picture of experience

sanctuary

2012-01-26T23:45:00.001-07:00

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

Berthold Auerbach

i began playing the piano so long ago i don't remember much about it, other than the fact that my dad tried to teach me at first and i had to sit on a phone book so i could reach the keyboard. i think i was four or five. my dad worked and didn't have much time to teach me (and i had a hard time listening to him), so i began taking from a woman in our neighborhood...then a more professional teacher...then so on until the age of 16 when i stopped taking lessons.

once i was competent enough to sight read most of what i wanted to play, or pick through more difficult songs, i really fell in love with the piano. it became a sanctuary, a haven for me when life was tumultuous. it was one of few things that i could lose myself in and forget life for just a few moments. reading...art...music. i can actually remember a few times i got up in the middle of the night to play, using the quiet pedal and tapping the keys as softly as i could so i didn't disturb anyone. as far as i know no one in my family was aware....which is no mean feat considering my parents' bedroom was not far and i have four siblings.

when i moved out, i went to live with my aunt for a summer. she did not have a piano. i missed it. i went to college, lived in the dorms. there were a few pianos made available for students studying music and anyone who wanted to play. they were almost always occupied. and it was in a tiny little sound-proofed room....acoustics were horrible. i didn't play often for several years.

shortly after i married, hubby and i purchased a used piano. it was previously a lab piano at a university and had been well-used. it had a good sound, though, and was fairly inexpensive. a small studio upright. perfect for our small house. it was a piano, and i was thrilled. hubby got out his guitar. we purchased sheet music to our song, and he played the chords on his guitar and i played the piano. i played tons at first...then less often, as life got busy. especially when the babies came. (it's hard to play the piano with a baby....i even attempted strapping little buddy in the carrier to my chest to play. i still play with a child on my lap, vying for the keys as they pound in front of me. those songs don't sound very pretty, i promise.)

in february of 2010, i started teaching piano lessons. i loved it. i loved watching my students learn, and the ones who practiced and began to love it. it was hard on my family though. living in an apartment, having to stay shut in a single room so they wouldn't disturb the lessons. and having students who didn't show. it was difficult. eventually i had to stop teaching. i was working, plus taking care of my family, and i couldn't teach piano as well. the money was very little and not steady because of students being inconsistent. i played a little more while i taught.

lately i've been drawn to the piano more than usual. maybe it's because i'm feeling better. i'm finding even more joy in something that has always been a good thing for me. a few months ago i purchased two new piano books--library of piano classics and piano classics 2. two of the best purchases i have ever made. it is exciting to go through the pages and find new songs to play, and some i learned long ago. several are far beyond my skills as an amateur pianist, but there are a good number within my grasp. i discovered a beautiful and haunting nocturne by chopin, one i hadn't heard before. i am learning to play it. accuracy is coming along although i need to work on the tempo.

for a music class two semesters ago, i had to write a paper on a composer and dissect several of his or her compositions. i chose to study camille saint-saens, a french composer in the early 1900s. i knew very little of him, but loved his romantic melodies. i was excited to find his piece "the swan" in the books, and have been working on it as well.

and..."clair de lune," one of my favorites, and difficult for me. it is one that will take hours of practice to learn. very hard to do when i only get twenty minutes here and there to play.

then, another i've loved to play lately, the waltz "the beautiful blue danube." this is a fun one, and relatively easy for me to play.

i'd also love to learn to play this nocturne, another by chopin.

i am drawn to these nocturnes....they express my feeling so well, so much better than i can in words or gestures. in some ways, even better than art. art can sometimes be frustrating...the finished result rarely ends up what is envisioned in my head. music, however, has already been written for me. it is left to me to learn and practice the mechanics of it in order to produce the desired result, but not the creation of it. both art and music serve their purposes well for me and my ability to express myself.

i hope you will take the time to listen to these pieces. classical music, especially piano music, has a very calming effect on me, and brings such joy to me. i hope that these songs will do the same for you.

i believe everyone has a means of expression. using the work of others, like with music: singing, playing an instrument, or even listening to a song that speaks to you. writing, or reading, or acting, or creating visual arts, or sewing, or whatever it is. an escape...or a way to speak.

how do you express yourself? why does that particular method work for you?

funny stuff my kid says

2012-01-24T21:02:00.001-07:00

so, little buddy is just a month shy of his fourth birthday.
(i know, it's insane. don't remind me how old i am.)

and being an adorable three-on-the-brink-of-four-year-old, he says some pretty funny stuff.

today, he looks at hubby and says, "do you really want to hurt me? do you really want to make me cry?"
HAHAHAHAHA!

it's winter. it's cold. the other day we were getting in the car and he looks at me and says, "mommy, it's so cold my butt is gonna get freezed off!" yes, yes it just might. (it was that cold.)

he got a really cool Buzz Lightyear for christmas from my parents, and he loves to play with it. however...he does not say "to infinity and beyond!" the way buzz does. instead, he says, "to infinity, let me on!" when hubby tried to correct him, he argued and told hubby that he was wrong. "no, daddy, buzz says 'to infinity, let me on!' not 'to infinity and beyond.' silly daddy."

and speaking of mistaken movie quotes, he also believes that gru from "despicable me" does not say "lightbulb" in the daydream sequences...he says "lightbomb." he also thinks it's pretty hilarious to tell me that i drive like gru in the scene where gru parallel parks and bashes into the other cars. (uh, no, but thanks.)

i can't think of anymore right now but trust me, that kid cracks me up.

i'm a survivor

2012-01-22T21:28:00.001-07:00

i've been thinking a lot lately.

(i know...i can almost hear the "oh, great"s and eye rolling that must be going on. at least from hubby, who teases me about the phrase because it almost always involves me asking for money or changing plans or something to that effect.)

the truth is...i've been thinking about myself, about who i am, who i've become, and what i've been through. where i am now.

i miss my blog. but i'm having a hard time coming up with things to write about, or time to write it in. take now, for instance. what do i write about? while my children are pretty much amazing and my husband definitely has the hottest rear end in the world, i'm sure the rest of you don't want to hear about just that. and due to neglect, i don't even know how many readers i have left. (so if you're reading this, thanks.)

there have been a lot of changes in my life, especially within the last six months. many of which i'm not at liberty to discuss, whether out of respect for others they concern or a desire for privacy. it's kind of been a hard six months in a lot of ways, but also good in that i feel like i'm climbing out of the hole.

i saw a new doctor, which is good. i hadn't seen a med doctor for far too long because our insurance changed and i didn't want to look for one. (i HATE seeing new doctors...rehashing the history...trying to get comfortable and trust them...especially in situations like mine, where there is a ton of very uncomfortable history to deal with.) my therapist recommended one, however, and so i finally called and made an appointment. it was long overdue. the doctor i'd seen previously told me that i wasn't bipolar, i just had a hormone imbalance. she put me on progesterone and a bunch of supplements and told me everything would be better. things did get better for awhile, but not by a whole lot. then (stupid me) i stopped taking the progesterone. bad idea. i went back on it....did a little better....still had issues. big, angry, sobbing, mood-swinging issues. suffice it to say, my family wanted to throw me out the window.

new doctor tried very hard not to roll his eyes and very tactfully told me while he didn't have all of the information my previous doctor had, he found it very difficult to believe that i had a progesterone deficiency. (i pretty much got the feeling he thought she was an idiot.) he then proceeded to tell me that from everything he had heard it was very likely i'd been dealing with bipolar disorder since the age of approximately 13, if not sooner. combine that with the PTSD and typical teenage angst, it's no wonder i had so many issues.

so....double the dose of my mood-stabilizer (lamictal) and add in an SNRI (effexor), life is sunshine and roses again. i'm happier and have more energy than i've had in who knows how long (if ever). hubby even told me to tell my doctor at my follow-up that he doesn't want to strangle me anymore. (this news was met with relief....both on my part and that of my doctor, who wasn't quite sure how to handle it, heehee.)

only problem...side effects. stupid, horrible, nasty, hateful side effects. headaches. dizzyness. more headaches. fatigue. (more energy and fatigue...go figure. but it's happening.) yawning. (i know, weird, right?) and headaches. since i already suffer from debilitating migraines, the daily headaches are not well-received. i am hoping that they will start getting better soon. apparently one in ten patients on these meds experience headaches. yuck.

so where was i going with this? oh yeah....blog. life changes. all that. back to the blog.

i got an email several months ago from a doctoral student at purdue (personal blog here), who is doing her dissertation (professional portfolio here) on trauma and blogging. my blog was one of several she's chosen to use in her studies. i'm really excited about this. it made me really analyze my blog and the purpose it has served.

first, as an outlet to me. a really important one. when trauma made it physically impossible to speak...i literally could not get words out....my fingers would still function on a keyboard.

when i needed someone to listen, i had a whole network of fellow survivors, family, and friends. people who were there for me, who really understood what i was saying, because they've lived it, too.

i also have a place that encompasses me. maybe someday, in thirty or forty or fifty years, this blog will still be out there for people to read, maybe even my children.

my story has provided hope for others. this is so humbling to me. i decided a long time ago that if i had to live through hell, i might as well make it worth something. so i took my personal hell and put it out there for the whole world to see, hoping that someone else out there would read it and feel not so alone. since i started this blog in 2008, i have received so many comments and emails from people telling me thank you, that they have hope for themselves because of my healing, that they don't feel so isolated. isolation is a terrifying place to be....so if i can offer one person a feeling of connection, then that is pretty amazing to me.

it's been a kind of documentation of my healing. the ups and downs. the moments of blackest despair, when i wasn't even sure life was worth living, when i was convinced i would never be happy again. the days where i was content, the nights of anxiety and fear, the help i got in therapy. the participation in blog carnivals and groups, research on child abuse, the ability to think and feel. and, ultimately, the regaining of my strength and power, the taking back of myself from my abuser.

so here i am. i don't believe my journey of healing will ever really end, but having put most of the abuse behind me, i have myself to deal with. my lack of self-esteem, the bipolar disorder and the impulsiveness and mood-swings that come with it. medication, therapy, doctors....a lot more future to deal with, even though i've got twenty-six years of past behind me.

four years ago i never, in a million years, could have predicted i'd be right here, sitting at my kitchen table, having lived through everything i have. three years i ago i never would have seen the happiness i've found in the past few weeks. two years ago i would have had a panic attack just thinking about approaching my abuser. one year ago i was really dealing with the abuse....

....and now here i am. imperfect. flawed. but optimistic. cautiously happy. hopeful. still struggling with wrapping my head around this bipolar thing, but i've accepted it. i don't like it, but i accept it. i'm still kind of embarrassed by it, even though it's not my fault, but that's a discussion for another day.

my name is cornnut. i'm twenty-six years old, i'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a blogger, an artist, a student, a pianist, and a survivor. because i truly have survived.

(now you can go sing that destiny's child song, because i know you're all hearing it in your heads.)

(and if you made it this far into this horrendously long and rather disjointed blog post, thanks.)

little miss austen

2011-12-16T13:03:00.001-07:00

today's post is mostly for one of my bestest friends, miss kaitlyn.e, and for the rest of you who are just as in love with jane austen as i am.

behold my recent library find:
Little Miss Austin: Pride and Prejudice, A Counting Primer

um, wow. can i say this is pretty awesome. and i find it rather thrilling that my two year old is, in fact, the one who found it. she loves it. if anyone wants an idea for christmas (for me or her), here you go. and also:

Little Master Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet, A Counting Primer

Little Miss Bronte: Jane Eyre, A Counting Primer

Little Master Carroll: Alice in Wonderland, A Color Primer

the beginning of a bucket list

2011-12-15T00:23:00.001-07:00

brainstorming...

my bucket list. the beginnings of it, anyway.

