers or young children
  • · An estimated 20% of all children in the US receive unwanted sexual messages—75% of these never tell
  • · There are 400,000 new victims of sexual assault each year
  • · Currently, there are 550,000 registered sex offenders in the US. Each year more than 100,000 of them fail to register
  • · 76% of serial rapists claim they were molested as children
  • · 40% of male juvenile delinquents report being molested as children
  • · Nearly 90% of all sexual abuse perpetrators are family members, friends or neighbors, people the child knows and trusts.

Other statistics from various studies show that 80-98% of all prison inmates were either physically or sexually abused in their childhood. 60 to 80% of people being treated for alcohol and drug problems were abused or molested as children (Mead and Westgate B-3). Many studies estimate that the numbers of children who are molested is higher than the FBI’s report with rates being closer to 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 4 boys molested prior to their 18th birthdays.

Importance

The ultimate goal is to keep sexual abuse from happening. Realistically this is not likely, perhaps not even possible. What is realistic, however, is that by educating ourselves and our children, we can lessen its prevalence and make perpetrating the crime more difficult for the offender. How are we to prevent abuse occurring if we do not understand why it occurs, where it occurs, how it occurs, and who is committing the crime? If we understand the criminal, if we can predict his behaviors, it becomes easier to stop his crime.

Methods

I have used several sources in researching this topic. First, several print sources, most written by educated experts in the field of child sexual abuse: psychiatrists, district attorneys, police investigators, etc. I have also used several government websites for statistical data. In addition to these sources, I have used my own empirical knowledge, as I have been involved in anti-child abuse campaigns for several years. I am personally a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and as such, have a unique view on this topic. I have been able to draw upon my own experiences in court proceedings, therapy, the process of abuse and my personal relationship to my abuser and his tendencies.

I began by drawing upon my own experience, asking myself, what about my own situation can be applied to most sexual abuse cases? As a survivor, what do I feel is important to teach others about potential threats to themselves and their children? After brainstorming my thoughts and feelings, I created a basic outline and moved forward with researching outside information.

My first step in research was searching the local library system. I was pleased to find so many applicable print sources available for my use. I read several of them cover to cover, taking notes on relevant information. The others I skimmed and used the index to cross-reference pertinent facts. I made use of internet searches to verify statistical information from print sources and find articles published by many of the experts referenced, continuing to take notes.

After completing my preliminary research, I read through my notes several times, tying similar topics together and planning the basis of my report and the order in which I will present information.

While attempting to be as objective as possible, I recognize that I have some bias when it comes to this topic. As a childhood victim, dealing with the harsh realities of having been sexually abused by a close family member, I have beliefs, feelings, and experiences that sway my opinion of perpetrators. The stage at which I find myself in the healing process does, however, lend itself toward objectivity and the ability to look at the facts rather than at my emotional response to them.

Results

Types of Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrators

When speaking of a person who sexually abuses children, most people use the term “pedophile.” Not all people who sexually abuse children, however, are pedophiles.

The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (better known as the DSM-IV), categorizes pedophilia as a paraphilia, which is characterized by recurrent and intense sexual urges and fantasies under deviant circumstances. While an ephebophile is attracted to pubescent and early adolescent children, pedophiles are attracted to prepubescent children (Rowan 3). The DSM-IV defines the criteria for pedophilia as follows:

1. The person, over a period of at least 6 months, has a recurrence of intense, sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behavior involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally age 13 years or younger).

2. The person acts on these urges, or they create distress or difficulty in his life.

3. The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child or children in Criterion A (Sax 28).

A pedophile is typically not deemed as such until he has been caught and convicted. These people can have either a permanent or temporary (for at least longer than six months) desire to have sex with children. There are several types of pedophiles.

First, the fixated pedophile. These people begin acting out at approximately age 13. At this point, the abuse is typically not thought of as criminal, but if it is caught, it provides the best chance for identification, testing, and treatment. Most fixated pedophiles think of children as their friends. They don’t see their actions as abuse, but rather a way of providing “special favors” and playing games. Most do not have adult sexual relationships, typically because of a fear of rejection. This person uses careful planning, victimizes more than one child, and purposefully places himself in a position where he has access to a lot of children.

Second, the regressed pedophile. Generally, these people live normal lives and develop at a normal rate. A year prior to the onset of pedophilia, they encounter something upsetting: a divorce, a job loss, death, etc. Typically their relationships are poor, they have no prior record and are well-thought of in the community. They like children and often have their own. They begin spending more time with children looking for comfort. They use their authority and power to threaten their victims. They are possessive, jealous, restrictive, and because of their intense fear of exposure, reinforces threats on a frequent basis. Regressed pedophiles begin with one victim but quickly expand.

Third, the undifferentiated pedophile. This type of pedophile cares only about their own sexual gratification, not who gives it to them. Typically they kidnap and hold hostage their victims. They have no gender or age preferences. The undifferentiated pedophile is sexually confused and a sexual misfit. Often their abuse includes torture and ends in the death of their victim (Mead and F-5).

In addition to the pedophile there is the opportunist. An opportunist is not necessarily a pedophile. They sexually abuse children, but also maintain interest in sex with partners of their own age. Generally there is not a fixation for children, and usually this type of abuser is an incest offender, abusing their own children. Often the abuse occurs only once (Sax 29-30).

Child Molesters are abusers who touch their victims sexually (usually fondling) but do not use penetration. This can occur over or under clothing. Flashing, showing a child pornography, or lewd dialogue are all types of molestation (Sax 30).

A stressed molester has no prior history of abuse and no clinical indication of re-offense. They abuse a victim once or twice in a short period of time. This abuse is based on extremes of stress rather than a real attraction to sex with a child (Mead and Westgate F-6).

The term predator is often applied to perpetrators. This is a term of numbers, not necessarily of behaviors. An offender is deemed a predator if they have offended multiple times with either one victim or with multiple victims (Sax 31).

Female Sex Offenders rarely act on their own. Most offended with a dominant male partner who instigated the abuse. Usually they suffered from significant emotional or intellectual impairment (Rowan 14). Of those who do abuse on their own, many use their own children in a non-threatening lover role for comfort, as a means of exploring their own naïve sexual curiosity, or prostituting their children for monetary gain (Mead and Westgate F-9-11).

