may blog carnival against child abuse

the new blog carnival against child abuse is up! i don't have a submission for this month but there are some great ones to read. this month's theme is in harmony with memorial day---remembering the veterans of child abuse. check it out over at survivors can thrive.

i think i'm famous

so check this out. remember that guest post i had over at mormon mommy blogs? well turns out my post was mention in a salt lake city, utah area online newspaper. this site is called the mormon times, a part of the deseret news, and they have a weekday feature called "today in the bloggernacle." the writer, emily jensen, peruses lds themed blogs for the best posts.

here is what she had to say about my post:

16-year-old self: If you could write a letter to your 16-year-old self, what would you say? Maybe you would tell yourself to not worry as much and explain what really matters. That's the point of this imaginative blog post that begins "Dear 16...". She gives her 16-year-old self (and probably her contemporary self) 15 reminders such as "Write in your journals," and "Don't bother with putting on your makeup every day" and especially "Stay close to God." Click to read all the funny and/or touching points of perspective.

wow. freaking awesome. :)

dream on

so this morning i woke up at 6 am. couldn't sleep any longer. last night i didn't fall asleep until around midnight---also couldn't sleep. good grief.

i had the weirdest/kinda cool dream just before i woke up last night. hubby and i were rich (woohoo! love those dreams!) so i decided to head on over to the mall and have myself a little bit of fun. i had my makeup done, got some new clothes, and moseyed over to the salon. where i cut my hair and bleached it, then had those awesome fake acrylic nails done on my hands and feet. the coolest part? the tips were black and had these little bats all over them. freaky i know but i thought it was cool.

so....subconscious telling me i need a change? i think so. and let me tell you i'd love a change involving hair/nails/makeup/clothes. i love those stupid acrylic nails, they make my hands look so pretty. :)

why can't i have cool dreams like that every night instead of nightmares?

...(good?) morning

i'm in a really bad mood today.

yesterday i was really sick, some kind of flu. i'm still not feeling great today but at least i'm capable of getting out of bed. being sick puts a lot of strain on my family and i hate that. hubby came home from work to take care of little buddy, which is really hard on him. i feel really guilty about it. i spent most of the day yesterday sleeping and spiraling down in a well of self-pity because i feel like a terrible wife for putting so much on hubby and a terrible mother for not being able to take care of my son. i guess it wouldn't be so bad if i weren't sick so often. with this pregnancy i've been sick a lot. i went to bed in tears and woke up pretty much the same way.

i had terrible nightmares last night. when i wake up in the middle of the night they don't go away. the shadows are full of my nightmares. in the 20 steps from my bed to the bathroom i have panic attacks, waiting for something to jump out at me. i hear them in my head and then have a hard time falling back asleep. i'm not afraid of the dark, really. it's just those nights that the terror comes alive in my head i can't deal with it. i end up huddled under my covers praying that it will just go away. i have these images of violence, anger, death, suicide in my head that just don't want to leave.

lately i've been having weird dreams about my abuser. not necessarily nightmares, which is the weird thing. but dreams about being around him as if nothing happened. that disturbs me as much as the nightmares do, though. how could i possibly go on normally around him, as if nothing ever happened? i know i did it for years, before my parents found out about the abuse, but the thought of carrying on a conversation with him now makes me sick to my stomach. his face pops into my head at random moments. although it doesn't create the panic it used to it is still hard to deal with.

i'm tired of feeling like i have to defend myself constantly, to everyone...even myself. it's like a part of me just can't believe that i'm that bad of a person, while the majority of my insides tell me over and over again how incompetent i am, how incapable of a wife and mother i am, and how i just disappoint everyone. that no matter what i do it just isn't good enough.

i decided to make french toast this morning for little buddy, since i wasn't too involved yesterday. first thing i did was start a fire on my stove. something had spilled on the burner which promptly caught fire. (not a bad one, i promise.) so i moved the pan to a different burner, where i proceeded to burn three pieces of french toast. got a new pan and started over. burned two more pieces. by this time the house was full of smoke and smelled awful. finally got three decent-looking pieces. little buddy got his, liked it, thank goodness, then i ate mine. burnt on the outside and total goo on the inside. i ended up throwing half of it away. what a great start to the day.

i'm sorry if this seems disjointed. i know i complain a lot, i've been told that i do. i just needed to get it out....get it out somewhere that i don't have to look someone in the face while i'm talking, where i don't have to hear a response. i just needed to release a little of the pain i've got pent up inside of me right now. so thanks for letting me purge this.

dear 16...

hey, everyone go check out my guest post at mormon mommy blogs! i'm excited it's finally up!

projects, projects

damn migraine back today. it started last night and was really bad, luckily it has eased a bit today. i was feeling well enough to finally tackle my kitchen floor which was totally disgusting. also cleaned the bathroom, did some dishes, washed some large mirrored closet doors. that's enough for me now, though, i'm pooped.

