the nightmares keep coming back.
right in the middle of a pleasant dream, there he is. i see his face. sometimes he doesn't speak. sometimes he doesn't look at me. but he is there....and suddenly i am filled with fear, with anger, with...darkness. there is no word to describe the feeling. i wake up panicky, feeling as if i haven't slept at all, and my neck and shoulders so tense they are throbbing. i awake to darkness surrounding me awake as i have within me in unconsciousness.
i roll over to see hubby sleeping, breathing evenly and deeply. i touch his arm, curl up against his shoulder and try to sleep again. within me there is a fight--a fight for sleep i desperately need as a mother of two very small and energetic children, and a fight for consciousness, to escape the man who haunts my dreams.
how do i escape? there is no where to run. i cannot hide from what is inside my head. in my waking hours it is much easier to avoid the darkness and fear, although not always successful. at night, in my dreams....there is no way. there is no escape. my mind is a prison that i am bound to, and i don't know where to go looking for the key.
i am grateful to have a family who loves and supports me, who bolsters me through the daylight. a husband who keeps me connected to reality. children who need me. without them, i might just be lost in the depths of insanity, surrendering to the darkness inside, losing myself piece by piece into the mists of fear and helplessness.
helplessness. yes, that's the word i couldn't place before.
a small girl, six years of age, sitting in a corner. curled up in a tight little ball...face pressed into knees, arms wrapped around her body, shaking and shivering, alone, confused and hurt...tears running down her face. no where to run, no where to hide, no one to talk to.
when i close my eyes, that is what i see.
i see me.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
"The sun is nature's Prozac." (Astrid Alauda)
it's been a little while since i've posted. but in all, this is a good thing. this means that i am busy...and i am also a lot happier.
my meds really seem to be working and i am doing well at not forgetting to take them. i am also exercising more and eating better overall, which i think is helping. the weather is getting nice, which makes getting out of the house and into the sun easier, which also helps. (check out my weight-loss blog, burnin' baby fat, to see how my progress is coming.)
i have decided i am going to find a new therapist. the one i am seeing now doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot, and i have been getting rather irritated with the direction my therapy is going. i am also going to be seeing a doctor who practices NAET (you can read about it here) to see if it will help out with my depression and PTSD. my first appointment is on friday, so i'll let you know how it all goes. karina over at the daily delights suggested it to me, she said it's worked wonders for her.
also, hubby freaking rocks. and not just because he bought me this:
that's right, i am the proud owner of an iphone, and i LOVE it.
well i'm going to get up off my butt and do some workin' out, then on to clean my nasty house before my piano students arrive this afternoon. (did i mention i have ten students now? woot woot!)
my meds really seem to be working and i am doing well at not forgetting to take them. i am also exercising more and eating better overall, which i think is helping. the weather is getting nice, which makes getting out of the house and into the sun easier, which also helps. (check out my weight-loss blog, burnin' baby fat, to see how my progress is coming.)
i have decided i am going to find a new therapist. the one i am seeing now doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot, and i have been getting rather irritated with the direction my therapy is going. i am also going to be seeing a doctor who practices NAET (you can read about it here) to see if it will help out with my depression and PTSD. my first appointment is on friday, so i'll let you know how it all goes. karina over at the daily delights suggested it to me, she said it's worked wonders for her.
also, hubby freaking rocks. and not just because he bought me this:
that's right, i am the proud owner of an iphone, and i LOVE it. well i'm going to get up off my butt and do some workin' out, then on to clean my nasty house before my piano students arrive this afternoon. (did i mention i have ten students now? woot woot!)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
burnin' baby fat
i have a new blog.
it is my weight-loss blog...where i will keep track of my exercise, my eating, my journey to getting rid of this baby fat!
check it out, come follow me, join me in losing weight, cheer me on.
burnin' baby fat
it is my weight-loss blog...where i will keep track of my exercise, my eating, my journey to getting rid of this baby fat!
check it out, come follow me, join me in losing weight, cheer me on.
burnin' baby fat
7 steps to protecting our children: recap
in case you missed the 7 steps (taken from darkness2light.org), here is a quick recap for you.
see the complete booklet here
Step 1. Learn the facts. Understand the risks.