Predisposition to Pedophilia or Sexual Abuse

Child sexual abuse occurs across all ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. There are no consistent physical or psychological traits among perpetrators. The only difference, it seems, is how each ethnic group responds to the abuse—not in its occurrence.

Generally speaking, most abusers have common personality traits. Many come from rigid religious backgrounds, suffer from depression, are isolated as children, have an inability to relate to adults, and may lack common social skills. They also have a history of inappropriate social behavior and believe themselves to be entitled to certain privileges. It is believed that most were abused themselves as children, physically, verbally, or sexually. Many also have poor impulse control, unusual arousal patterns, and an obsessive need for control. In some cases drugs and alcohol play a role (Sax 40, 45; Mead and Westgate F-5).

Many perpetrators appear to be the opposite of what we believe dangerous predators should look like. Because they are often friends, family members and neighbors, they are regular-looking people, probably well-liked and charismatic. They look and act nice, so we don’t suspect that they aren’t. In reality, this is a façade and a trap to attract children (Cooper and King 87).


Biologically, there are a few theorized traits: lower than expected intelligence, a tendency to be left-handed, increased prolactin levels within the brain, and an association with a temporal lobe disorder. There has not been enough research, however, to provide a definitive estimation. This would require neuroimaging studies of large populations (Rowan 82).

In one study done on homosexual men, it is suggested that birth order may play a role statistically in sexual preferences. There have been some analogical comparisons with sexual deviancy (pedophilia) based on the results of this study. In a phenomena called maternal immunoreactivity, maternal antibodies disrupt neurohormonal development crucial for sexual differentiation within the brain of a male fetus. If a woman has had multiple male children, the antibodies build up and increase with each pregnancy. It is said that if gender preference in sexual activity can be disrupted, why not age preference? Some other unrelated studies show that there is a preponderance of convicted male pedophiles with older brothers (Rowan 82).

Another association made has been the occurrence of reported head injuries prior to the age of thirteen. It is unknown if subtle brain damage as a result of these injuries may increase the risk of pedophilia (Rowan 83). Some believe there is a genetic or neurophysiologic predisposition, although this has not been proven (Rowan 5).

Characteristics of an Abuser

The vast majority of child sexual abusers target victims they know. Some reports say only 4-7% of abusers target strangers (Rowan 22). They not only have a preexisting relationship with the child, they also have access to them, authority over them and the trust of both the parent and the child. They tend to spend an unusual amount of time with children, even seeking jobs where they will be around them frequently. Often they will give suspicious presents or do favors for their targeted victims. Perpetrators can live anywhere, and there may even be one in your own family.

In a study performed at the University of New Hampshire in the 1980s, Drs. Araji and Finkelhor created a model to explain the dynamics of child sexual abuse. They came up with four elements that must be present for abuse to occur (Rowan 6).

One, sexual arousal. Sigmund Freud came up with the expression polymorphous perverse to describe the sexual urges we all have. These urges become associated with what is happening around us. In classic behavioral conditioning, events we experience paired with our urges can be interpreted as “turn-ons.” Given the right circumstances, anyone can be aroused by anyone or anything. Potentially, we all have “deviant arousal patterns,” but choose not to act on them (Rowan 3). Studies that monitor sexual arousal show that many adolescents and adults respond sexually to images of children as well as adults. The potential for sexual arousal when looking at a child is greater than we might imagine, but is only a problem when it leads to involvement with an unwilling participant. The primary interest of pedophiles is children. They do not respond to a broad range of stimuli like most “deviant” adults (whether they act upon the stimuli or not). To the pedophile, his arousal to children feels natural and they wonder how people can be aroused in any other way. They recognize that others do not approve but it does not influence their urges.

Two, emotional congruence. Most adults who are sexually attracted to children try to relate to them as equals. It is comforting and satisfying to them to act like a child. There are several explanations for this, including developmental delays, immaturity, chronic low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. It is easier for them to relate to children than to adults.

Three, blockage. The lack of a committed relationship with another adult, or one without a sexual relationship, is common with most pedophiles. Failure to establish a positive adult relationship may lead to seeking one with a child. Some abusers maintain sexual relationships with other adults for show while continuing to see sexual gratification from children.

Four, disinhibition. Basically, this means that the abuser’s desire to have sex with children is not controlled. There can be several reasons for this: cultural or family rules that do not prohibit such contact, lack of bonding with an infant (absent parent, step-parent, etc.), poor impulse control, mental illness, drug or alcohol intoxication, or acute stress situations (Rowan 7-8).

Patterns of Abuse

“Incest” is a term used to describe sexual abuse that occurs between family members. Dr. Edward Rowan, author of Understanding Child Sexual Abuse, prefers the term “intrafamilial sexual abuse.” He believes that the authority and trust that come with family relationships are more important factors than the biological relationship between victim and abuser (Rowan 12). The dynamics of sexual abuse within a family is just as varied as outside of a family setting. One important factor is the lack of a nurturing or protective bond. It is often the result of a controlling, dominating father figure who feels entitled. The sexual abuse of a child is often part of a larger cycle of abuse, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse of the mother and other siblings. Sometimes the child takes the place of a mother who is emotionally or physically unavailable to the father. Abusers often blame the child, pledge them to secrecy and use threats to enforce it (Rowan 12-13).

Most cases of incest begin between the ages of four and nine. Children at this age are more compliant and believe what is happening to them is a show of affection. They are more susceptible to threats or bribes. The abuser exploits their loyalty, their need for affection, their desire to please and their trust. It usually consists of fondling, oral sex, or anal penetration, as vaginal penetration is difficult prior to age 12. Incest abuse usually ends at age 14-15, when more force is required to maintain the victim’s compliance (Rowan 23).

Abuse occurring outside a family setting follows a typical pattern. The perpetrator places himself in a role where he can be close to the child: a coach, a club leader, a teacher, a member of a church. They typically choose a potential victim who is vulnerable or needy. They lull the child into a sense of ease, gaining their trust and the trust of the victim’s parent. This process is called “grooming.” With the parent’s trust, and in choosing a child that may be more prone to lying, they effectively set the stage for a child who reports the abuse to be disbelieved. They use everyday behavior to test the child’s likelihood of telling: a lingering touch on the arm, an “accidental” fondling, a kiss on the lips rather than the cheek. Based on the child’s reaction, the abuse will progress to more serious actions (Sax 40; Rowan 26; Briggs 67).