can you believe i'm officially 21 weeks along today? i'm feeling the baby move lots more recently. it's still kind of surreal, even with the way my tummy is expanding so quickly.

i've started working on a blanket for the new baby. i made one for little buddy, and i wanted this baby to have one too. i did a stamped cross stitch crib cover. it took me just over 100 hours to finish little buddy's, and i think the new baby's will take longer. it is a little more complicated. i hope these blankets are something that they can keep forever as a reminder of how much i love them--a lot of time, work, and love went into them.

this is what little buddy's looks like:

and this is what the new baby's will look like once i finish it:

i put a flannel back on little buddy's and i will on this one, too. it's going to be cute when it's finished. these pictures are from the manufacturer's website, i don't have pics of little buddy's on this computer. once i get the princess blanket finished i'll post pics of the two of them.

......i hate fish.

came downstairs this morning to find my third and final betta dead in its bowl.

i hate fish.

i'm so depressed.

ouch

i haven't been around much the past few days because i've got a monster migraine. drugs won't touch it. been trying to sleep. hubby took a day and a half off work, yesterday my sister came to help me, and today i had a friend to help. i'm feeling better today, was last night, but now i think my headache is coming back. taking more meds now and hoping that it goes away. bury my head under a pillow to shut out the light, curse the neighbors for thumping the bass on their car stereo, thank god little buddy is taking a nap (he needed it, trust me) and pray for relief.

i think migraines are a slow descent into hell.

RIP apollo

fish number two died today....i sat and watched the poor thing take his last breath. :(

we are on fish number three. if this fish dies, i'm done with fish. i'll stick to animals that don't die as easily, like my cat. and my dog.

goodbye, poor fish apollo, i hope you have a good time in fishy heaven with thor.

we named this fish ares. hopefully he's feisty like the god of war and won't give in without a major fight.

are baby showers socially acceptable?

a little while ago i joined a local mommies network that has a forum and does playdates and other events. i've posted quite a bit over the last month or so, and we've attended a couple activities. yesterday a lady on the forum brought me some baby girl clothes since by way of girl stuff....we've got pretty much nothing. i know we still have 20 weeks until my due date but i'd rather start collecting what we can now rather than be in crunch time and have to worry about coming up with clothes and such at the last minute. (so anyone who has baby girl clothes they'd be willing to donate, i'd love to take them off your hands---we're really strapped financially so we can't afford to buy stuff!)

a few people have mentioned having a baby shower, since this one is a girl. but i've always been under the impression that baby showers are for your first baby...and any kids you have after that, no showers. i'm not in any way expecting a shower because of what i thought was the "social norm" of showers for one baby only. i don't know how i feel about it....would it be weird/awkward/wrong to have another shower and invite the same people to it? especially family members that are of an older generation? my son is only a little over a year old, so it wasn't too long ago that i had my first shower.

so what do you think? would it be socially acceptable to have one? would it make me look greedy? (i really don't want to look greedy.) did any of you have showers for subsequent kids? i would feel bad asking for a shower, but if someone offered to give me one? what do you think?

A Willingness to Learn From Pain

The following quote is from Anne Morrow Lindbergh, the wife of pilot Charles Lindbergh. Their baby was kidnapped, which eventually resulted in the child's death. In looking back on her life, Mrs. Lindbergh wrote:

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." (Time, 5 Feb. 1973)

Alma and Amulek had the power to bring down punishment upon the wicked men who killed the believers of the word of God. But Alma would not use his power in that manner. He explained that God permits the righteous to suffer for a purpose. (See Alma 14:11)

Spencer W. Kimball said:

"Now, we find many people critical when a righteous person is killed, a young father or mother is taken from a family, or when violent deaths occur. Some become bitter when oft-repeated prayers seem unanswered. Some lose faith and turn sour when solemn administrations by holy men seem to be ignored and no restoration seems to come from repeated prayer circles. But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, agency, would be ended.

"If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no woul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil--all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, no Satanic controls.

"Should all prayers be immediately answered accordning to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, soorow, disappointment, or even death; and if these were not, there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.

"We knew before we were born that we were coming to earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickenss, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we would die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control unreasonable demands."

(See Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 106 and The Improvement Era, March 1966, pages 180, 210.)

Like Mrs. Lindbergh said, everyone suffers. How we respond to that suffering dictates who we become. Our lives can become like a tragic play, or we can choose to learn and grow, instead of becoming bitter and unhappy. Of course we will have ups and downs. Of course we will suffer, we will be depressed, angry, and resentful. But we must not allow that to consume us, and we must work hard to turn our sorrows to joys.