1. have my own gallery show. even if it means building my own gallery in my backyard out of refrigerator boxes and inviting the neighbors.

2. visit europe...paris, london, venice, florence, prague, rome. at least.

3. see a rothko, pollock, and klimt in person.

4. feel beautiful.

5. be able to sit for five minutes and feel nothing but peace...no worry, anxiety, depression. just peace.

6. watch my children grow up to be happy people.

7. finish a bachelor's degree at least, maybe a graduate degree. in art.

8. feel like a real artist...not an amateur pretending to be a real artist.

9. have a room in my house that i can hang art prints all over, so when i'm depressed, i can walk into that room and be surrounded by joy.

10. find out the secret to being happy.

11. go to the smithsonian, moma, louvre, musee d'orsay and any other art museum i can get myself to.

12. see a broadway play on broadway.

13. fly.....

14. watch a sunset that takes my breath away from beginning to end.

15. write a book.

16. learn to play clair de lune. if not perfectly, then at least accurately.

17. take more piano lessons. get better at playing. find time to practice.

18. learn to make those around me happy. with no reservations.

19. speak another language passably.

20. purchase an original work of art that i love. buy a couch to match the art. inform couch salesman that it is ridiculous to buy art to match a couch. it should be done the other way around.

21. paint something i am truly happy with, that i can look at without second guessing or critiquing.

22. own a four-poster canopy bed.

23. dress up in a regency ball gown.

24. be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and friend.

25. sleep under the stars on a clear night; learn to identify a few constellations.

Things on my bucket list I've already accomplished:
1. got married in the Salt Lake City temple
2. became a mother
3. confronted and forgave my abuser
4. dyed my hair black
5. played Frank Lloyd Wright's piano (although i didn't realize it was a bucket list thing until i'd done it...i played Chopin's "Polonaise in G Minor" in Taliesin West when i was 18.)

cleaning out and moving on

2011-12-09T00:02:00.001-07:00

i'm going through the grieving process.

not because someone died.
not really because i lost something...
...more because i'm giving something away.

we moved a few weeks ago, and lost a lot of storage space. we now have a garage, which is great, but i didn't really how much stuff we really had until i tried to organize it all. so slowly i have been going through one area at a time and purging extra stuff. (like the clothes i've been hanging on to for three years because someday i hope to fit into them again...ha....sheets that don't fit any of the beds we have, small kitchen appliances i haven't used in several years, books, frames, etc.) so i've taken several boxes and bags of random things to the thrift store. last night, hubby and i tackled the biggest project...and the hardest.

the baby items.

we went through about twenty diaper-boxes full of clothes, several boxes of toys, maternity clothes and other miscellaneous baby items. last spring i sold most of the bigger items, like the jumperoo, bouncer seat, play mat, bassinet, etc. i even got rid of a ton of the clothes we have, and kept the things in the best condition that i liked the most.

well. we don't have room for it. and in spite of my intense desire to have another baby (like, NOW), it's not the right time for our family for several very good reasons. in fact, it will be at least a few years until we will be in a place that we can afford another baby financially, emotionally, realistically.

and i cried. a lot. more than a lot. i sobbed like a little girl, sorting through clothes, holding up newborn size jumpers i can remember my sweet little ones wearing. pulling out the tiny shoes little buddy wore home from the hospital, that were too big on him at the time. seeing the little dresses princess wore. realizing that my little ones are growing up. fast. only yesterday i was cuddling their soft little bodies, smelling that sweet baby smell, kissing their fuzzy little heads, nursing and rocking them, singing to them and just being in awe of the tininess of their little fingers and toes. and, also, realizing that there isn't a possibility of having a baby anytime soon.

so, toys, clothes, blankets...all for sale now. all in bags, in boxes, in my garage. i kept some--one rubbermaid tote of clothes, one rubbermaid tote of toys, and one rubbermaid tote of spoons, breast pumps, blankets, baby carriers, and other miscellaneous things.

and, when they're gone, there really will be no turning back.

maybe that's what is hardest about it....moving on. having to admit to myself that i'm no longer the mother of babies...i'm the mother of one extremely independent toddler, and of one very active preschooler.

(makes me feel old.)

Beautiful People

2011-11-05T00:10:00.001-06:00

The most beautiful people we have known
are those who have
known defeat,
known suffering,
known struggle,
known loss,
and have found their way out of the depths.

These persons have
an appreciation,
a sensitivity,
and an understanding of life
that fills them with
compassion,
gentleness,
and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

-Elizabeth Kubler Ros

new paintings

2011-10-24T07:55:00.002-06:00

i found the poem for this one (which i modified slightly) on pinterest. (it looks bubbled because of my camera, and while the text is uneven it's not as bad as it shows. it also cut about an inch off all around it.) i'm actually pretty happy with this one, it will match my living room pretty well. plus...this is something i need to remember!

this one i started in early august and just finished last night. it's an anniversary present for hubby. this one also looks better in real life and has had the edges cut off in the photo.

both are done in acrylic on 16x20 wrapped canvas.

catching up

2011-10-22T23:19:00.000-06:00

wow....can you remember the last time i posted on this blog? i can't, unless i look, which i'm not going to do. :) for any readers left....how about an update? (and a blog post riddled with links just for the fun of it?)

life here in the cornnut household is pretty crazy. princess just turned two (which is insane....remember when i couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong with me...and i ended up being pregnant?) little buddy is three and a half now and in preschool. (ALSO hard to believe he was only six months old when i started this blog.)

i am in school, hooray, and have officially been cleared for graduation in may. i will be graduating with my associates in general studies, which is a nice way of saying i got all of my crappy general ed classes finished in community college so i can take the fun classes at a university. i'm so stinking excited to have that piece of paper that says i did something with my education. i've worked hard and so far have a 4.0. yay me :) too bad i left my math classes for my last two semesters. i hate math.

hubby got a new job, he is now a forensic investigator with the local police department. real-life CSI, which means i refuse to watch CSI with him now. apparently TV is nothing like real life. sheesh. i'm so proud of him...new job, and he graduated with his bachelor of psychology degree in june, and he's just kicking butt all around.

i'm working too...as a photographer. for lifetouch, in one of their JC Penny portrait studios. people pay me to hold their adorable babies. so if you live in my area and need a photographer, look me up.

hubby and i celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in august. hard to believe we've been married five years....we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still here, still working together to overcome the downs. we've been through and dealt with a lot. thanks babe...for sticking with it and helping me do the same. i love you.

for those of you who remember...i've made peace with my parents. some really tough stuff happened a few months ago and we were able to reconnect and overcome our issues because of it. i'm really grateful to have a good relationship with them again, and for everything they have done for me. my kids love being around them too. we were able to spend some time with them yesterday, and i am just so glad we've worked things out and have been able to move forward.

my baby brother (who really isn't a baby anymore, so i should probably stop calling him that) is currently in the MTC (missionary training center). he is serving a mission for the LDS church, and will shortly be headed to Peru. i can't believe how grown up he is. it's kind of giving me an identity crisis, because it makes me feel so OLD. i'm only 25, you know....even if i look 30...and feel 50.

my youngest sister is a STAR and plays volleyball for a pac12 team! i'd tell you which one but since this blog is supposed to be anonymous to anyone who doesn't actually know me in real life i'm not telling. :) if you do know me, you've already heard be brag about her, so i'm pretty sure you know where she plays. she is aiming for the olympics...rio de janeiro, baby! guess i better start putting my pennies in a jar.

new obsession: pinterest. holy cow, is that thing awesome or what? love love love finding new inspiration and fun projects to do. (and i've actually done them, not just pinned them! accomplishment!) plus facebook and saving tons of money shopping....i'm a couponer! (NOT like extreme couponing on TLC.) i do save anywhere from $100-$200 on my monthly shopping trips, which is pretty darn cool. i am teaching classes on how to do it, too, so if you know me and want to host a class....you should!

next month we are moving again. same city, new place. we got new management in our apartment complex and things have really gone downhill, plus we've had issues with our neighbors and our rent is pretty ridiculous. we are moving into a townhome that is nicer and $300 a month cheaper. i'm really excited, even though i hate packing, and unpacking, and moving, and the mess that is associated with it. we are also downsizing to a two bedroom so the kids will be sharing...that will be interesting.

as many of you know.....halloween is coming, and it is my favorite-est holiday EVER. this year's costumes are fun. hubby is a banana again, mostly because he's not into dressing up the way i am, we don't have a lot of money, and we have a banana costume. i got a snow white costume from freecycle (freecycle=awesomeness, find the one near you!) that fits perfectly and looks pretty cool, if i say so myself. (in fact, we took the kids to a halloween festival our city puts on and i had moms stopping me to take pictures with their little girls....kind of surreal.) little buddy is super why, and i made his costume myself. while i am a perfectionist and will accept the quality of the costume, he loves it. that's all that matters. princess is a pirate. why? because my little two year old loves pirates. she is the cutest little buccaneer the world ever did see. she goes around saying, "arrrrr, matey" in her adorable toddler voice, only she does it deeper and gravely and sounds just like a pirate toddler should. everyone fawns all over it, including her mama. the kids are falling in love with halloween, probably thanks to me, and think witches and ghosts and skeletons and bats are the coolest things ever.

and, for your viewing pleasure, the pretty awesome sign my mom helped me make yesterday:

i saw a sign similar to this at Michael's for $20. it was on a stake. i loved the concept (i do have my own little monsters, after all) but flat out refuse to spend $20 on something like that. and i wanted one to hang on my door, since i don't have a yard. so....with three pieces of scrap wood (my mom had them and cut them for me), a little acrylic and puff paint, wire and ribbon (also all thanks to mom's supply), i have an adorable sign for my front door. it's about a thousand times cuter than the one at Michael's, and we added the hands to it. that was also mom's idea. we traced little buddy's and princess's hands and turned them into monster hands. so not only is it cute, but in ten years when i pull it out for halloween i'll get to see how small their little hands were when i made the sign. i really love it!

so i'm pretty sure that's about it...at least i hope so. :) i kind of miss my blog, even though its purpose (to help me heal and hopefully help others) has been mostly served, at least on my end. i hope i still have new readers coming across the blog and finding some kind of inspiration and maybe comfort in knowing they aren't alone. i definitely don't want to start over with a new one. after three years with this blog, and several hundred posts, it's hard to imagine a new one. i've probably lost most of my readers, though---if you're still there, still reading, let me know you're here, and how you're doing. it would be nice to kind of catch up with a lot of you.

until next time!

Guest Post: Identifying Abuse Among Students

2011-09-20T12:28:00.003-06:00

A little while ago, I was contacted by a fellow blogger asking to guest post. Allison Gamble is a writer on EducationalPsychology.net, a website dedicated to "the study of the social, ethical, and cognitive development of students as they progress from children to adult learners." Allison asked to write a post about identifying abuse among students, geared toward teachers. I was very enthusiastic about the idea, and Allison has done a great job with this post.