The abuse itself generally takes place somewhere the abuser has access—the opportunity to be with a child. It is also a private place, where there is a low chance of witnesses or discovery, often cars, homes, or locked rooms (Sax 42). Most serial predators are very careful and organized in the earlier years of their pedophilia. Later, they tend to lose patience and fail to plan. They become overconfident in their ability to “get away” with the crime, and their perversions become too powerful to control (Cooper and King 87).

As far as how many victims a perpetrator may have, statistical profiles are extremely unreliable. The number of convictions is not a good measure, as most go undetected and some are plea-bargained to a lesser, non-sexual crime. According to a study done in 1990 at the New Hampshire State Prison, the average number of victims incarcerated there for both incest and outside child sexual abuse perpetrators is twenty. Three percent had more than one hundred. One unique study performed by Dr. Gene Abel in 1985 of New York City men anonymously collected data about their crimes. While the truth of these claims is uncertain, the information indicated that heterosexual pedophiles (not incest perpetrators) averaged 120 “average or attempted molestations” while homosexual pedophiles averaged 205 victims (Rowan 27-28).

Treatment Provided

In 1985, Abel created a treatment plan at Columbia University designed for sex offenders. He provided five steps: correct cognitive distortions, provide sex education, promote social skills, decrease deviant arousal, and increase non-deviant arousal. While all treatment plans currently include these steps, they are not always in the same order and do not always have the same emphasis placed upon them (Rowan 57).


Offenders often see the world with different eyes and have distorted views. As a group, they avoid sexual encounters with adults because they are or for fear of appearing inadequate. They lack social skills and cannot deal with strong emotions like anger or the need for comfort appropriately. In treatment, their deviant arousal patterns are identified: stimuli, emotions, and circumstances that are associated with episodes of abuse. Here, steps are taken to extinguish it. These steps can potentially be punitive. The most difficult step of the process is to increase non-deviant arousal. Many pedophiles cannot change this, but can learn not to act on it (Rowan 57)

After being convicted, the majority of sex offenders are sentenced to time in a correctional facility. They are often on the lowest ring of prison hierarchy. Being in this position means that they are frequently abused themselves by other inmates. Participation in treatment is an incentive for early release, and is appealing (Rowan 59).

These treatment programs are long-term (at least several months) and occur in group settings, where they are most effective. Peer pressure and group interaction influences change. Most programs are selective. Requirements include a commitment to long-term treatment, adjustment within the institution, the absence of psychopathology, and an open admission that they recognize the severity of their problem and the truthfulness of the victim’s claims (Rowan 59).

Once admitted to the program, the patient signs a treatment contract, in which he agrees to abide by the rules and commits to changing his behavior. Failure to progress or infractions result in termination from the program. The patient completes a psychological history and testing. There are also two other types of tests performed.

The first is the polygraph test, often referred to as a “lie detector.” This test does not actually measure truth or lies, but rather the level of internal response under stress. In this case, it measures the response to the denial or admission of guilt and assessing the overall validity of the perpetrator’s history of offenses. The second test is called the penile plethysmograph, or the “phallometer.” This test measures penile tumescence through a strain gauge. The test measures the response to a range of visual and auditory stimuli, including slides of male, female, old, and young subjects. It also includes slides containing images of varying degrees of sexual force and seduction as well as images of consenting adults. Mixed into these slides are neutral controls, usually images of landscapes. While the results of this test can confirm or deny true objects of arousal, and serial testing can monitor progress, the results are not valid enough to use in a court proceeding (Rowan 60).

The first phase of treatment involves a group process. Here, the individual is brought to an awareness of why the offense occurred. They learn about the effects of their abuse, which is illustrated through videos, discussions, and confrontations from adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Sometimes other issues are addressed for offenders who were abused themselves, need help with their social skills, or require Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or Sex Addicts Anonymous. They also use books and workbooks. Depression and mood disturbances are addressed through various pharmaceuticals. Individual therapy occurs between a single patient and a therapist.

The second phase is a continuation of the first with the addition of specific group therapies: anger management, self-esteem development, stress management, and sex education. Individual work is done on arousal patterns. Patients often keep a “fantasy diary,” in which they monitor their thoughts. They learn behavior techniques to extinguish deviant fantasies. These include:

  • · Covert sensitization: the patient mentally pairs the deviant fantasy with an image of arrest or humiliation
  • · Aversive conditioning: the subject of the fantasy is paired with actual noxious stimulus. Rotten meat, ammonia, or electric shock are often used.
  • · Masturbation satiation: the patient is asked to masturbate quickly to completion. They are then asked to continue masturbating to the fantasy for 20 or 30 minutes. Due to the refractory period following an orgasm, masturbation with unresponsive genitalia is frustrating and extinguishes the power of the fantasy. This method is especially controversial, as in some cases it can backfire and reinforce the fantasy. Another method is asking the patient to replace the deviant fantasy with an appropriate one prior to masturbation. This is difficult to control because the patient may or may not choose to actually do so.

Family therapy is introduced during this phase. Families and spouses attend therapy to understand the offender’s dynamics, learn how to protect their children, and provide support during treatment.

During the third phase, treatment continues and patients take on more responsibility. They mentor new arrivals, lead self-help groups and place emphasis on healthy relationships and relapse prevention in individual therapy. At the conclusion of the program, the abuser should accept responsibility for their actions, be able to recite the cycle of feelings, thoughts and behaviors that precede offenses, control their urges and recognize the need for ongoing treatment (Rowan 60-64).