Throughout my life I have known a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, anger, and frustration. I have also known some joy. I believe that much of the joy that I have experienced has come as a direct result of the pain I have endured. Who I am today and who I will become is so deeply attached to my suffering that there is no way to separate them. My understanding of people, my ability to empathize with another human being without judgment comes completely from the hard times in my life. Every day is a struggle to turn pain to joy, but it is possible to do so. I just have to remember that I knew before my birth the pain I would encounter, but I knew without a doubt that the benefits outweighed the negatives and was eager to endure the pain.

the mommy times

this made me laugh and cheered me up a little.

a friend of my mom (and family), Bettijo (pronounced Betty Joe, in case you were wondering), runs a blog called the mommy times. it's a great blog, full of good stories and helpful tips.

this morning my mom sent me an email and told me i should check out this post. the email said:

Thought you might like to know... you are "infamous". LOL Bettijo emailed me last week and asked for some stories. I shared several, but she posted this on the mommy times. Read it, it'll make you laugh! It's fun to look back! I have to admit, when she said it was sent in by a grandma, I wondered why she sent it to me, I figured it must have been written by her mom. I forget I wear that title now...Have a great day- Love you- Mom

want to find out why i'm "infamous"? you better read this article....it's appropriately called "Babysitter's Worst Nightmare". and i promise it will make you laugh. and think about what angels your children are.

(and the fact that my mother used the term 'LOL' made me laugh even more. ha!)

RIP Thor

Thor

? - May 6, 2009

hubby came downstairs this morning before work to find our new betta, thor, had gone on to fishy heaven. i came downstairs and found him in a tupperware on top of the tank (hubby leaves at an ungodly hour when i am still in bed). poor thor. hubby thinks he had some kind of a fungus based on the research he did online. i hope it's not something we did/didn't do with his tank. i'm so sad. :( hubby says we will figure out what went wrong and he will get me another one. i hope i don't kill the next one, too.

to top it all off yesterday my dad called to let me know my childhood cat (i got her when i was barely 11) is really sick. she is very old, and crabby, and has lost a lot of her teeth. they think they will have to put her down. they are taking her to the vet tomorrow. because she's so old if it isn't something simple (like meds) they won't try to prolong her life. this just kills me. i love that crabby old cat that hisses at you every time you walk by.

i'm not having much luck in the pet department lately. hopefully nothing happens to our dog or cat.

migraine, migraine, go away....

so although i am feeling much better overall, i still have some really crappy days. and nights. today i have a monstrous headache. last night was worse....i was so dizzy i was disoriented. i had no idea which direction i was going and opening my eyes was a nightmare. luckily i'm not as dizzy today. let me tell you, i will be so thrilled in 21 weeks when this baby gets here. (not just because i won't be pregnant anymore.)

hubby thinks my migraines might be associated with gluten. i'm not so sure. but it is a possibility. does anyone else have gluten issues? i've heard of it before--i have a few friends that have gluten allergies. it would totally suck if i couldn't eat anything with gluten in it anymore.

we have a new addition to our family. hubby humored me and bought me a betta fish. we named him thor. i love him. i have always loved fish and never had one before. so now we do! he has red fins and his body shimmers from blue to purple to red. we got a little tank complete with pump, light, and lid for about $10, then bought rocks for it. we had a fake plant leftover from the turtles we used to own that was still in the package, so i put that in there too. he loves the plant. little buddy has enjoyed watching him, like me. it's fun to have a fish. now we have a dog, a cat, and a fish. hopefully he won't stink as bad as the turtles we had.

well it's 9 am and little buddy is going down for a nap...which means i am too. hopefully i can sleep off a little of this headache.

spaghetti primavera

i made this for dinner last night and it was delicious. and easy--and quick! it was so good i decided to share the recipe with you. i got it out of parent and child magazine. yummm.

spaghetti primavera

ingredients:
1/3 lb spaghetti (i used angel hair pasta)
1 cup small broccoli florets
1/2 large zucchini (about 3 oz) cut into strips
1 Tbsp butter
4 scallions, finely sliced
1 cup frozen peas
1 tomato (about 5 oz), skinned, seeded, and chopped
2/3 cup heavy cream
1/3 cup vegetable broth
a squeeze of lemon juice
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese

1. cook the spaghetti according to the instructions on the box. cook broccoli and zucchini in lightly salted boiling water for approximately four minutes, until tender-crisp.

2. melt butter in a large saucepan and gently saute scallions for 1 to 2 minutes. stir in peas and cook for about 1 minute. stir in tomato, broccoli, and zucchini, and cook for roughly 1 minute more. stir in the cream, vegetable broth, squeeze of lemon juice, and parmesan. cook over gentle heat for 2 to 3 minutes. season to taste and stir in cooked spaghetti.

makes 3 servings
(i doubled it so we would have leftovers.)

in my house a meal without meat is not a meal. (ask my husband.) so he grilled up some strips of chicken in olive oil, seasoned it with salt and pepper, and we added it to the pasta. it was awesome.

the preio dardos award

Thanks Bethany at Confessions of a Mom of Four for this award!

The Premio Dardos award is for bloggers who distinguish themselves for showing cultural values, ethics, great and fun writing skills, as well as individual values, through their creative writing.