therapy and PTSD work

it's been awhile since i've updated you all on what's going on with me. i've been working on those transformational self portraits though, and i really enjoyed doing it. i've also been really busy with my family, and with teaching piano lessons (which is going great, btw), and with everyday things.

remember how i said i was going to get a new therapist? well i did. and boy am i glad that i did. having told my last T that i was no longer going to see her, it turned into this huge drama-filled episode involving my hubby, her, and me...and it just 100% confirmed that i shouldn't be seeing her. she's all sorts of crazy herself, and seems to be all about the money. and manipulative, too, trying to get me to keep seeing her. nope, not going to.

i did find a new therapist, one that is closer to me, specializes in sexual abuse and is cheaper since my insurance will cover her. i can now see her twice a month instead of just once, which i really need. also, she communicates with me via email on the weeks that i don't go in to see her. how cool is that? she's younger and already seems to understand me better. so far i am really happy with this new situation. i've had one visit with her, and emailed her last week, and will have my second visit on thursday.

my new T has me doing a few things that have already been helping me. the first is documenting my nightmares. i have terrible nightmares almost every night, and the first thing i do in the morning is try to just forget about them. well T asked me to start writing them down. so i have been. i'm not going to lie, this is not easy. i'm then forced to remember them, think about them, write them down, and i have them in my head for the rest of the day. however...i have noticed several patterns in my nightmares and have been able to understand where they are coming from and how they relate to my feelings. i also had a nightmare that helped me remember something else from the abuse that i haven't consciously remembered before. this is a big deal considering i have so few memories of my childhood--both good and bad. getting this crap out into my conscious mind will help me put it behind me, i hope.

the second thing she has me doing is working on this workbook--a PTSD workbook. all i can say about this is WOW. i knew i had PTSD but i never really realized what it was, i guess. i knew it caused the nightmares and the flashbacks. but i didn't realize how almost all of my thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, etc. are a product of this. i have nearly finished the first chapter and already i know so much more about myself and why i act the way i do, why i think the way i do, why i struggle with myself and with relationships. this workbook puts it in terms that are really easy to understand and relate to, and has exercises that really force me to think about myself. and there is even an art therapy exercise that i am about to embark upon.

the downside to all of this is that i am struggling, really struggling, with the PTSD and flashbacks and nightmares, etc. Forcing myself to think about my past brings it right up into the present. I am anxious. I am afraid. i have had three major flashbacks and one minor one within the space of two days that have been horrific and debilitating. shaking, sobbing, screaming....i feel terror inside, ripping me to pieces. it is hard. it is really hard considering i've been burying this crap for so long that having it all come to the surface is hard to handle. luckily i have a family, specifically my husband, who loves me and supports me, when most people would just turn tail and run. i abuse that poor man so much...and as twisted as it sounds, it's because i love him. it doesn't make sense. but i love him so much i think he's better off without me, so i push him away so that i can't ruin his life any more than i have. so all i can say is that i am so grateful for his love and for his perseverance...because he sure puts up with a lot.

also by way of update, i had a visit with the dr that does NAET. very interesting. hubby thinks it's all a crock of crap, that it's a scam, but i was really surprised by it....i'm not going to take the time to write about it here but if you have specific questions, you can email me and i'd be happy to respond. i don't think i'll be doing it right now. i'm going to keep seeing my new T and see how the more traditional trauma processing goes before i start paying $40 a visit for NAET.

in other news...hubby got me pearls for mother's day. and a new pair of pants since i'm losing weight (woot woot!) and helped me make a delicious dinner. princess is seven months old and the prettiest little girl you ever did see. she is sitting on her own and starting to push up on her knees. little buddy is a ball of energy, is talking up a storm and we are pre-potty training. he's such a handsome kid it just melts my heart. i had my pic in the newspaper for the march of dimes walk which was last week, pretty cool, and the weather is pretty much fabulous. AND i didn't have nightmares last night, hallelujah.