Potential Re-Offense

Is there a “cure” for pedophilia or a tendency to sexually abuse children? Most therapists say no (Sax 166). Treatment has a theoretical basis, and probably doesn’t work. The rate of re-offense is the same for those who are treated as it is for those who are not. 1 out of every 5 convicted sex offender re-offends. Some say that treatment may actually increase the risk, because it releases the offender into society sooner (Rowan 65). Recidivism is most associated with abusers who target male victims, younger children, have multiple and/or extrafamilial victims, use sadistic behavior, have pro-offending attitudes, and a lack of intimate relationships (Rowan 64). Sex offenders have a higher rate of recidivism than those convicted of any other offense. One extensive study done by the Department of Justice in 1994 showed that “compared to non-sex offenders released from State prisons, released sex offenders were four times more likely to be rearrested for a sex crime” (Sax 37).


Discussion

How do we apply this information in our families and communities? Several years ago, I came across an organization called “Darkness to Light.” This organization is dedicated to educating adults on the dangers of child sexual abuse and how to help prevent it. Their website contains a printable pamphlet and programs that can be used in our communities. I have shared this information with many people and have found it to be valuable and well-written. All of the information I have learned regarding the characteristics of pedophiles and child sexual abusers apply to this program. The steps are as follows:

1. Learn the Facts. Based on the statistics provided in the Introduction section of this report, it is highly likely that you know a child who is being or has been abused. Realities, not trust, should influence the decisions you make regarding your children. As my research has shown, the vast majority of potential threats come close from someone close to you: a clergy member, a scout leader, a swim coach, the next door neighbor, or the babysitter—even a cousin, sibling, parent, a spouse/significant other or your own child. Do not deny a potential threat, no matter how much you want to trust them.

In addition to learning the facts, research convicted sex offenders in your neighborhood. In 1994, seven-year-old Megan Nicole Kanka was lured into her neighbor’s home where she was sexually abused and murdered. Their neighbor had been convicted twice of child sexual assault. Following this incident, a law called “Megan’s Law” was passed in which every state is required to maintain a list of convicted sex offenders. It is intended to track offenders and keep the public informed. In spite of some controversy surrounding this registration, it has been determined in several court cases that the protection of children and prevention of future victims is more important than minor infringements upon an individual’s rights (Sax 37; Rowan 73). Frequently checking this registration and being aware of the very real threat can prevent abuse from occurring. Educate your family and neighbors of the threat, and print out the photo of the offender so he can be recognized easily.

2. Minimize Opportunity. Predators look for privacy and isolation. By eliminating situations in which one adult is alone with one child, you will be minimizing the opportunity for a potential abuse situation. This includes access older youth have to younger children. Group settings are always best. One-on-one time with a trusted adult can be positive and help build a child’s self-esteem. There are things we can do to keep these interactions positive and safe. Request that the activity take place in a setting where others can witness it. Get the specific plans for the outing from the adult, and discuss what happened with your child when they come home. Find a way to be direct with the adult and let them know that both you and your child are educated when it comes to sexual abuse.

3. Talk About It. Children often keep abuse a secret out of fear, guilt, and confusion. Predators threaten them, coerce them, and make them feel that they will be in trouble if they report the abuse. By breaking down communication barriers with your child, you will increase the likelihood that they will approach you. Teach your children about their bodies and how to protect it. Talk to them about potential threats in an age-appropriate way. Start early and continue discussing the subject with them. Be proactive. If something seems wrong, talk to your child about it. Cultivating an atmosphere in which your children can approach you to discuss any subject without fear of punishment provides better opportunity for disclosure of abuse. One survey showed that only 30% of parents talk to their kids about sexual abuse, and even then most failed to mention that a potential abuser may be a friend or family member. Talk to other adults about child sexual abuse. In doing this, you are raising awareness in your community and putting potential abusers on alert.

4. Stay Alert. Don’t expect obvious signs that abuse is occurring. Often signs are there, but they are difficult to identify. Physical signs are not common, while behavioral changes are. Some children do not exhibit signs. Contacting a local children’s advocacy center can help you identify indications that abuse has occurred.

5. Make A Plan. If abuse does occur, learn where to go and how to act. Don’t overreact, and stay calm. Offer support to the child and never tell them that you don’t believe them. Always act on the assumption that the child is telling the truth. There are two agencies you can contact: local law enforcement or Child Protective Services. (In some states, including Utah, it is the Division of Child and Family Services).

6. Act on Suspicions. By acting on suspicions of abuse, you are not only helping that child but possibly protecting countless others. Trust your instincts and don’t allow fear to stop you. If you don’t know where to go, contact a child abuse hotline, children’s advocacy center, local rape crisis center or other local community agencies.

7. Get Involved. Be active in promoting awareness and prevention in your community. Education is the key to preventing abuse. Being aware that a potential threat can come from anyone, when are where it is likely to occur and to whom, you are in a position of power. Teaching others these facts will benefit our community. Support anti-child abuse legislature. Get involved by donating to or volunteering at local crisis centers and advocacy groups.


Conclusions

Sex offenders are a very real, very dangerous threat. They are a part of every class of people, ethnic and cultural group, and organization. Understanding the psychology and behavioral patterns of child sexual predators provides us with a basis of knowledge that can aid in preventing further incidents of abuse.

Abusers are usually depicted as scary people but often appear as the opposite. These men and women are charming, personable, and know how to gain your trust and access to your children. By being aware of who is around you child, where they are and teaching them how to respond in these situations, it is possible to eliminate potential threatening situations. Since all potential situations for abuse cannot be avoided, understanding the threats perpetrators use can help you speak to your child and take appropriate actions if abuse has occurred.



Works Cited

Abel, Gene, et. al. “Self-Reported Sex Crimes of Nonincarcerated Paraphiliacs.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence. Sage Publications, 1987. Web. 28 June 2011.

Abel, Gene, et. al. “The Nature and Extent of Sexual Assault.” APA PsycNet. American Psychological Association, 1990. Web. 28 June 2011.

Administration for Children and Families. “Perpetrators by Relationship to Victims and Selected Types of Maltreatment.” U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2004. Web. 28 June 2011.

Briggs, Steven. Criminology for Dummies. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley Publishing, Inc., 2009. Print.

Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Long-Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect.” U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2008. Web. 28 June 2011.

Cooper, Gregory M. and Michael R. King. Predators: Who They Are and How to Stop Them. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2007. Print.

Darkness to Light. “7 Steps to Protecting Our Children.” Darkness to Light: End Child Sexual Abuse. Darkness to Light, N.d. Web. 28 June 2011.

