being a mother

sometimes being a mother is so hard.

don't get me wrong. i wouldn't trade my kids for ANYTHING. being a mom is the best thing in the whole world. i love them to death and i love being a mom. but that doesn't make it easy.

my poor baby is sick again. she's got bronchiolitis. coughing, chest congestion...no fun. this poor little girl is sick all the time, i swear! it breaks my heart every time she coughs. i feel so helpless...there's nothing i can do. i just want to take it all away from her.

little buddy just got over being sick, too. some kind of stomach flu. poor kid. he spent a day vomiting. one good thing about it, he was sick enough to want to cuddle. he sat in bed with me and cuddled a whole morning! he hasn't done that since he was a baby. i'm glad he's doing better.

i took princess to the doctor today, since she is sick. i'm sure i looked rather comical. little buddy has discovered a new game. when you hold his hand so he can walk, he goes limp in the knees and throws himself on the ground. pretty frustrating when you're in the middle of a parking lot. so...i picked him up. i wish someone would have taken a picture of this. i had a giant (and i mean giant) diaperbag and my very large purse (which is, in fact, a cool looking laptop bag, just to tell you how big it is) on one shoulder. in my arms, a squirming toddler who is very large for his age. i was clutching his pants and holding on for dear life. poor kid probably had the wedgie from hell. in the other hand, i was toting princess' carseat. this girl weighs nearly sixteen pounds. she is not light. so, hip jutted out trying to keep little buddy from slipping, his pants scrunched up, hauling a heavy carseat, and frazzled because buddy is squirming, baby is coughing, and we better hurry up because there's a car coming....i can only imagine what it looked like.

friday is little buddy's birthday. he will be two. i really just want to cry about it. does that make me pathetic? i'm sure it does. my baby is growing up. he's becoming more independent. he refuses help now going down the stairs. "no! no! no!" is what i hear from him, all day, because he wants to do it himself. he's so big! so grown up! i just can't believe it. i just want to hold him and cuddle him and have him be my baby boy forever.

on the other hand, i sure can't wait for the toddler tantrums to pass. the whining...the not listening...well, on the other hand, i guess that doesn't really go away, does it? i still don't listen to my parents, haha. and i'm sure hubby will gladly attest to my whining.

i wish i could make my kids eternally happy. i don't ever want them to be sick, or hurt, or upset, or scared. i don't want them to experience all of the terrible things that i have, that their daddy has. i want to protect them from the scary parts of the world. i want them to learn, and grow, and be healthy and safe and secure and confident. too bad keeping them in a padded room won't foster that...at least they'd be safe, right?

everyone told me how hard being a parent would be. i knew it would be hard. but i was not prepared for how hard it actually would be. and i'm not just talking about screaming babies at 3 am, and diaper blowouts in the middle of the car shop, and carrying a toddler and a baby, and living on little sleep, and the money, and all. i'm talking about how hard it is to watch your child and know all of the terrible things that are out there in the world. to see your sweet baby be sick and know there isn't a thing you can do about it. to watch your son fall on the sidewalk and scrape his hand...to hurt for the damage they will incur from society, from the hard knocks of life. to worry about their happiness. to wonder if they will be teased in school, if they will have friends, what kind of things they'll be up against, just to be who they are. my heart aches with the desire to protect them from every negative thing out there.

sigh. i better stop this line of thinking before it gets out of hand.

how do you be a parent, knowing that such bad things are out there, and still be okay?

i can't imagine how my parents must have felt when they found out they had failed to protect me from my uncle...what a betrayal of trust, what a massive blow, knowing that their baby was hurt and they hadn't prevented it.

i don't know what i would do if i found out someone hurt my babies like that.

guess you could all visit me in prison.