While the article was written for teachers in a classroom setting, I believe the information she's given also applies to church leaders, youth group leaders, day care providers, sports coaches and club leaders as well--anyone in a position to teach or care for children that are not their own.

Please enjoy! And take a peek at EducationalPsychology.net as well!

A Quick Guide to Identifying Abuse Among Students

Classroom teachers are uniquely positioned to help children suffering from abuse at home. It's important to be alert to signs of abuse so students can receive the help they need. While child abuse is a sensitive subject and you may worry about intervening, by reporting suspected abuse cases you help ensure students' safety, and nothing is more important than that. To identify and report cases of abuse, you should be learn about warning signs and what the reporting requirements and procedures are for your area.

Physical signs of abuse may already be familiar to you. Unusual or unexplained injuries, such as bruising or even broken bones, should raise red flags. If a child is frequently ill or injured, this may be cause for concern. This is particularly so if a child has an illness, injury, or ailment and
has not received treatment despite parents' or guardians' knowledge of this condition.

Often abuse is reflected in terms of educational psychology, and can be seen in children's behavior. Sudden changes in behavior or academic performance are classic signs of abuse. If an outgoing student becomes withdrawn, or a particularly bright student is having trouble completing assignments or focusing, these may be signs. Abused children may be withdrawn or passive, or have learning difficulties aside from those related to specific known causes. They also may appear jumpy or on-edge. Abused children may arrive early or stay late at school or say they don't like to go home from school. These kinds of statements indicate a child doesn't consider home safe.

Parental behavior can also indicate abuse. If parents seem to think their children are wholly bad or lack redeeming qualities, this is cause for concern. Abusive parents may be emotionally distant from their children, rarely touching or speaking to them. They may refer to their children in a derogatory manner or say they don't like their child. If parents recommend unnecessarily harsh punishments or show unrealistic behavioral or academic expectations of their children, these can also be warning signs.

There are many kinds of abuse, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, and emotional maltreatment. All of the warning signs could indicate one or more of these types of abuse. If you suspect a child is being abused, the best thing you can do is to continue to provide a safe and supportive learning environment and alert authorities.

Every state has an agency charged with overseeing child welfare. If you need to report a potential abuse case, contact your state's agency or the local police. In contacting authorities, you don't need to know the specifics of when or how a child was abused, but it is helpful to have details of when you first noticed signs and why you were concerned. This kind of information can help agents assess how acute the risk to the child's safety could be.

In deciding whether or not to report a suspected case of abuse, keep in mind that you may be legally obligated to report any suspected abuse. Even if not, helping protect the children in your charge should certainly be considered a moral obligation. Taking the time to learn warning signs of child abuse and look over reporting procedures will prepare you to address potential cases among your students. While in an ideal world no students would be abused, the sad reality is that all teachers will likely encounter cases of abuse. Plan ahead, and you can help ensure the safety and well-being of your students.

Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet marketing.

Ten Years

2011-09-14T14:40:00.003-06:00

"Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings,

but they cannot

touch the foundation of America.

These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent

the steel of American resolve.

America was targeted for attack because

we are the brightest beacon for freedom

and opportunity in the world.

And no one will keep that light from shining."

President George W. Bush

September 11, 2001

Photos taken by my husband at our local healing field 2011

This post is a few days late. I have been thinking about it for awhile.

Ten years have passed.

What can I say?

I think about that day...and tears fall. My chest aches, my throat constricts.

I will never forget. NEVER. My children, as they grow, will not understand, but they will know. They didn't live through it, but they will know of it.

There is nothing to say....only everything to feel.

10 years seem like a day.

O Fortuna

2011-07-27T18:34:00.002-06:00

for the music class i'm taking i get to listen to a huge variety of music. today i listened to carl orff's "o fortuna" from carmina burana. this is a song i'm sure you've heard but not many will recognize it by name. i've heard it used in a number of movies, and really loved getting to listen to the whole thing today. it is written in latin, but i looked up the translation. it is hauntingly beautiful and i LOVE it.

Latin poem the lyrics are taken from:
O Fortuna
velut luna
statu variabilis,
semper crescis
aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurat
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem,
potestatem
dissolvit ut glaciem.

Sors immanis
et inanis,
rota tu volubilis,
status malus,
vana salus
semper dissolubilis,
obumbrata
et velata
michi quoque niteris;
nunc per ludum
dorsum nudum
fero tui sceleris.

Sors salutis
et virtutis
michi nunc contraria,
est affectus
et defectus
semper in angaria.
Hac in hora
sine mora
corde pulsum tangite;
quod per sortem
sternit fortem,
mecum omnes plangite!

English translation:
O Fortune,
like the moon
you are changeable,
always waxing
or waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.

Fate – monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
stand malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing,
shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through trickery,
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.

Fate, in health
and in virtue,
is against me,
driven on
and weighted down,
always enslaved.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating string;
since Fate
strikes down the strong man,
everyone weep with me!

Educating Our Communities is the Key to Preventing Child Sexual Abuse

2011-07-07T13:57:00.002-06:00

Introduction

Before reaching their eighteenth birthdays, one in every five girls and one in every seven boys in the United States are sexually abused. Most are abused by family members, friends, neighbors, and others who they know (Sax 24-25). In 1994, the federal government passed litigation titled The Jacob Wetterling Crimes against Children and Sexually Violent Offender Registration Act that set in motion the creation of a Sex Offender Registry in each state (DiNubile 110). Since 1994, changes have been made to this bill with the passing of “Megan’s Law” in 1996 and the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act in 2006 (“National Conference of State Legislatures,” par. 10-14). Opponents of the registry believe that providing the personal information of registered sex offenders to the public lulls them into the belief that they are safe from potential threats of sexual abuse (Freeman-Longo 117). Ignorance is the reason behind these beliefs. The best way to get the public to use the Sex Offender Registry appropriately and keep their children safe is to educate them about child sexual abuse: who potential abusers are and how to keep their children from being hurt. As parents and community members, one of the most important things we can do is maintain peace and safety within our families and neighborhoods.

The Problem of Child Sexual Abuse

Chances are, you or someone you love has been a victim of child sexual abuse. Commonly held beliefs tell us to teach our children about “stranger danger,” and what to do if someone you don’t know approaches you or tries to entice you into doing something you shouldn’t. Reality, however, is that our children face threats from the people they know, trust, and respect. Using the Sex Offender Registry is important and provides us with the names, photographs and addresses of convicted sex offenders in our neighborhoods. This information is helpful, making us aware of potential threats to our children. If your next door neighbor, for example, is a registered sex offender, you will not allow your children to spend time in their home or around your neighbor unsupervised. This reaction to the knowledge you gained by checking the registry could quite possibly save your child from being hurt. Unfortunately, this knowledge is not enough.

According to one study done by psychiatrist Gene Abel in the 1980s, child sexual abusers have only a three percent chance of getting caught (Sax 24). The Justice Department tells us that up to 96% of child sexual abusers are people our children know (Sax 25). Based on these statistics, it is even more likely that the person to abuse your child will (a) be someone you as a parent know and trust, (b) be someone your child spends a lot of time with, (c) be someone you would never suspect to be sexually abusive, and (d) have no prior convictions.

With these scary facts, how do we keep our children safe? There are a few things we can do, but the most important and far-reaching solution is to educate the general public about child sexual abuse. If they know what it is and when it can occur, then they can take the necessary steps to prevent it from happening. If we do not educate our family members, friends, and neighbors, then child sexual abuse will continue to happen. If we do not educate our children, then they will be confused and not know what to do if they are ever faced with an abusive situation.

Education Prevents Abuse from Occurring

The best way to educate the people around us is simple: talk. If you are reading this proposal, you already know how prevalent child sexual abuse is and where the threat is likely to come from. Tell your best friend. Tell your babysitter. Tell your neighbor, the people you go to church with, your child’s teacher and parents of your child’s friends and classmates. The more we talk, the more information we spread, the more likely it is that those we come into contact with will be better prepared to prevent abuse from happening to their children.

Our communities provide a number of resources to educate others. Many Departments of Corrections have printable pamphlets on their Sex Offender Registry websites that can be passed around. This pamphlet is formatted to be easily printable on one sheet, and the department asks that we take advantage of it and pass it to our civic groups, community organizations, boys and girls clubs and classrooms (“Department of Corrections, Community Awareness Fliers,” par. 1). The flier is titled “Questions About Sex Offenders in Our Communities.” While this flier refers specifically to registered sex offenders, it is good information to have.

Prevent Child Abuse USA have local groups dedicated to prevention and awareness. These groups offer classes and presentations for free, in both English and Spanish. These programs are designed to be taught in schools, families, community groups or church groups (“Prevent Child Abuse, Prevention Programs,” par. 1).

The internet provides a wealth of information. Blogs, prevention and awareness websites, news articles, YouTube videos, and a hundred other resources are available twenty four hours a day. Take thirty minutes and read a prevention article, take five and watch a YouTube video. You will be amazed at what you learn and how you can apply your knowledge to keep your children safe. Thirty minutes is worth keeping your child from a lifetime of unhappiness as a victim of child abuse. While you’re at it, take an extra five minutes and email the information to your coworkers, family and friends, and post it on your blog or Facebook page. This will provide education and awareness to countless people.

In spite of everything you do, your child may still come into contact with an abuser. Unless we keep our children locked in our homes, it is impossible to keep them from all potential threats. The best way to combat this is teach them how to handle unwanted advances from an abuser. This information is available in books, on the internet, and from community groups like Prevent Child Abuse Utah. It is important that we teach this information to even the youngest of children, usually beginning about age two or three. Tailor your teaching to their level of understanding without scaring them (Sax 51-53). For example, if you have a 3-5 year old, teach them the names of their body parts and how to distinguish between “good” and “bad” touches. Teach them how to say no to unwanted “bad” touches, and how to approach a trusted grown-up for help. Tell them that these touches may come from someone they know and love, but that it is still wrong. As they get older they will understand more and the information you provide can go into more depth. The most important part of teaching your children how to handle these situations is to talk about it frequently—and role play. Give your child the chance to practice saying no. Frequently children who have been taught about abuse but have not been given the chance to practice responding to it will become tongue-tied and freeze. Just like learning a sport or singing a song, the ability to respond appropriately requires practice and continued discussions (Cooper and King 87-110).

When hiring a babysitter, double check references. Pay attention to warning signs, even if it is nothing other than an uncomfortable feeling. If your child is spending alone time with an adult, take precautions. Talk to this adult about where they will be going and suggest a public place. Don’t allow your children to be isolated with an adult or older child. Make sure you have the opportunity to drop in—and do so. Let this person spending time with your child know you understand what abuse is. While this is extremely forward, it may be the very action that will scare a potential abuser into leaving your child alone (“Darkness to Light, Step Two,” par. 4).

The Costs and Benefits of Sharing Information

What is the cost of passing information? Absolutely nothing. A discussion with your friend or sister does not cost any money, and only ten minutes of your time. Even internet or phone use potentially costs you nothing. Both are available for free at your local library, another great source of information. The benefits are astronomical. Protecting your child, keeping them safe from predators, truly is priceless. If you choose to look at it monetarily, you will be saving thousands of dollars in medical care and therapy, court costs, and possibly even funeral costs. While extremely rare, it is possible that death may be the result of your child being sexually assaulted. In sharing the information and educating those around you, you are providing them with the same benefits. There is no reason why we as a community shouldn’t take the initiative to educate those around us.