Gerdes, Louise, ed. Child Abuse: Opposing Viewpoints. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2003. Print.

Hammel-Zabin, Amy. Conversations With a Pedophile: In the Interest of Our Children. Fort Lee, NJ: Barricade Books, Inc., 2003. Print.

Mead, James J. and David L. Westgate. Investigating Child Abuse. Fullerton, CA: R.C. Law & Co., 1992. Print.

Rowan, Edward L. Understanding Child Sexual Abuse. Jackson, MS: University Press of Mississippi, 2006. Print.

Salter, Anna C. Predators, Pedophiles, Rapists and Other Sex Offenders: Who They Are, How They Operate, and How We Can Protect Ourselves and Our Children. New York, NY: Basic Books, 2003. Print.

Schwartz-Kenny, Beth, Michelle McCauley, and Michelle A. Epstein, eds. Child Abuse: A Global View. Westport, CT: Greenwood Press, 2001. Print.

Sax, Robin. Predators and Child Molesters: What Every Parent Needs to Know to Keep Kids Safe. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2009. Print.

Appendix

Amber Alert Registry

Registering your child with the Amber Alert Registry can assist law enforcement in the event that your child goes missing.

www.amberalertregistry.org

Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline

Childhelp USA is a nonprofit organization dedicated to meeting the needs of abused children. Its services include this hotline, where children and parents can call with anonymity and confidentiality.

1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Darkness To Light

Website dedicated to educating communities about preventing child sexual abuse.

http://www.d2l.org/

National Children’s Alliance

Call the Children’s Advocacy Center nearest you for a referral to a local support group or therapist specializing in child sexual abuse. All calls are confidential and callers can remain anonymous.

1-800-239-9950

info@nca-online.org

National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline

This is a 24-hours-a-day confidential hotline staffed by trained volunteers who connect victims to local emergency help and provide information and referrals for nonemergency serves including counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.

1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN)

RAINN has an automated service that links callers to the nearest rape crisis center. All calls are confidential and callers can remain anonymous.

1-800-656-4673

www.rainn.org

Sunday, April 3, 2011

April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month


Dear Friends and Family,

April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month.

Child abuse awareness and prevention is a cause that is very dear to me. I am asking now for your help in preventing abuse. The easiest way to do that is to raise awareness. By choosing to wear a blue ribbon, you are choosing to take a stand against the hurt that so many children are forced to suffer.

Who knows? By wearing a ribbon, you may be preventing the hurt a child may endure. Someone will ask you the purpose of the ribbon, and by sharing a piece of knowledge you may inspire something wonderful. A parent, about to verbally or physically lash out at a child, will remember the ribbon and stop to think. A neighbor or friend, suspecting a case of abuse, may decide to interfere—perhaps saving a life.

So what happens if someone asks you about your ribbon? Share a piece of knowledge. A fact. A simple way for us to prevent abuse to an innocent child.

The following information regarding childhood sexual abuse is published by the organization Darkness to Light (darkness2light.org). I would ask you to take the time to look over the information. Put it into practice. Memorize a few key facts to share with those around you. By talking about it, we can prevent it, spread awareness, and begin to eliminate abuse. Forward this email to everyone you know--tell the world you are taking a stand and invite others to join you.

7 Steps to Protecting Our Children

Step 1
Learn the facts and understand the risks.
Realities – not trust – should influence your decisions regarding children.


It is highly likely that you know a child who has been or is being abused.
Experts estimate that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthdays. This means that in any classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are children who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse.
1 in 5 children are sexually solicited while on the Internet.
Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
The median age for reported sexual abuse is 9 years old.
Approximately 20% of the victims of sexual abuse are under age eight.
50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are under age twelve.
Most child victims never report the abuse.
Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems, often lasting into adulthood.

It is also likely that you know an abuser.
The greatest risk to children doesn’t come from strangers but from friends and family.
30-40% of children are abused by family members.
As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts—abusers frequently try to
form a trusting relationship with parents.
Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children.
People who abuse children look and act just like everyone else. In fact, they often go out of their way to appear trustworthy to gain access to children.
Those who sexually abuse children are drawn to settings where they can gain easy access to children, such as sports leagues, faith centers, clubs, and schools. Consequences to children and to our society begin immediately. Child sexual abuse is a direct source of a number of problems facing us.
70-80% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use.
One study showed that among male survivors, 50% have suicidal thoughts and more than 20% attempt suicide.
Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.
More than 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape. The average age of the offenders is 27 years old.
Approximately 40% of sex offenders report sexual abuse as children.
Both males and females who have been sexually abused are more likely to engage in prostitution.
Approximately 70% of sexual offenders of children have between 1 and 9 victims; 20-25% have 10 to 40 victims.
Serial child molesters may have as many as 400 victims in their lifetimes.

Step 2
Minimize opportunity.
If you eliminate or reduce one-adult/one-child situations, you’ll dramatically lower the risk of sexual abuse for children.
More than 80% of sexual abuse cases occur in one-adult/one-child situations.

Reduce the risk. Protect children.
Understand that abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.
Think carefully about the safety of any one-adult/one-child situations. Choose group situations when possible.
Think carefully about the safety of situations in which older youth have access to younger children. Make sure that multiple adults are present who can supervise.
Set an example by personally avoiding one-adult/one-child situations with children other than your own.
Monitor children’s Internet use. Offenders use the Internet to lure children into physical contact.
Create and lobby for policies reducing or eliminating one-adult/one-child situations in all youth-serving organizations, such as faith groups, sports teams, and school clubs. These policies should ensure that all activities can be interrupted and observed.
Talk with program administrators about the supervision of older youth who have responsibility for the care of children.
Insist on screenings that include criminal background checks, personal interviews, and professional recommendations for all adults who serve children. Avoid programs that do not use ALL of these methods.
Insist that youth-serving organizations train their staff and volunteers to prevent, recognize, and react responsibly to child sexual abuse.
Ensure that youth-serving organizations have policies for dealing with suspicious situations
and reports of abuse.