Realities – not trust – should influence your decisions regarding children.
Step 2. Minimize opportunity.
If you eliminate or reduce one-adult/one-child situations, you’ll dramatically lower the risk of sexual abuse for children.
Step 3. Talk about it.
Children often keep abuse a secret, but barriers can be broken down by talking openly about it.
Step 4. Stay alert.
Don’t expect obvious signs when a child is being sexually abused.
Step 5. Make a plan.
Learn where to go, whom to call and how to react.
Step 6. Act on suspicions.
The future well-being of a child is at stake.
Step 7. Get involved.
Volunteer and financially support organizations that fight the tragedy of child sexual abuse.
see the complete booklet here
Step 1. Learn the facts. Understand the risks.
Realities – not trust – should influence your decisions regarding children.
Step 2. Minimize opportunity.
If you eliminate or reduce one-adult/one-child situations, you’ll dramatically lower the risk of sexual abuse for children.
Step 3. Talk about it.
Children often keep abuse a secret, but barriers can be broken down by talking openly about it.
Step 4. Stay alert.
Don’t expect obvious signs when a child is being sexually abused.
Step 5. Make a plan.
Learn where to go, whom to call and how to react.
Step 6. Act on suspicions.
The future well-being of a child is at stake.
Step 7. Get involved.
Volunteer and financially support organizations that fight the tragedy of child sexual abuse.
Monday, April 12, 2010
7 steps to protecting our children: step 7
Step 7
Get involved.
Volunteer and financially support organization that fight the tragedy of child sexual abuse.
“What can I do to help children in my community?”
Get involved by donating your time and resources to support organizations such as these:
◆ Prevention programs
◆ Children’s advocacy centers
◆ Crisis information and referral services
◆ Rape crisis centers
Use your voice and your vote to make your community a safer place for children.
◆ Ask that schools and organizations in your community have child sexual abuse prevention policies, and help with their creation. Ask other adults to do the same.
◆ Bring Darkness to Light’s Stewards of Children prevention program to your community.
www.darkness2light.org.
◆ Support legislation that protects children. Visit www.darkness2light.org for legislative information.
◆ Demand that the government put more resources into protecting children from sexual abuse and into responding to reports of sexual abuse.
◆ Call and write your members of Congress.
◆ Write letters to your newspaper.
BREAK THE CYCLE OF SILENCE.
There are 39 million survivors of child sexual abuse in America today.
Let the healing and the prevention begin today.
The references for this booklet can be found in the 7 Steps portion of the Darkness to Light website, www.darkness2light.org/7steps/7steps_bibliography.asp.
step 1
step 2
step 3
step 4
step 5
step 6
taken from darkness2light.org
Get involved.
Volunteer and financially support organization that fight the tragedy of child sexual abuse.
“What can I do to help children in my community?”
Get involved by donating your time and resources to support organizations such as these:
◆ Prevention programs
◆ Children’s advocacy centers
◆ Crisis information and referral services
◆ Rape crisis centers
Use your voice and your vote to make your community a safer place for children.
◆ Ask that schools and organizations in your community have child sexual abuse prevention policies, and help with their creation. Ask other adults to do the same.
◆ Bring Darkness to Light’s Stewards of Children prevention program to your community.
www.darkness2light.org.
◆ Support legislation that protects children. Visit www.darkness2light.org for legislative information.
◆ Demand that the government put more resources into protecting children from sexual abuse and into responding to reports of sexual abuse.
◆ Call and write your members of Congress.
◆ Write letters to your newspaper.
BREAK THE CYCLE OF SILENCE.
There are 39 million survivors of child sexual abuse in America today.
Let the healing and the prevention begin today.
The references for this booklet can be found in the 7 Steps portion of the Darkness to Light website, www.darkness2light.org/7steps/7steps_bibliography.asp.
step 1
step 2
step 3
step 4
step 5
step 6
taken from darkness2light.org
Sunday, April 11, 2010
7 steps to protecting our children: step 6
Step 6
Act on suspicions.
The future well being of a child is at stake.