Conclusion

Education is the key to prevention. It is what raises awareness, from the personal, family, and community levels to even broader state, national, and worldwide levels. Without accurate information, none of us is equipped to protect our children and teach them how to protect themselves from potential threats. If each of us sets a goal to talk to five people, then those five talk to another five people, etc., just think how far-reaching our words may go. Think about how many children may be saved from the terrifying experience statistics say they will endure. Together we can reduce those statistics. Together we can share knowledge and prevent child sexual abuse.

Works Cited

Cooper, Gregory M. and Michael R. King. Predators: Who They Are and How to Stop Them. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2007. Print.

Darkness to Light. “7 Steps to Protecting Our Children.” Darkness to Light: End Child Sexual Abuse. Darkness to Light, N.d. Web. 5 July 2011.

DiNubile, Suzanne D. “Community Notification Laws Protect Children From Child Molesters.” Child Abuse: Opposing Viewpoints. Ed. Louise I. Gerdes. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2003. 109-114. Print.

Freeman-Longo, Robert E. “Community Notification Laws are Unjust.” Child Abuse: Opposing Viewpoints. Ed. Louise I. Gerdes. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2003. 115-121. Print.

National Conference for State Legislatures. NCSL Summary P.L. 109-248 (HR 4472) Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006. National Conference for State Legislatures. National Conference of State Legislatures, March 2007. Web. 5 July 2011.

Sax, Robin. Predators and Child Molesters: What Every Parent Needs to Know to Keep Kids Safe. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2009. Print.

Resources

If you would like more information regarding child sexual abuse prevention and awareness, please visit these sources:

Darkness To Light

Website dedicated to educating communities about preventing child sexual abuse.

http://www.d2l.org/

National Children’s Alliance

Call the Children’s Advocacy Center nearest you for a referral to a local support group or therapist specializing in child sexual abuse. All calls are confidential and callers can remain anonymous.

1-800-239-9950

Email: info@nca-online.org

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN)

RAINN has an automated service that links callers to the nearest rape crisis center. All calls are confidential and callers can remain anonymous.

1-800-656-4673

www.rainn.org

The Sex Offender Registry Protects Our Children from Sex Offenders, Provides Important Information to Parents

2011-07-07T13:45:00.003-06:00

Introduction

In 1994, The Jacob Wetterling Crimes against Children and Sexually Violent Offender Registration Act was passed by congress (DiNubile 110). This Act required all states to establish a registry for sex offenders containing information that was to be accessible to the public. It was named after an eleven-year-old boy who was kidnapped in 1989, and who has not been found. In October of 1996, the first amendment to this act, called “Megan’s Law,” was passed. Megan Nicole Kanka, a seven-year-old girl in New Jersey, was lured into her neighbor’s home where she was brutally raped and murdered in 1994. Her neighbor had previously served time in prison on two counts of aggravated sexual assault of a child. This amendment required states to provide notification services to the general public, informing them of the addresses of convicted sex offenders. The Kanka family’s mission statement is: “Every parent should have the right to know if a dangerous sexual predator moves into their neighborhood” (Sax 37-8). By the required implementation of this act in 1997, every state had a registry. Many states placed the registries online, while others required the public to go into the local police department to obtain the list. Each state’s requirements varied; both the information collected and posted as well as the required amount of time to register was subjective (Freeman-Longo 121).

In 2006, The Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act was passed and signed by President Bush. This legislation created a national sex offender registry. It also provided uniform standards for the states to use in collecting information to put on their own registries. It created three tiers of classification for sex offenders based on their crimes. The length of time required to register and frequency of registration is determined based on which tier they are placed in. Tier three offenders who are guilty of crimes punishable of greater than one year in prison that consist of sexual abuse or sexual aggravated abuse, sexual abuse involving a minor younger than 13 years of age, kidnapping a minor (excluding kidnappers who are parents or guardians), or any offense committed after a tier two classification, are required to register for life and must register every three months. Tier two offenders are convicted of crimes punishable by greater than one year in prison and are comparable to sex trafficking, coercion and enticement, transportation with intent to engage in criminal sexual activity, abusive sexual contact, using a minor in a sexual performance, soliciting a child for use in prostitution, or creating or using child pornography, are required to register for 25 years and update their information every six months. Tier one offenses include everything not covered in tiers two and three, are required to update information once yearly and register for 15 years (“National Conference of State Legislatures,” par. 10-14). This act also dictated sentencing for offenders who are non-compliant and offers federal assistance in locating and apprehending those who fail to comply. In addition to these stipulations, the registries are now required to be put on the internet with a structure and search capabilities similar to the national registry (“NCSL,” par. 15).

Objections to the Sex Offender Registry

Opponents of the Sex Offender Registry believe that these laws are an emotional response to crime, rather than being based on research that scientifically proves that public access to this information will make a difference in correcting the problem and reducing the crime (Freeman-Longo 118). It invites further violence, sometimes to innocent people when the registries are not updated. Maintaining the data is time-consuming, overly simplistic and inadequate. Public monitoring to ensure offender compliance is not effective as states do not have the financial means to fund enough resources to implement it properly (Freeman-Longo 118). There is also a lot of debate regarding the constitutionality of the registry. Placing private information and descriptions of crimes committed online where anyone in the world can access it is unnecessary, they say. It is a punitive measure not protected by the constitution and causes discrimination in housing and employment. Another argument against the registry is that it violates the “ex post facto” clause. This clause states that once an offender is sentenced, the punishment for the crime cannot be increased. The registry, however, includes the names and information of all sex offenders, even those convicted prior to its implementation in 1997 without informing them (DiNubile 110).

Another argument used against the Sex Offender Registry states that it creates a false sense of security among the public. The nature of the law leads people to believe they are safer knowing where offenders live, while safety is more than knowing this information. Others are anxious knowing they live near offenders, and this can create panic and neighborhood-wide mayhem. The sale of a house may be difficult or even impossible if a sex offender lives nearby. Much of this is unnecessary in their opinion, especially because so many of the address posted on registries are inaccurate, because of data being entered incorrectly, an offender failing to update an address or an offender purposefully providing wrong information (Freeman-Longo 117). In releasing the address and descriptions of crimes committed, victims can also be harassed and their identities made known.

Because of the embarrassment and ostracism those opposed to the registry believe a registered offender receives, poor decisions are made. Plea-bargains are made more often in which the crime is lessened to a non-sexual one. Juvenile offenders are not reported because parents, mentors, and social workers don’t want someone so young to be placed on this list for life (Freeman-Longo 121).

The Value of the Sex Offender Registry Outweighs the Objections

I find the arguments given by those who oppose the Sex Offender Registry to be, at best, grasping at straws. The opposition states that the advent of the registry is an emotional response to crime. How is the public supposed to respond to a sex crime occurring against a child? Should we as citizens respond coldly, logically, without any kind of emotion? When a child is raped, fondled, or forced into a sexual adult situation without their consent, parents are going to be angry. It is impossible to remove emotion from that kind of a situation. The Sex Offender Registry is not designed to prevent future crimes, nor does it imply that any registered offender will reoffend (Grafman, par.1). Every registry in the country is required to list several disclaimers. The State Sex Offender Registry says: “The information contained on this site does not imply listed individuals will commit a specific type of crime in the future, nor does it imply that if a future crime is committed by a listed individual what the nature of that crime may be and the Department makes no representation as to any offender's likelihood of re-offending” (“Department of Corrections,” par. 5). If a crime is prevented, that’s great—but not the purpose of the registry. In reality, if I am aware that a member of my church congregation is a registered sex offender, I’m never going to allow my child to be alone with him, and I will inform others within the congregation of the dangers posed to their children. Will this prevent a crime from occurring? In the case of my child, it is likely that it will. Will he abuse someone else’s child? Perhaps. Statistics may say otherwise, but when you look on a personal level, the truth is that my knowledge may have prevented my child from being hurt.

Vigilante justice is a concern, but in comparison to our children’s safety it is a minor issue (DiNubile 113). In my opinion it is not “caused” by the Sex Offender Registry. Who is more likely to commit a crime against an offender: a random person who accessed the registry, or the family and friends of one of his victims? The offender will already be known to the victim’s family, and his address and other personal information is accessible via the internet or phone book. If a person is afraid of retaliation, harassment and ostracism, they shouldn’t have sexually abused a child to begin with. In addition to the disclaimer regarding future crimes and prevention, state registries also address harassment and vigilante justice. Each state has a law that says something like this: “Members of the public are not allowed to use the information [in the registry] to harass or threaten offenders or members of their families; and harassment, stalking, or threats against offenders or their families are prohibited and doing so may violate criminal laws” (“DC, ” par. 7).

Prior to the passing of the Adam Walsh Act in 2006, the financial burden of maintaining the Sex Offender Registry and enforcing compliance fell on the states (Freeman-Longo 116). This act, however, provided several federal grants to states to assist in maintaining the program, including funds for local law enforcement, website programmers, and data entry personnel. The government also provides aid from federal law enforcement agencies to assist in locating and apprehending non-compliant, dangerous sex offenders (“NCSL,” par. 16). I would prefer that my taxes be used for the protection of my children, instead of paying for bonuses for legislators or other frivolous items.

Time and again our great nation’s Supreme Court has upheld the constitutionality of the Sex Offender Registry. In 2002, the Supreme Court reviewed a decision made by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals regarding an Alaskan Sex Offender Registration Statute. The Ninth Circuit stated that the “punitive” statute violated the “ex post facto” clause of the Constitution, saying that requiring offenders who were convicted prior to the creation of the registry should not have to be included. The Ninth Circuit stated that providing this information on the internet does not limit dissemination to those to whom the offender may be of concern, as the information can reach anyone in the world. This is beyond what is necessary to promote public safety, they said, and exposes registrants to personal and professional damage and worldwide ostracism (DiNubile 113). A similar case in Utah that appeared before the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals was handled in an entirely different matter. The Tenth Circuit states that internet notification represents a technical extension, not a “sea change,” in our nation’s history. They stated that the farther removed a person is from an offender’s community, the less likely they will have an interest in accessing the information. The Tenth circuit states that the registry is not punitive, a decision upheld by the Supreme Court (DiNubile 109-110). In reviewing the Alaska case, Smith v. Doe, the Supreme Court decided that requiring an offender to register with the state does not extend a sentence because the registration itself is non-punitive. Because the registry states that harassment is illegal, the offender is not being punished. In a similar case titled Connecticut Department of Public Safety v. Doe, the Supreme Court stated that registration is not a deprivation of liberty. They also determined that an assessment of an offender’s current threat of danger is not necessary prior to registration (Rowan 74).

Opponents of the registry state that the information provided to the public lulls them into a false sense of safety, then turn around and say the information causes community-wide panic and terror (Freeman-Longo 120). How can one feel both safe and terrorized? Logically this does not make sense. If the public does, in fact, believe themselves and their children to be safe simply knowing where an offender lives, then they need to be educated. There are countless resources online, in print, and from local law enforcement and child protection agencies that can be easily accessed twenty-four hours a day to provide such information. It is easy to understand that registered sex offenders are not the only threats, and that most offenders have not been caught. It is also easy to understand that most threats come from family and friends, acquaintances and neighbors. If the public is informed of these facts, they will not believe just knowing a registered offender’s location will keep their children safe. Education is the key to preventing panic as well.