One-on-one time with a trusted adult is healthy and valuable for a child. It builds self-esteem and deepens relationships. There are things you can do to protect children when you want them to have time alone with another adult.
Drop in unexpectedly when the child is alone with any adult, even trusted family members.
Make sure outings are observable, if not by you, then by others.
Ask the adult about the specifics of the planned activities before the child leaves your care. Notice the adult’s ability to be specific.
Talk with the child when he or she returns. Notice the child’s mood and whether the child can tell you with confidence how the time was spent.
Find a way to tell the adults who care for children that you and the child are educated about child sexual abuse. Be that direct.

Step 3
Talk about it.
Children often keep abuse a secret, but barriers can be broken down by talking openly about it.

Understand why children are afraid to “tell.”
The abuser shames the child, points out that the child let it happen, or tells the child that his or her parents will be angry.
The abuser is often manipulative and may try to confuse the child about what is right and wrong.
The abuser sometimes threatens the child or a family member.
Some children who do not initially disclose abuse are ashamed to tell when it happens again.
Children are afraid of disappointing their parents and disrupting the family.
Some children are too young to understand.
Many abusers tell children the abuse is “okay” or a “game.”

Know how children communicate.
Children who disclose sexual abuse often tell a trusted adult other than a parent. For this reason, training for people who work with children is especially important.
Children may tell “parts” of what happened or pretend it happened to someone else to gauge adult reaction.
Children will often “shut down” and refuse to tell more if you respond emotionally or negatively.

Talk openly with children.
Good communication may decrease a child’s vulnerability to sexual abuse and increase the likelihood that the child will tell you if abuse has occurred.
Teach your children about their bodies, about what abuse is, and, when age-appropriate, about sex. Teach them words that help them discuss sex comfortably with you.
Model caring for your own body, and teach children how to care for theirs.
Teach children that it is “against the rules” for adults to act in a sexual way with them and use examples. Teach them what parts of their bodies others should not touch.
Be sure to mention that the abuser might be an adult friend, family member, or older youth.
Teach children not to give out their email addresses, home addresses, or phone numbers while using the Internet.
Start early and talk often. Use everyday opportunities to talk about sexual abuse.
Be proactive. If a child seems uncomfortable, or resistant to being with a particular adult, ask why.
Teach children that it is your responsibility to protect them from sexual abuse.
Teach children you can only protect them if they tell you when something is wrong.
Listen quietly. Children have a hard time telling parents about troubling events.

Talk to other adults about child sexual abuse.
Support and mutual learning occur when you share with another adult.
You raise the consciousness of your community and influence their choices about child safety.
You may be offering support and information to an adult whose child is experiencing abuse, and may not know what to do.
You put potential abusers on notice that you are paying attention.

Step 4
Stay alert.
Don’t expect obvious signs when a child is being sexually abused. Signs are often there but you’ve got to spot them.
Learn the signs.
Physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, although redness, rashes or swelling in the genital area, urinary tract infections, or other such symptoms should be carefully investigated. Also, physical problems associated with anxiety, such as chronic stomach pain or headaches, may occur.
Emotional or behavioral signals are more common. These can run from “too perfect” behavior, to withdrawal and depression, to unexplained anger and rebellion.
Sexual behavior and language that are not age-appropriate can be a red flag.
Be aware that in some children there are no signs whatsoever.

If you find physical signs that you suspect are sexual abuse, have the child physically examined immediately by a professional who specializes in child sexual abuse.
A children’s advocacy center can guide you. To find a center near you, call 1-800-239-9950.
The opportunity to convict a child molester may depend on evidence from an examination.

Step 5
Make a plan.
Learn where to go, whom to call, and how to react.
Don’t overreact.

If a child breaks an arm or runs a high fever, you know to stay calm and where to seek help because you’ve mentally prepared yourself. Reacting to child sexual abuse is the same. Your reactions have a powerful influence on vulnerable children.

When you react to disclosure with anger or disbelief, the response is often:
The child shuts down.
The child changes his or her story in the face of your anger and disbelief, when, in fact, abuse is actually occurring.
The child changes the account around your questions so future tellings appear to be “coached.” This can be very harmful if the case goes to court.
The child feels even guiltier.
Very few reported incidents are false.
Offer support.

Think through your response before you suspect abuse. You’ll be able to respond in a more supportive manner.
Believe the child and make sure the child knows it.
Thank the child for telling you and praise the child’s courage.
Encourage the child to talk but don’t ask leading questions about details. Asking about details can alter the child’s memory of events. If you must ask questions to keep the child talking, ask open-ended ones like “what happened next?”
Seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse. Professional guidance could be critical to the child’s healing and to any criminal prosecution.
Assure the child that it’s your responsibility to protect him or her and that you’ll do all you can.
Report or take action in all cases of suspected abuse, both inside and outside the immediate family.
Don’t panic. Sexually abused children who receive support and psychological help can and do heal.

Child sexual abuse is a crime.
Know the legal requirements for reporting:
All 50 states require that professionals who work with children report reasonable suspicions of child abuse. Some states require that anyone with suspicions report it. Information about each state’s requirements is available at the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect.
If you are a professional who works with children, (e.g., a teacher, a nurse) there are special procedures and reporting requirements you must follow. Your employer should provide mandated reporting training.

Step 6
Act on suspicions.
The future well being of a child is at stake.
By acting on suspicions of child sexual abuse, you will save not only one child, but perhaps countless others. Many of those who sexually abuse children have multiple victims.
You may be faced with a situation where you suspect abuse but don’t have any proof. Suspicions are scary, but trust your instincts. Have the courage to report the suspected abuse.

What if I’m not sure?
Where do I go?
Child Abuse Helplines have staff specifically trained to deal with questions about suspected child sexual abuse. Call Darkness to Light’s helpline, 1-866-FOR-LIGHT to be routed to resources in your community, or call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
Children’s Advocacy Centers coordinate all the professionals (legal, social services, medical) involved in a case. If you’re unsure about whether to make an official report or just need support, contact a children’s advocacy center. The staff will help you evaluate your suspicions and your next steps. To find a center near you, contact The National Children’s Alliance at www.nca-online.org or 1-800-239-9950.
Local Community Agencies, such as local hotlines, United Way offices, or rape crisis centers can often help.
Talk to the child’s parents (as long as they are not the abusers) and provide educational materials, such as this booklet. If the parents seem indifferent or unlikely to take action, call one of the recommended sources.