By acting on suspicions of child sexual abuse, you will save not only one child, but perhaps countless others. Many of those who sexually abuse children have multiple victims.
You may be faced with a situation where you suspect abuse but don’t have any proof. Suspicions are scary, but trust your instincts. Have the courage to report the suspected abuse.
What if I’m not sure?
Where do I go?
◆ Child Abuse Helplines have staff specifically trained to deal with questions about suspected child sexual abuse. Call Darkness to Light’s helpline, 1-866-FOR-LIGHT to be routed to resources in your community, or call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
◆ Children’s Advocacy Centers coordinate all the professionals (legal, social services, medical) involved in a case. If you’re unsure about whether to make an official report or just need support, contact a children’s advocacy center. The staff will help you evaluate your suspicions and your next steps. To find a center near you, contact The National Children’s Alliance at www.nca-online.org or 1-800-239-9950.
◆ Local Community Agencies, such as local hotlines, United Way offices, or rape crisis centers can often help.
◆ Talk to the child’s parents (as long as they are not the abusers) and provide educational materials, such as this booklet. If the parents seem indifferent or unlikely to take action, call one of the recommended sources.
Know the agencies that handle reports of abuse.
Two agencies handle most reports of child abuse.
◆ Child Protective Services (in some states this agency has a different name)
◆ Law Enforcement: Some states designate Child Protective Services as the agency that accepts reports of suspected child abuse. Others designate law enforcement. Some do not designate or designate both. Many states have tollfree lines that accept reports of abuse from the entire state. To find out where to make a report in your state, identify the Child Abuse Reporting Numbers at The National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect website, http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/topics/reporting/guidelines.cfm.
If the legal system does not provide adequate protection for a child, visit the National Center for Victims of Crime at www.ncvc.org or call 1-800-FYI-CALL for referral information.
These resources can help you if you are unsure of whether abuse has occurred, but they do not substitute for making an official report. Remember that you may be a mandated reporter in your state and you may be the only source of protection for that child.
step 1
step 2
step 3
step 4
step 5
taken from darkness2light.org
Act on suspicions.
The future well being of a child is at stake.
By acting on suspicions of child sexual abuse, you will save not only one child, but perhaps countless others. Many of those who sexually abuse children have multiple victims.
You may be faced with a situation where you suspect abuse but don’t have any proof. Suspicions are scary, but trust your instincts. Have the courage to report the suspected abuse.
What if I’m not sure?
Where do I go?
◆ Child Abuse Helplines have staff specifically trained to deal with questions about suspected child sexual abuse. Call Darkness to Light’s helpline, 1-866-FOR-LIGHT to be routed to resources in your community, or call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
◆ Children’s Advocacy Centers coordinate all the professionals (legal, social services, medical) involved in a case. If you’re unsure about whether to make an official report or just need support, contact a children’s advocacy center. The staff will help you evaluate your suspicions and your next steps. To find a center near you, contact The National Children’s Alliance at www.nca-online.org or 1-800-239-9950.
◆ Local Community Agencies, such as local hotlines, United Way offices, or rape crisis centers can often help.
◆ Talk to the child’s parents (as long as they are not the abusers) and provide educational materials, such as this booklet. If the parents seem indifferent or unlikely to take action, call one of the recommended sources.
Know the agencies that handle reports of abuse.
Two agencies handle most reports of child abuse.
◆ Child Protective Services (in some states this agency has a different name)
◆ Law Enforcement: Some states designate Child Protective Services as the agency that accepts reports of suspected child abuse. Others designate law enforcement. Some do not designate or designate both. Many states have tollfree lines that accept reports of abuse from the entire state. To find out where to make a report in your state, identify the Child Abuse Reporting Numbers at The National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect website, http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/topics/reporting/guidelines.cfm.
If the legal system does not provide adequate protection for a child, visit the National Center for Victims of Crime at www.ncvc.org or call 1-800-FYI-CALL for referral information.
These resources can help you if you are unsure of whether abuse has occurred, but they do not substitute for making an official report. Remember that you may be a mandated reporter in your state and you may be the only source of protection for that child.
step 1
step 2
step 3
step 4
step 5
taken from darkness2light.org
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