As of 2002, there were more than 700 (46%) of registered sex offenders in St. Louis, Missouri who did not live at the addresses posted on the registry, while approximately 285 offenders released from prison never made it on the list at all (Freeman-Longo 119-120). Those who do not agree with the registry use this type of information to fuel their arguments, stating that misinformation is damaging to the public. I agree that misinformation is not acceptable, and so does the federal government. The Adam Walsh Act of 2006 provides assistance in making sure the information is correct by offering aid to state and local law enforcement agencies (“NCSL,” par. 16). There are standards that must be maintained by the state in order to receive federal grants, which provides increased motive to make sure the information is as accurate as possible. We as citizens also have a responsibility to provide any knowledge we have to the state in maintaining accurate information. If you are aware of a non-compliant offender, report it. If you live in a home whose address is listed on the registry but you are not an offender, report it. If you are a victim or family member of an offender and he or she is not in compliance, take the initiative and provide the information to the authorities. I have done it more than once. A victim of sexual abuse myself, I keep tabs on my abuser. Twice in the last five years he has not been compliant. Because the offender is a member of my extended family, it is easy for me to access accurate information about his place of residence. Having reported this information to the local Department of Corrections, they were able to locate him and update the information on the state’s registry. As a parent, I frequently check the registry for sex offenders in my neighborhood. I am a resident at a large apartment complex. This complex runs background checks on all residents and excludes any type of convicted felon from living here—especially sex offenders. Last year, in checking the registry, there was an offender listed in the building next to my own. I contacted management, who determined that the offender in question did not live at that address but in a different city. He had illegally listed the address of a relative as his own. This was reported to law enforcement, and they were able to locate him and correct the false information he provided.

In response to the argument that offenders are afraid of being ostracized, I say, “so what?” If they are so afraid of the repercussions of the crimes they committed, they should have made the decision not to offend in the first place. In our society sexually abusing a child is abhorred in every degree. Within prisons, child molesters are on the bottom of the totem pole and often persecuted by other inmates (Rowan 59). With this knowledge being so prevalent, it is possible to decide to keep your hands to yourself and avoid sexually abusing a child. Convicted felons of other crimes lose certain rights (such as the right to vote and the right to bear arms), so why should convicted child molesters maintain the “right” to be accepted into society? If I am aware that a person may pose a potential threat to my children, I will certainly not extend him the “right” to my respect or acceptance. Suzanne DiNubile, author of “Community Notification Laws Protect Children from Child Molesters,” believes that the ostracism or scorn felt by an offender stems from his own shame. She quotes the Third Circuit court in their statement that “the ‘sting’ [of having to be registered] results from the dissemination of accurate public record information about their past criminal activities.” She believes that if this shame is an obstacle in the offender’s life, they should seek counseling, just as their victims must in order to lead a normal life. She states that there is no obligation for the state to keep public information inaccessible just to prevent an offender from feeling victimized (DiNubile 111). All of this information is a matter of public record anyway, whether it is put on a registry or not. With the internet, information is at the tip of our fingers. I could find any number of resources including court, law enforcement and correctional facility records that contain public information regarding all offenses committed. Websites containing personal addresses and phone numbers are easy to come by. If you don’t want to use the internet, visit the jail, walk into the police department, or find a phone book. This information is accessible; the only difference is that the registry makes the search for information faster and more convenient. It provides citizens with a tool to protect our children. Potential registration and embarrassment resulting from it facilitates a deterrent against sex crimes. Because the internet can also be used as a means to commit a crime against a child, law enforcement must keep up and use technology as an offense tactic (DiNubile 114).

Conclusion

It is easy to see that the value of the Sex Offender Registry far outweighs the objections to it. Vital information about potential dangerous threats to our children is far more important than a convicted sex offender’s concern about having their address and photo listed on the internet. The opportunity to prevent a horrific crime from occurring is more important than an offender feeling ostracized or ashamed because the details of their crimes are available to the public in a readily accessible way. The registry may not be perfect, but its importance is recognized by all branches of our government—Congress by passing the original bills, the President by signing and approving them, and the Supreme Court by continuing to uphold the importance and constitutionality of the legislation. As a parent, I will do everything in my power to protect my children from harm, including regularly using my state’s registry and educating my children on the dangers of sexual predators. Won’t you?

Works Cited

Berenzweig, Sally. “Fighting Child Abuse With Books.” Your PBC. Your PBC, 12 April 2011. Web. 4 July 2011.

Freeman-Longo, Robert E. “Community Notification Laws are Unjust.” Child Abuse: Opposing Viewpoints. Ed. Louise I. Gerdes. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2003. 115-121. Print.

Grafman, Jared. “Sex Offender Registry Designed to Inform Public.” The Maneater: The Student Voice of MU. The Maneater Student Newspaper, 7 February 2011. Web. 4 July 2011.

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Sex Offenders: History. National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, 2011. Web. 3 July 2011.

National Conference for State Legislatures. NCSL Summary P.L. 109-248 (HR 4472) Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006. National Conference for State Legislatures. National Conference of State Legislatures, March 2007. Web. 3 July 2011.

Operation Awareness. Keeping Your Kids Safe. Operation Awareness. N.P., N.D. Web. 4 July 2011.

Rowan, Edward L. Understanding Child Sexual Abuse. Jackson, MS: University Press of Mississippi, 2006. Print.

Sax, Robin. Predators and Child Molesters: What Every Parent Needs to Know to Keep Kids Safe. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2009. Print.

Child Sexual Abusers: Pedophiles, Opportunists, Molesters, and Predators How Understanding Their Behavior Can Prevent Abuse from Occurring

2011-06-29T15:15:00.003-06:00

This is a report I wrote this week for a communications class I am taking. I learned a lot of good information while writing it and thought that it was worth sharing. It's long...but worth the read, I hope!
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Child Sexual Abusers: Pedophiles, Opportunists, Molesters, and Predators

How Understanding Their Behavior Can Prevent Abuse from Occurring

Abstract

Child sexual abusers are a prevalent part of our society. In order to protect our children and prevent their victimization, it is necessary for us to understand potential abusers: who they are, how they behave, where they are located and why they molest and assault children. Through the course of research, I have outlined the basic profile of a child sexual abuser, including their characteristics, patterns of offense, and treatment. Finally, I have outlined how this information can aid us in preventing future victimization from occurring.

Introduction

Before delving into the criminal mind of a child abuser, it is necessary to understand what child sexual abuse is and its prevalence in our society.

Definition

There is not a single definition of what constitutes sexual abuse of a child. Legal experts define it as “any act that violates penal code.” Psychologists define it as “any act in which an adult takes advantage of a child for sexual gratification” (Sax 25; Schwartz-Kenny, McCauley, and Epstein 245). Child sexual abuse can take on several forms. The first form is what is termed sexual assault. This includes any physical act performed on a child or that a child is forced to perform: rape, sodomy, fondling, oral sex, etc. The second, sexual molestation, which includes other inappropriate sexual behavior: watching a child undress, exposing oneself to a child, explicit talk, etc. The third form is sexual exploitation: exposing children to or using them in the creation of pornography, selling children into prostitution rings, using them for some kind of personal advancement and financial profit, etc. (Sax 26-27).

In order for something to be deemed sexual abuse, both of the following criteria must be met: first, that the offender is an adult, or significantly older than the victim, or in a position of trust; second, that the offender uses the child in any way for sexual stimulation or gratification (Sax 25).

Prevalence

The occurrence of child abuse across all realms (physical, verbal, neglectful, sexual) is vastly underreported. Of all types of abuse, however, sexual abuse is the most underreported, both in victim disclosure and in collecting reliable data from the offenders themselves (Sax 23-24). The bulk of the statistics we currently have come from criminal cases. Over one million cases of serious child abuse are reported every year (Mead and Westgate B-3). According to one study done by psychiatrist Gene Abel in the 1980s, pedophiles have only a three percent chance of getting caught. Bearing this in mind, it is easy to see how unreliable current statistics may be.

There are other causes for unreliability in reported numbers. Each state has different laws pertaining to child sexual abuse. Under these laws, variation in acts and behaviors considered criminal cause a discrepancy in reporting. Something that may be classified as aggravated assault in the state of Utah may be classified as something else in Nevada. As such, complete numbers may not make it to a statistical information bank. Prior to 2000, when the Department of Justice began collecting statistical data on a national level, numbers were collected by local police departments. There was no uniform standard on keeping statistics, and only a few specific acts were identified and reported, most notably forcible rape, forcible sodomy, forcible fondling, and sexual assault with an object.

Offenders, once caught, are unreliable with their information. Victims are reluctant to disclose the full truth of what occurred, or cannot, due to memory lapses or blockages. Many victims never report the abuse, for several reasons, usually fear of the abuser and his/her threats, guilt, shame, fear of not being believed, fear of breaking up their family, among others.

Reports that come from false allegations also play a role on the reliability of these statistics.

From a 2007 report from the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (Sax 24-25), the following can be said of child sexual abuse in the United States:

· 1 in 5 girls will be molested prior to their 18^th birthday
· 1 in 6 boys will be molested prior to their 18^th birthday
· 1 in 7 reported victims are children under the age of six
· 40% of offenders who molested children under the age of six where under the age of 18
· 2 out of every 3 abuse cases involve victims who are teenagers or young children
· An estimated 20% of all children in the US receive unwanted sexual messages—75% of these never tell
· There are 400,000 new victims of sexual assault each year
· Currently, there are 550,000 registered sex offenders in the US. Each year more than 100,000 of them fail to register
· 76% of serial rapists claim they were molested as children
· 40% of male juvenile delinquents report being molested as children
· Nearly 90% of all sexual abuse perpetrators are family members, friends or neighbors, people the child knows and trusts.

Other statistics from various studies show that 80-98% of all prison inmates were either physically or sexually abused in their childhood. 60 to 80% of people being treated for alcohol and drug problems were abused or molested as children (Mead and Westgate B-3). Many studies estimate that the numbers of children who are molested is higher than the FBI’s report with rates being closer to 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 4 boys molested prior to their 18^th birthdays.

Importance

The ultimate goal is to keep sexual abuse from happening. Realistically this is not likely, perhaps not even possible. What is realistic, however, is that by educating ourselves and our children, we can lessen its prevalence and make perpetrating the crime more difficult for the offender. How are we to prevent abuse occurring if we do not understand why it occurs, where it occurs, how it occurs, and who is committing the crime? If we understand the criminal, if we can predict his behaviors, it becomes easier to stop his crime.

Methods

I have used several sources in researching this topic. First, several print sources, most written by educated experts in the field of child sexual abuse: psychiatrists, district attorneys, police investigators, etc. I have also used several government websites for statistical data. In addition to these sources, I have used my own empirical knowledge, as I have been involved in anti-child abuse campaigns for several years. I am personally a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and as such, have a unique view on this topic. I have been able to draw upon my own experiences in court proceedings, therapy, the process of abuse and my personal relationship to my abuser and his tendencies.

I began by drawing upon my own experience, asking myself, what about my own situation can be applied to most sexual abuse cases? As a survivor, what do I feel is important to teach others about potential threats to themselves and their children? After brainstorming my thoughts and feelings, I created a basic outline and moved forward with researching outside information.