Know the agencies that handle reports of abuse.
Two agencies handle most reports of child abuse.
Child Protective Services (in some states this agency has a different name)
Law Enforcement: Some states designate Child Protective Services as the agency that accepts reports of suspected child abuse. Others designate law enforcement. Some do not designate or designate both. Many states have tollfree lines that accept reports of abuse from the entire state. To find out where to make a report in your state, identify the Child Abuse Reporting Numbers at The National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect website, http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/topics/reporting/guidelines.cfm.
If the legal system does not provide adequate protection for a child, visit the National Center for Victims of Crime at www.ncvc.org or call 1-800-FYI-CALL for referral information.

These resources can help you if you are unsure of whether abuse has occurred, but they do not substitute for making an official report. Remember that you may be a mandated reporter in your state and you may be the only source of protection for that child.

Step 7
Get involved.
Volunteer and financially support organization that fight the tragedy of child sexual abuse.
Get involved by donating your time and resources to support organizations such as these:
Prevention programs
Children’s advocacy centers
Crisis information and referral services
Rape crisis centers

Use your voice and your vote to make your community a safer place for children.
Ask that schools and organizations in your community have child sexual abuse prevention policies, and help with their creation. Ask other adults to do the same.
Bring Darkness to Light’s Stewards of Children prevention program to your community.
www.darkness2light.org.
Support legislation that protects children. Visit www.darkness2light.org for legislative information.
Demand that the government put more resources into protecting children from sexual abuse and into responding to reports of sexual abuse.
Call and write your members of Congress.
Write letters to your newspaper.

BREAK THE CYCLE OF SILENCE.

There are 39 million survivors of child sexual abuse in America today.
Let the healing and the prevention begin today.

Will you join with me in the fight against child abuse? Will you commit to wearing a ribbon during the month of April, and invite your friends and family to do the same? Together we can make a huge difference.

Thank you for your support!

Sincerely,

cornnut32

If you or someone you know is a victim of child abuse, there is hope. Contact Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD and get the help you need to begin healing.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

a chapter closing


it has been nearly four months since my last post. it's not because nothing has been going on, but rather because i haven't known what to say. the culmination of the last four months--and, in fact, the past twelve years--came just last week. i confronted my abuser in person and forgave him.

i have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have been doing EMDR with her. this has had an amazing effect on me. the nightmares stopped. the flashbacks stopped. thinking about my past and the abuse no longer gave me panic attacks, caused fear or anger. i was able to let the anger toward him go. i have been much happier and much less volatile.

i have also been put on hormone therapy, which has helped immensely. i don't have such drastic mood swings and my depression has been better overall. i have had more energy and don't lose control of my emotions nearly as often.

i have had little to no contact with my parents. this has been extremely difficult for me but i believe it has been for the best. i have separated myself from the dysfunction of our realtionship. i still want so badly to try to repair the relationship but in spite of my willingness to do so, my parents have all but refused to alter their method of communication and won't listen to my feelings. i don't know how much longer this will last. i still feel ostracized and cut out of the family. part of this is my doing, i know--but to be frankly honest i felt that way even when i was communicating with them on a regular basis.

approximately two months ago i was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. she has been sick for quite some time; several years, in fact. when i arrived i found my uncle (my abuser) was there. this was the first time i had encountered him since i had done the EMDR work with my therapist. when i saw him, and knew he was there, i was able to remain calm and relatively unaffected by the situation. i left the hospital feeling happier than i had in a long time, proud of myself for my progress and relief at the fact that the fear and anxiety were no longer attached to his memory or presence.

just over a week ago our family had a devastating blow...my grandmother passed away. i have been struggling so much with her death. yesterday is the first day i have not cried since her passing...and even then i had to fight the tears. i cannot go into any more detail than this because i am sure i will lose it again. i was very close to her and i am sure it will take a long time for me to recover from the loss, to lose the ache in my chest every time i think of her.

last friday night was her viewing. i spent all week in agony, anticipating the viewing and funeral. i was so anxious, i didn't think i would be able to handle it. once there i did better than i had expected. i cried--a lot--but i didn't go into hysterics. of course my uncle was there, standing with my dad and his siblings and my grandfather, next to the casket. i avoided him through much of the viewing. but just before we left, i gathered the courage to talk to him for the first time since i was thirteen.

i felt safe knowing that i was surrounded by many people who loved me. my husband was there. he has been so strong for me, so supportive of me. i knew my grandmother would be proud of me. so i did it.

i told him that i forgave him. i told him that i would never be okay, that i would always struggle. i told him it had taken me a very long time to get to this point, but i had finally been able to forgive him.

he tried to touch my arm and i stepped back. he apologized and stepped back from me as well. he told me he was very sorry for what he did. he said that he had been through a lot of counseling, and that the therapy had helped him fix his life. he said that he tried to convey to me how sorry he was through my parents and others. he apologized to me probably five times. he thanked me for speaking to him. i told him thank you for the apology and i shook his hand. then i walked away.

through this entire interaction, which lasted five minutes at the most, i had nothing worse than butterflies in my stomach. afterward i was amazed at the way i was able to maintain my calm. i didn't feel threatened or afraid. it was an impromptu confrontation but i am very glad that i did it. i left the viewing with a mixture of devastation for the loss of my grandmother and euphoria for my ability to confront my uncle.

the next day at the funeral i did not look at him or speak to him, and he still stayed away from me. but knowing that i was finally strong enough to be in the same room as he without being affected was a huge relief.

my interaction with my parents over the course of the last week--at the hospital the day my grandmother passed, in several phone calls with my dad, at the viewing and at the funeral--were overall positive. i maintained some distance for my own emotional well-being (i had enough to deal with) but was able to hug them and cry with them. i believe they enjoyed interacting with my children. i am hopeful that things will eventually be able to change between us--but as of yet i am not holding my breath. i love my parents dearly but i need to hold on to my new found strength, to continue to stand up for myself and my well-being, to maintain emotional stability.

