cleaning out and moving on

i'm going through the grieving process. 

not because someone died.
not really because i lost something...
...more because i'm giving something away.

we moved a few weeks ago, and lost a lot of storage space.  we now have a garage, which is great, but i didn't really how much stuff we really had until i tried to organize it all.  so slowly i have been going through one area at a time and purging extra stuff.  (like the clothes i've been hanging on to for three years because someday i hope to fit into them again...ha....sheets that don't fit any of the beds we have, small kitchen appliances i haven't used in several years, books, frames, etc.)  so i've taken several boxes and bags of random things to the thrift store.  last night, hubby and i tackled the biggest project...and the hardest.

the baby items.

we went through about twenty diaper-boxes full of clothes, several boxes of toys, maternity clothes and other miscellaneous baby items.  last spring i sold most of the bigger items, like the jumperoo, bouncer seat, play mat, bassinet, etc.  i even got rid of a ton of the clothes we have, and kept the things in the best condition that i liked the most.

well.  we don't have room for it.  and in spite of my intense desire to have another baby (like, NOW), it's not the right time for our family for several very good reasons.  in fact, it will be at least a few years until we will be in a place that we can afford another baby financially, emotionally, realistically.

and i cried.  a lot.  more than a lot.  i sobbed like a little girl, sorting through clothes, holding up newborn size jumpers i can remember my sweet little ones wearing.  pulling out the tiny shoes little buddy wore home from the hospital, that were too big on him at the time.  seeing the little dresses princess wore.  realizing that my little ones are growing up.  fast.  only yesterday i was cuddling their soft little bodies, smelling that sweet baby smell, kissing their fuzzy little heads, nursing and rocking them, singing to them and just being in awe of the tininess of their little fingers and toes.  and, also, realizing that there isn't a possibility of having a baby anytime soon.

so, toys, clothes, blankets...all for sale now.  all in bags, in boxes, in my garage.  i kept some--one rubbermaid tote of clothes, one rubbermaid tote of toys, and one rubbermaid tote of spoons, breast pumps, blankets, baby carriers, and other miscellaneous things.

and, when they're gone, there really will be no turning back.

maybe that's what is hardest about it....moving on.  having to admit to myself that i'm no longer the mother of babies...i'm the mother of one extremely independent toddler, and of one very active preschooler.

(makes me feel old.)