My first step in research was searching the local library system. I was pleased to find so many applicable print sources available for my use. I read several of them cover to cover, taking notes on relevant information. The others I skimmed and used the index to cross-reference pertinent facts. I made use of internet searches to verify statistical information from print sources and find articles published by many of the experts referenced, continuing to take notes.

After completing my preliminary research, I read through my notes several times, tying similar topics together and planning the basis of my report and the order in which I will present information.

While attempting to be as objective as possible, I recognize that I have some bias when it comes to this topic. As a childhood victim, dealing with the harsh realities of having been sexually abused by a close family member, I have beliefs, feelings, and experiences that sway my opinion of perpetrators. The stage at which I find myself in the healing process does, however, lend itself toward objectivity and the ability to look at the facts rather than at my emotional response to them.

Results

Types of Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrators

When speaking of a person who sexually abuses children, most people use the term “pedophile.” Not all people who sexually abuse children, however, are pedophiles.

The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (better known as the DSM-IV), categorizes pedophilia as a paraphilia, which is characterized by recurrent and intense sexual urges and fantasies under deviant circumstances. While an ephebophile is attracted to pubescent and early adolescent children, pedophiles are attracted to prepubescent children (Rowan 3). The DSM-IV defines the criteria for pedophilia as follows:

1. The person, over a period of at least 6 months, has a recurrence of intense, sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behavior involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally age 13 years or younger).

2. The person acts on these urges, or they create distress or difficulty in his life.

3. The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child or children in Criterion A (Sax 28).

A pedophile is typically not deemed as such until he has been caught and convicted. These people can have either a permanent or temporary (for at least longer than six months) desire to have sex with children. There are several types of pedophiles.

First, the fixated pedophile. These people begin acting out at approximately age 13. At this point, the abuse is typically not thought of as criminal, but if it is caught, it provides the best chance for identification, testing, and treatment. Most fixated pedophiles think of children as their friends. They don’t see their actions as abuse, but rather a way of providing “special favors” and playing games. Most do not have adult sexual relationships, typically because of a fear of rejection. This person uses careful planning, victimizes more than one child, and purposefully places himself in a position where he has access to a lot of children.

Second, the regressed pedophile. Generally, these people live normal lives and develop at a normal rate. A year prior to the onset of pedophilia, they encounter something upsetting: a divorce, a job loss, death, etc. Typically their relationships are poor, they have no prior record and are well-thought of in the community. They like children and often have their own. They begin spending more time with children looking for comfort. They use their authority and power to threaten their victims. They are possessive, jealous, restrictive, and because of their intense fear of exposure, reinforces threats on a frequent basis. Regressed pedophiles begin with one victim but quickly expand.

Third, the undifferentiated pedophile. This type of pedophile cares only about their own sexual gratification, not who gives it to them. Typically they kidnap and hold hostage their victims. They have no gender or age preferences. The undifferentiated pedophile is sexually confused and a sexual misfit. Often their abuse includes torture and ends in the death of their victim (Mead and F-5).

In addition to the pedophile there is the opportunist. An opportunist is not necessarily a pedophile. They sexually abuse children, but also maintain interest in sex with partners of their own age. Generally there is not a fixation for children, and usually this type of abuser is an incest offender, abusing their own children. Often the abuse occurs only once (Sax 29-30).

Child Molesters are abusers who touch their victims sexually (usually fondling) but do not use penetration. This can occur over or under clothing. Flashing, showing a child pornography, or lewd dialogue are all types of molestation (Sax 30).

A stressed molester has no prior history of abuse and no clinical indication of re-offense. They abuse a victim once or twice in a short period of time. This abuse is based on extremes of stress rather than a real attraction to sex with a child (Mead and Westgate F-6).

The term predator is often applied to perpetrators. This is a term of numbers, not necessarily of behaviors. An offender is deemed a predator if they have offended multiple times with either one victim or with multiple victims (Sax 31).

Female Sex Offenders rarely act on their own. Most offended with a dominant male partner who instigated the abuse. Usually they suffered from significant emotional or intellectual impairment (Rowan 14). Of those who do abuse on their own, many use their own children in a non-threatening lover role for comfort, as a means of exploring their own naïve sexual curiosity, or prostituting their children for monetary gain (Mead and Westgate F-9-11).

Predisposition to Pedophilia or Sexual Abuse

Child sexual abuse occurs across all ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. There are no consistent physical or psychological traits among perpetrators. The only difference, it seems, is how each ethnic group responds to the abuse—not in its occurrence.

Generally speaking, most abusers have common personality traits. Many come from rigid religious backgrounds, suffer from depression, are isolated as children, have an inability to relate to adults, and may lack common social skills. They also have a history of inappropriate social behavior and believe themselves to be entitled to certain privileges. It is believed that most were abused themselves as children, physically, verbally, or sexually. Many also have poor impulse control, unusual arousal patterns, and an obsessive need for control. In some cases drugs and alcohol play a role (Sax 40, 45; Mead and Westgate F-5).

Many perpetrators appear to be the opposite of what we believe dangerous predators should look like. Because they are often friends, family members and neighbors, they are regular-looking people, probably well-liked and charismatic. They look and act nice, so we don’t suspect that they aren’t. In reality, this is a façade and a trap to attract children (Cooper and King 87).

Biologically, there are a few theorized traits: lower than expected intelligence, a tendency to be left-handed, increased prolactin levels within the brain, and an association with a temporal lobe disorder. There has not been enough research, however, to provide a definitive estimation. This would require neuroimaging studies of large populations (Rowan 82).

In one study done on homosexual men, it is suggested that birth order may play a role statistically in sexual preferences. There have been some analogical comparisons with sexual deviancy (pedophilia) based on the results of this study. In a phenomena called maternal immunoreactivity, maternal antibodies disrupt neurohormonal development crucial for sexual differentiation within the brain of a male fetus. If a woman has had multiple male children, the antibodies build up and increase with each pregnancy. It is said that if gender preference in sexual activity can be disrupted, why not age preference? Some other unrelated studies show that there is a preponderance of convicted male pedophiles with older brothers (Rowan 82).

Another association made has been the occurrence of reported head injuries prior to the age of thirteen. It is unknown if subtle brain damage as a result of these injuries may increase the risk of pedophilia (Rowan 83). Some believe there is a genetic or neurophysiologic predisposition, although this has not been proven (Rowan 5).

Characteristics of an Abuser

The vast majority of child sexual abusers target victims they know. Some reports say only 4-7% of abusers target strangers (Rowan 22). They not only have a preexisting relationship with the child, they also have access to them, authority over them and the trust of both the parent and the child. They tend to spend an unusual amount of time with children, even seeking jobs where they will be around them frequently. Often they will give suspicious presents or do favors for their targeted victims. Perpetrators can live anywhere, and there may even be one in your own family.

In a study performed at the University of New Hampshire in the 1980s, Drs. Araji and Finkelhor created a model to explain the dynamics of child sexual abuse. They came up with four elements that must be present for abuse to occur (Rowan 6).

One, sexual arousal. Sigmund Freud came up with the expression polymorphous perverse to describe the sexual urges we all have. These urges become associated with what is happening around us. In classic behavioral conditioning, events we experience paired with our urges can be interpreted as “turn-ons.” Given the right circumstances, anyone can be aroused by anyone or anything. Potentially, we all have “deviant arousal patterns,” but choose not to act on them (Rowan 3). Studies that monitor sexual arousal show that many adolescents and adults respond sexually to images of children as well as adults. The potential for sexual arousal when looking at a child is greater than we might imagine, but is only a problem when it leads to involvement with an unwilling participant. The primary interest of pedophiles is children. They do not respond to a broad range of stimuli like most “deviant” adults (whether they act upon the stimuli or not). To the pedophile, his arousal to children feels natural and they wonder how people can be aroused in any other way. They recognize that others do not approve but it does not influence their urges.

Two, emotional congruence. Most adults who are sexually attracted to children try to relate to them as equals. It is comforting and satisfying to them to act like a child. There are several explanations for this, including developmental delays, immaturity, chronic low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. It is easier for them to relate to children than to adults.

Three, blockage. The lack of a committed relationship with another adult, or one without a sexual relationship, is common with most pedophiles. Failure to establish a positive adult relationship may lead to seeking one with a child. Some abusers maintain sexual relationships with other adults for show while continuing to see sexual gratification from children.

Four, disinhibition. Basically, this means that the abuser’s desire to have sex with children is not controlled. There can be several reasons for this: cultural or family rules that do not prohibit such contact, lack of bonding with an infant (absent parent, step-parent, etc.), poor impulse control, mental illness, drug or alcohol intoxication, or acute stress situations (Rowan 7-8).

Patterns of Abuse

“Incest” is a term used to describe sexual abuse that occurs between family members. Dr. Edward Rowan, author of Understanding Child Sexual Abuse, prefers the term “intrafamilial sexual abuse.” He believes that the authority and trust that come with family relationships are more important factors than the biological relationship between victim and abuser (Rowan 12). The dynamics of sexual abuse within a family is just as varied as outside of a family setting. One important factor is the lack of a nurturing or protective bond. It is often the result of a controlling, dominating father figure who feels entitled. The sexual abuse of a child is often part of a larger cycle of abuse, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse of the mother and other siblings. Sometimes the child takes the place of a mother who is emotionally or physically unavailable to the father. Abusers often blame the child, pledge them to secrecy and use threats to enforce it (Rowan 12-13).

Most cases of incest begin between the ages of four and nine. Children at this age are more compliant and believe what is happening to them is a show of affection. They are more susceptible to threats or bribes. The abuser exploits their loyalty, their need for affection, their desire to please and their trust. It usually consists of fondling, oral sex, or anal penetration, as vaginal penetration is difficult prior to age 12. Incest abuse usually ends at age 14-15, when more force is required to maintain the victim’s compliance (Rowan 23).

Abuse occurring outside a family setting follows a typical pattern. The perpetrator places himself in a role where he can be close to the child: a coach, a club leader, a teacher, a member of a church. They typically choose a potential victim who is vulnerable or needy. They lull the child into a sense of ease, gaining their trust and the trust of the victim’s parent. This process is called “grooming.” With the parent’s trust, and in choosing a child that may be more prone to lying, they effectively set the stage for a child who reports the abuse to be disbelieved. They use everyday behavior to test the child’s likelihood of telling: a lingering touch on the arm, an “accidental” fondling, a kiss on the lips rather than the cheek. Based on the child’s reaction, the abuse will progress to more serious actions (Sax 40; Rowan 26; Briggs 67).

The abuse itself generally takes place somewhere the abuser has access—the opportunity to be with a child. It is also a private place, where there is a low chance of witnesses or discovery, often cars, homes, or locked rooms (Sax 42). Most serial predators are very careful and organized in the earlier years of their pedophilia. Later, they tend to lose patience and fail to plan. They become overconfident in their ability to “get away” with the crime, and their perversions become too powerful to control (Cooper and King 87).