this journey from abuse to healing has taken me much of my life. i have an odd sense of pride in myself, of freedom. this is a very unusual feeling for me. self-loathing, anger and fear have been my constant companions for as long as i can remember. i still have a long way to go as far as my self-esteem is concerned, and as my communication with others goes, but i believe i am on my way. this blog has been a large part of my healing. the ability to share my feelings and thoughts, to connect to others who have been through what i have, to learn from and help other abuse victims has been empowering. i don't know if i will be posting here again. perhaps i will, but this chapter of my life is closing.

the image of the swallow is one that i drew. traditionally, sailors would have swallows tattooed on their bodies to represent their experience sailing--the number of miles they had traveled on the ocean. (one swallow for every 5,000 nautical miles.) it also represented hope for returning home, to safety, as birds are one of the first signs of land and a safe harbor. legend has it that if a sailor drowned at sea, the bird would alight upon his soul and carry it safely to heaven. swallows are also a symbol of freedom, loyalty and love.

this swallow is just that to me--a symbol of freedom, of hope, of a safe return. i am free from the chains of my abuse. i have hope for a better future. i have safely returned from the stormy waters of recovery. it is a symbol of healing, of love and support and loyalty from and for my family.

i wish all of you the same peace, recovery and happiness that i am beginning to find.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

happy thanksgiving

i hope you all have a great thanksgiving full of lots of laughter, love, and yummy food!

this year i am so incredibly grateful for my family--my supportive husband and beautiful children. i would be nothing without them.

i am grateful for a home to live in, food to eat, a car to drive, clothing to wear, heat, indoor plumbing, electricity and all of the little things that i usually take for granted.

i am thankful for my friends.

i am thankful for medical care, therapy and medication that is slowly putting my life back in order.

i am thankful for pretty flowers, christmas lights, good smelling candles, fires in our fireplace, the sound of laughter and my piano. i am thankful for the ability to see, hear, taste, touch and feel. i am thankful for the sunlight, good books to read and the many wonders of my iphone. i am thankful for HD TV, cable, the radio, and the library.

most of all, i am thankful for my hubby's hard work, integrity and love for me and our children. i am thankful for the smiles, kisses, and "i love you"s that i get from my babies.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

turn it off...please!

i wish i had an on/off switch for my emotions. i think life would be so much easier. unfortunately i am one of those people who tends to be ruled by emotions (much to the frustration of my husband.)

last night was a hard night. yesterday a hard day. i have been doing pretty well at sticking to my guns when it comes to my interactions with my parents--until yesterday morning. my youngest sister (of whom i am SO proud) had her volleyball banquet last night. at the banquet she signed her contract for a scholarship to play volleyball at one of the best universities in the nation--a PAC-10 university. my mom called me to tell me about it and the first thing she said to me in the voicemail (since i don't answer the phone from her anymore, for this reason) was a very sarcastic "it sure would be nice to talk to you, cornnut." proceeded by a message detailing that the signing was to be that night and i needed to call her back RIGHT AWAY if i wanted to be on the banquet list.

seeing as i was scheduled to work i originally told her no, and that i didn't appreciate her tone of voice via text. i then was able to arrange someone to cover my shift so i called her to tell her that i would be attending. what i got (of course) was her voice raised, an extremely rude and accusatory tone of voice, and she hung up on me--twice. an argument over the way she speaks to me, and she still was rude. (i later found out she thought i was upset about the short notice because i had said it would be nice to have prior notice, which she did not have, so how could i blame her for that? it would have been nice to have, that's all. and she thinks I take things personally. well that's not what i was upset about, i assure you.) i tried very hard to keep my cool but ended up losing it, as i usually do when emotions are high. after inviting me she told me i was no longer invited because i would "cause a scene." (of the two of us, she is much more likely to cause a scene.) i told her it was my sister's decision to make, not hers, so i called my sister and asked her if she'd like me to attend or not in a voicemail. all this happened at 9 am.

by 3:30 pm i still hadn't heard from my sister. i called her and was able to speak to her. she told me she would like me to come but it was my decision. so i attended. my mother did not speak to me, and i did not speak to her. my father spoke to me briefly, to tell me they had paid for dinner for me (although my mother had previously told me they would not pay for dinner for me because of my attitude) and there was a spot at their table. i refused to sit with them on the grounds of the argument i'd had with my mom, the fact that i was barely keeping back tears, and i did not want to ruin my sister's night. so i chose to sit in the back corner in the dark by myself. i told my dad thank you, i appreciated it, but no.

so throughout the evening i faced the consequences of my choices. i was alone, separated from my entire family while they sat together and ate and laughed and enjoyed the evening. at one point my youngest sister brought me a plate of food which was extremely kind of her. i sat through the program and awards and cried, i was so proud of my sister, and so sad i wasn't part of it. they read off a list of her awards and accomplishments. it was a pretty long list, seeing as she is one of the best high school players in the nation, has been to nationals (and took bronze), and more. the awards she won on her team included "most likely to have her jersey retired from the high school," as well as statistical awards including "most digs," "most kills," "most blocks," and "most aces." the only statistical award she didn't place first in was "most assists" and that's because she's not a setter. the team also voter her as the winner of "the rock" award which essential means she is the rock of the team, the one they all rely on.

after the program ended and she officially became a college player, i left immediately. i gave her a hug and told her i was proud of her and hightailed it out of there...where i cried nearly the whole way home (about half an hour) and cried myself to sleep.

i feel like i am finally standing up for myself, i am no longer putting up with the manipulation and emotional abuse i receive from my mother. the result is being separated from my family--more so than i ever was. as a kid i was the one who fought back and the result was being separated. as an adult i fought back, same thing--and it is always my fault, my problem, my issue, they never make mistakes or do anything wrong, they have zero responsibility in it. all i've asked for is acknowledgment of their mistakes and validation of my feelings. instead i get anger and even more blame. how frustrating and even humiliating.

i'm so sick of the drama i can't even begin to tell you. but this time i'm not backing down. i've told them it is their choice. their choice to validate me, or their choice for me to stay away. obviously they have made their choice, and i have made mine, and now we all have to live with the consequences.

and if anyone is going to leave comments defending my parents, don't bother. i don't want to hear it. the fact is they are masters of manipulation and are really great at twisting reality.