As far as how many victims a perpetrator may have, statistical profiles are extremely unreliable. The number of convictions is not a good measure, as most go undetected and some are plea-bargained to a lesser, non-sexual crime. According to a study done in 1990 at the New Hampshire State Prison, the average number of victims incarcerated there for both incest and outside child sexual abuse perpetrators is twenty. Three percent had more than one hundred. One unique study performed by Dr. Gene Abel in 1985 of New York City men anonymously collected data about their crimes. While the truth of these claims is uncertain, the information indicated that heterosexual pedophiles (not incest perpetrators) averaged 120 “average or attempted molestations” while homosexual pedophiles averaged 205 victims (Rowan 27-28).

Treatment Provided

In 1985, Abel created a treatment plan at Columbia University designed for sex offenders. He provided five steps: correct cognitive distortions, provide sex education, promote social skills, decrease deviant arousal, and increase non-deviant arousal. While all treatment plans currently include these steps, they are not always in the same order and do not always have the same emphasis placed upon them (Rowan 57).

Offenders often see the world with different eyes and have distorted views. As a group, they avoid sexual encounters with adults because they are or for fear of appearing inadequate. They lack social skills and cannot deal with strong emotions like anger or the need for comfort appropriately. In treatment, their deviant arousal patterns are identified: stimuli, emotions, and circumstances that are associated with episodes of abuse. Here, steps are taken to extinguish it. These steps can potentially be punitive. The most difficult step of the process is to increase non-deviant arousal. Many pedophiles cannot change this, but can learn not to act on it (Rowan 57)

After being convicted, the majority of sex offenders are sentenced to time in a correctional facility. They are often on the lowest ring of prison hierarchy. Being in this position means that they are frequently abused themselves by other inmates. Participation in treatment is an incentive for early release, and is appealing (Rowan 59).

These treatment programs are long-term (at least several months) and occur in group settings, where they are most effective. Peer pressure and group interaction influences change. Most programs are selective. Requirements include a commitment to long-term treatment, adjustment within the institution, the absence of psychopathology, and an open admission that they recognize the severity of their problem and the truthfulness of the victim’s claims (Rowan 59).

Once admitted to the program, the patient signs a treatment contract, in which he agrees to abide by the rules and commits to changing his behavior. Failure to progress or infractions result in termination from the program. The patient completes a psychological history and testing. There are also two other types of tests performed.

The first is the polygraph test, often referred to as a “lie detector.” This test does not actually measure truth or lies, but rather the level of internal response under stress. In this case, it measures the response to the denial or admission of guilt and assessing the overall validity of the perpetrator’s history of offenses. The second test is called the penile plethysmograph, or the “phallometer.” This test measures penile tumescence through a strain gauge. The test measures the response to a range of visual and auditory stimuli, including slides of male, female, old, and young subjects. It also includes slides containing images of varying degrees of sexual force and seduction as well as images of consenting adults. Mixed into these slides are neutral controls, usually images of landscapes. While the results of this test can confirm or deny true objects of arousal, and serial testing can monitor progress, the results are not valid enough to use in a court proceeding (Rowan 60).

The first phase of treatment involves a group process. Here, the individual is brought to an awareness of why the offense occurred. They learn about the effects of their abuse, which is illustrated through videos, discussions, and confrontations from adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Sometimes other issues are addressed for offenders who were abused themselves, need help with their social skills, or require Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or Sex Addicts Anonymous. They also use books and workbooks. Depression and mood disturbances are addressed through various pharmaceuticals. Individual therapy occurs between a single patient and a therapist.

The second phase is a continuation of the first with the addition of specific group therapies: anger management, self-esteem development, stress management, and sex education. Individual work is done on arousal patterns. Patients often keep a “fantasy diary,” in which they monitor their thoughts. They learn behavior techniques to extinguish deviant fantasies. These include:

· Covert sensitization: the patient mentally pairs the deviant fantasy with an image of arrest or humiliation

· Aversive conditioning: the subject of the fantasy is paired with actual noxious stimulus. Rotten meat, ammonia, or electric shock are often used.

· Masturbation satiation: the patient is asked to masturbate quickly to completion. They are then asked to continue masturbating to the fantasy for 20 or 30 minutes. Due to the refractory period following an orgasm, masturbation with unresponsive genitalia is frustrating and extinguishes the power of the fantasy. This method is especially controversial, as in some cases it can backfire and reinforce the fantasy. Another method is asking the patient to replace the deviant fantasy with an appropriate one prior to masturbation. This is difficult to control because the patient may or may not choose to actually do so.

Family therapy is introduced during this phase. Families and spouses attend therapy to understand the offender’s dynamics, learn how to protect their children, and provide support during treatment.

During the third phase, treatment continues and patients take on more responsibility. They mentor new arrivals, lead self-help groups and place emphasis on healthy relationships and relapse prevention in individual therapy. At the conclusion of the program, the abuser should accept responsibility for their actions, be able to recite the cycle of feelings, thoughts and behaviors that precede offenses, control their urges and recognize the need for ongoing treatment (Rowan 60-64).

Potential Re-Offense

Is there a “cure” for pedophilia or a tendency to sexually abuse children? Most therapists say no (Sax 166). Treatment has a theoretical basis, and probably doesn’t work. The rate of re-offense is the same for those who are treated as it is for those who are not. 1 out of every 5 convicted sex offender re-offends. Some say that treatment may actually increase the risk, because it releases the offender into society sooner (Rowan 65). Recidivism is most associated with abusers who target male victims, younger children, have multiple and/or extrafamilial victims, use sadistic behavior, have pro-offending attitudes, and a lack of intimate relationships (Rowan 64). Sex offenders have a higher rate of recidivism than those convicted of any other offense. One extensive study done by the Department of Justice in 1994 showed that “compared to non-sex offenders released from State prisons, released sex offenders were four times more likely to be rearrested for a sex crime” (Sax 37).

Discussion

How do we apply this information in our families and communities? Several years ago, I came across an organization called “Darkness to Light.” This organization is dedicated to educating adults on the dangers of child sexual abuse and how to help prevent it. Their website contains a printable pamphlet and programs that can be used in our communities. I have shared this information with many people and have found it to be valuable and well-written. All of the information I have learned regarding the characteristics of pedophiles and child sexual abusers apply to this program. The steps are as follows:

1. Learn the Facts. Based on the statistics provided in the Introduction section of this report, it is highly likely that you know a child who is being or has been abused. Realities, not trust, should influence the decisions you make regarding your children. As my research has shown, the vast majority of potential threats come close from someone close to you: a clergy member, a scout leader, a swim coach, the next door neighbor, or the babysitter—even a cousin, sibling, parent, a spouse/significant other or your own child. Do not deny a potential threat, no matter how much you want to trust them.

In addition to learning the facts, research convicted sex offenders in your neighborhood. In 1994, seven-year-old Megan Nicole Kanka was lured into her neighbor’s home where she was sexually abused and murdered. Their neighbor had been convicted twice of child sexual assault. Following this incident, a law called “Megan’s Law” was passed in which every state is required to maintain a list of convicted sex offenders. It is intended to track offenders and keep the public informed. In spite of some controversy surrounding this registration, it has been determined in several court cases that the protection of children and prevention of future victims is more important than minor infringements upon an individual’s rights (Sax 37; Rowan 73). Frequently checking this registration and being aware of the very real threat can prevent abuse from occurring. Educate your family and neighbors of the threat, and print out the photo of the offender so he can be recognized easily.

2. Minimize Opportunity. Predators look for privacy and isolation. By eliminating situations in which one adult is alone with one child, you will be minimizing the opportunity for a potential abuse situation. This includes access older youth have to younger children. Group settings are always best. One-on-one time with a trusted adult can be positive and help build a child’s self-esteem. There are things we can do to keep these interactions positive and safe. Request that the activity take place in a setting where others can witness it. Get the specific plans for the outing from the adult, and discuss what happened with your child when they come home. Find a way to be direct with the adult and let them know that both you and your child are educated when it comes to sexual abuse.

3. Talk About It. Children often keep abuse a secret out of fear, guilt, and confusion. Predators threaten them, coerce them, and make them feel that they will be in trouble if they report the abuse. By breaking down communication barriers with your child, you will increase the likelihood that they will approach you. Teach your children about their bodies and how to protect it. Talk to them about potential threats in an age-appropriate way. Start early and continue discussing the subject with them. Be proactive. If something seems wrong, talk to your child about it. Cultivating an atmosphere in which your children can approach you to discuss any subject without fear of punishment provides better opportunity for disclosure of abuse. One survey showed that only 30% of parents talk to their kids about sexual abuse, and even then most failed to mention that a potential abuser may be a friend or family member. Talk to other adults about child sexual abuse. In doing this, you are raising awareness in your community and putting potential abusers on alert.

4. Stay Alert. Don’t expect obvious signs that abuse is occurring. Often signs are there, but they are difficult to identify. Physical signs are not common, while behavioral changes are. Some children do not exhibit signs. Contacting a local children’s advocacy center can help you identify indications that abuse has occurred.

5. Make A Plan. If abuse does occur, learn where to go and how to act. Don’t overreact, and stay calm. Offer support to the child and never tell them that you don’t believe them. Always act on the assumption that the child is telling the truth. There are two agencies you can contact: local law enforcement or Child Protective Services. (In some states, including Utah, it is the Division of Child and Family Services).

6. Act on Suspicions. By acting on suspicions of abuse, you are not only helping that child but possibly protecting countless others. Trust your instincts and don’t allow fear to stop you. If you don’t know where to go, contact a child abuse hotline, children’s advocacy center, local rape crisis center or other local community agencies.

7. Get Involved. Be active in promoting awareness and prevention in your community. Education is the key to preventing abuse. Being aware that a potential threat can come from anyone, when are where it is likely to occur and to whom, you are in a position of power. Teaching others these facts will benefit our community. Support anti-child abuse legislature. Get involved by donating to or volunteering at local crisis centers and advocacy groups.

Conclusions

Sex offenders are a very real, very dangerous threat. They are a part of every class of people, ethnic and cultural group, and organization. Understanding the psychology and behavioral patterns of child sexual predators provides us with a basis of knowledge that can aid in preventing further incidents of abuse.

Abusers are usually depicted as scary people but often appear as the opposite. These men and women are charming, personable, and know how to gain your trust and access to your children. By being aware of who is around you child, where they are and teaching them how to respond in these situations, it is possible to eliminate potential threatening situations. Since all potential situations for abuse cannot be avoided, understanding the threats perpetrators use can help you speak to your child and take appropriate actions if abuse has occurred.

Works Cited

Abel, Gene, et. al. “Self-Reported Sex Crimes of Nonincarcerated Paraphiliacs.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence. Sage Publications, 1987. Web. 28 June 2011.

Abel, Gene, et. al. “The Nature and Extent of Sexual Assault.” APA PsycNet. American Psychological Association, 1990. Web. 28 June 2011.

Administration for Children and Families. “Perpetrators by Relationship to Victims and Selected Types of Maltreatment.” U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2004. Web. 28 June 2011.

Briggs, Steven. Criminology for Dummies. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley Publishing, Inc., 2009. Print.

Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Long-Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect.” U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2008. Web. 28 June 2011.

Cooper, Gregory M. and Michael R. King. Predators: Who They Are and How to Stop Them. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2007. Print.

Darkness to Light. “7 Steps to Protecting Our Children.” Darkness to Light: End Child Sexual Abuse. Darkness to Light, N.d. Web. 28 June 2011.

Gerdes, Louise, ed. Child Abuse: Opposing Viewpoints. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2003. Print.

Hammel-Zabin, Amy. Conversations With a Pedophile: In the Interest of Our Children. Fort Lee, NJ: Barricade Books, Inc., 2003. Print.

Mead, James J. and David L. Westgate. Investigating Child Abuse. Fullerton, CA: R.C. Law & Co., 1992. Print.

Rowan, Edward L. Understanding Child Sexual Abuse. Jackson, MS: University Press of Mississippi, 2006. Print.

Salter, Anna C. Predators, Pedophiles, Rapists and Other Sex Offenders: Who They Are, How They Operate, and How We Can Protect Ourselves and Our Children. New York, NY: Basic Books, 2003. Print.

Schwartz-Kenny, Beth, Michelle McCauley, and Michelle A. Epstein, eds. Child Abuse: A Global View. Westport, CT: Greenwood Press, 2001. Print.

Sax, Robin. Predators and Child Molesters: What Every Parent Needs to Know to Keep Kids Safe. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2009. Print.

Appendix

Amber Alert Registry

Registering your child with the Amber Alert Registry can assist law enforcement in the event that your child goes missing.

www.amberalertregistry.org

Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline

Childhelp USA is a nonprofit organization dedicated to meeting the needs of abused children. Its services include this hotline, where children and parents can call with anonymity and confidentiality.

1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Darkness To Light

Website dedicated to educating communities about preventing child sexual abuse.

http://www.d2l.org/

National Children’s Alliance

Call the Children’s Advocacy Center nearest you for a referral to a local support group or therapist specializing in child sexual abuse. All calls are confidential and callers can remain anonymous.

1-800-239-9950

info@nca-online.org

National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline

This is a 24-hours-a-day confidential hotline staffed by trained volunteers who connect victims to local emergency help and provide information and referrals for nonemergency serves including counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.

1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN)

RAINN has an automated service that links callers to the nearest rape crisis center. All calls are confidential and callers can remain anonymous.

1-800-656-4673

www.rainn.org

April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month

2011-04-03T10:54:00.002-06:00

Dear Friends and Family,

April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month.

Child abuse awareness and prevention is a cause that is very dear to me. I am asking now for your help in preventing abuse. The easiest way to do that is to raise awareness. By choosing to wear a blue ribbon, you are choosing to take a stand against the hurt that so many children are forced to suffer.

Who knows? By wearing a ribbon, you may be preventing the hurt a child may endure. Someone will ask you the purpose of the ribbon, and by sharing a piece of knowledge you may inspire something wonderful. A parent, about to verbally or physically lash out at a child, will remember the ribbon and stop to think. A neighbor or friend, suspecting a case of abuse, may decide to interfere—perhaps saving a life.

So what happens if someone asks you about your ribbon? Share a piece of knowledge. A fact. A simple way for us to prevent abuse to an innocent child.

The following information regarding childhood sexual abuse is published by the organization Darkness to Light (darkness2light.org). I would ask you to take the time to look over the information. Put it into practice. Memorize a few key facts to share with those around you. By talking about it, we can prevent it, spread awareness, and begin to eliminate abuse. Forward this email to everyone you know--tell the world you are taking a stand and invite others to join you.

7 Steps to Protecting Our Children

Step 1
Learn the facts and understand the risks.
Realities – not trust – should influence your decisions regarding children.

It is highly likely that you know a child who has been or is being abused.
◆ Experts estimate that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthdays. This means that in any classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are children who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse.
◆ 1 in 5 children are sexually solicited while on the Internet.
◆ Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
◆ The median age for reported sexual abuse is 9 years old.
◆ Approximately 20% of the victims of sexual abuse are under age eight.
◆ 50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are under age twelve.
◆ Most child victims never report the abuse.
◆ Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems, often lasting into adulthood.

It is also likely that you know an abuser.
The greatest risk to children doesn’t come from strangers but from friends and family.
◆ 30-40% of children are abused by family members.
◆ As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts—abusers frequently try to
form a trusting relationship with parents.
◆ Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children.
◆ People who abuse children look and act just like everyone else. In fact, they often go out of their way to appear trustworthy to gain access to children.
◆ Those who sexually abuse children are drawn to settings where they can gain easy access to children, such as sports leagues, faith centers, clubs, and schools. Consequences to children and to our society begin immediately. Child sexual abuse is a direct source of a number of problems facing us.
◆ 70-80% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use.
◆ One study showed that among male survivors, 50% have suicidal thoughts and more than 20% attempt suicide.
◆ Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.
◆ More than 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape. The average age of the offenders is 27 years old.
◆ Approximately 40% of sex offenders report sexual abuse as children.
◆ Both males and females who have been sexually abused are more likely to engage in prostitution.
◆ Approximately 70% of sexual offenders of children have between 1 and 9 victims; 20-25% have 10 to 40 victims.
◆ Serial child molesters may have as many as 400 victims in their lifetimes.

Step 2
Minimize opportunity.
If you eliminate or reduce one-adult/one-child situations, you’ll dramatically lower the risk of sexual abuse for children.
More than 80% of sexual abuse cases occur in one-adult/one-child situations.

Reduce the risk. Protect children.
◆ Understand that abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.
◆ Think carefully about the safety of any one-adult/one-child situations. Choose group situations when possible.
◆ Think carefully about the safety of situations in which older youth have access to younger children. Make sure that multiple adults are present who can supervise.
◆ Set an example by personally avoiding one-adult/one-child situations with children other than your own.
◆ Monitor children’s Internet use. Offenders use the Internet to lure children into physical contact.
◆ Create and lobby for policies reducing or eliminating one-adult/one-child situations in all youth-serving organizations, such as faith groups, sports teams, and school clubs. These policies should ensure that all activities can be interrupted and observed.
◆ Talk with program administrators about the supervision of older youth who have responsibility for the care of children.
◆ Insist on screenings that include criminal background checks, personal interviews, and professional recommendations for all adults who serve children. Avoid programs that do not use ALL of these methods.
◆ Insist that youth-serving organizations train their staff and volunteers to prevent, recognize, and react responsibly to child sexual abuse.
◆ Ensure that youth-serving organizations have policies for dealing with suspicious situations
and reports of abuse.

One-on-one time with a trusted adult is healthy and valuable for a child. It builds self-esteem and deepens relationships. There are things you can do to protect children when you want them to have time alone with another adult.
◆ Drop in unexpectedly when the child is alone with any adult, even trusted family members.
◆ Make sure outings are observable, if not by you, then by others.
◆ Ask the adult about the specifics of the planned activities before the child leaves your care. Notice the adult’s ability to be specific.
◆ Talk with the child when he or she returns. Notice the child’s mood and whether the child can tell you with confidence how the time was spent.
◆ Find a way to tell the adults who care for children that you and the child are educated about child sexual abuse. Be that direct.

Step 3
Talk about it.
Children often keep abuse a secret, but barriers can be broken down by talking openly about it.

Understand why children are afraid to “tell.”
◆ The abuser shames the child, points out that the child let it happen, or tells the child that his or her parents will be angry.
◆ The abuser is often manipulative and may try to confuse the child about what is right and wrong.
◆ The abuser sometimes threatens the child or a family member.
◆ Some children who do not initially disclose abuse are ashamed to tell when it happens again.
◆ Children are afraid of disappointing their parents and disrupting the family.
◆ Some children are too young to understand.
◆ Many abusers tell children the abuse is “okay” or a “game.”

Know how children communicate.
◆ Children who disclose sexual abuse often tell a trusted adult other than a parent. For this reason, training for people who work with children is especially important.
◆ Children may tell “parts” of what happened or pretend it happened to someone else to gauge adult reaction.
◆ Children will often “shut down” and refuse to tell more if you respond emotionally or negatively.

Talk openly with children.
Good communication may decrease a child’s vulnerability to sexual abuse and increase the likelihood that the child will tell you if abuse has occurred.
◆ Teach your children about their bodies, about what abuse is, and, when age-appropriate, about sex. Teach them words that help them discuss sex comfortably with you.
◆ Model caring for your own body, and teach children how to care for theirs.
◆ Teach children that it is “against the rules” for adults to act in a sexual way with them and use examples. Teach them what parts of their bodies others should not touch.
◆ Be sure to mention that the abuser might be an adult friend, family member, or older youth.
◆ Teach children not to give out their email addresses, home addresses, or phone numbers while using the Internet.
◆ Start early and talk often. Use everyday opportunities to talk about sexual abuse.
◆ Be proactive. If a child seems uncomfortable, or resistant to being with a particular adult, ask why.
◆ Teach children that it is your responsibility to protect them from sexual abuse.
◆ Teach children you can only protect them if they tell you when something is wrong.
◆ Listen quietly. Children have a hard time telling parents about troubling events.

Talk to other adults about child sexual abuse.
◆ Support and mutual learning occur when you share with another adult.
◆ You raise the consciousness of your community and influence their choices about child safety.
◆ You may be offering support and information to an adult whose child is experiencing abuse, and may not know what to do.
◆ You put potential abusers on notice that you are paying attention.

Step 4
Stay alert.
Don’t expect obvious signs when a child is being sexually abused. Signs are often there but you’ve got to spot them.
Learn the signs.
◆ Physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, although redness, rashes or swelling in the genital area, urinary tract infections, or other such symptoms should be carefully investigated. Also, physical problems associated with anxiety, such as chronic stomach pain or headaches, may occur.
◆ Emotional or behavioral signals are more common. These can run from “too perfect” behavior, to withdrawal and depression, to unexplained anger and rebellion.
◆ Sexual behavior and language that are not age-appropriate can be a red flag.
◆ Be aware that in some children there are no signs whatsoever.

If you find physical signs that you suspect are sexual abuse, have the child physically examined immediately by a professional who specializes in child sexual abuse.
A children’s advocacy center can guide you. To find a center near you, call 1-800-239-9950.
The opportunity to convict a child molester may depend on evidence from an examination.

Step 5
Make a plan.
Learn where to go, whom to call, and how to react.
Don’t overreact.
If a child breaks an arm or runs a high fever, you know to stay calm and where to seek help because you’ve mentally prepared yourself. Reacting to child sexual abuse is the same. Your reactions have a powerful influence on vulnerable children.

When you react to disclosure with anger or disbelief, the response is often:
◆ The child shuts down.
◆ The child changes his or her story in the face of your anger and disbelief, when, in fact, abuse is actually occurring.
◆ The child changes the account around your questions so future tellings appear to be “coached.” This can be very harmful if the case goes to court.
◆ The child feels even guiltier.
Very few reported incidents are false.
Offer support.

Think through your response before you suspect abuse. You’ll be able to respond in a more supportive manner.
◆ Believe the child and make sure the child knows it.
◆ Thank the child for telling you and praise the child’s courage.
◆ Encourage the child to talk but don’t ask leading questions about details. Asking about details can alter the child’s memory of events. If you must ask questions to keep the child talking, ask open-ended ones like “what happened next?”
◆ Seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse. Professional guidance could be critical to the child’s healing and to any criminal prosecution.
◆ Assure the child that it’s your responsibility to protect him or her and that you’ll do all you can.
◆ Report or take action in all cases of suspected abuse, both inside and outside the immediate family.
◆ Don’t panic. Sexually abused children who receive support and psychological help can and do heal.

Child sexual abuse is a crime.
Know the legal requirements for reporting:
◆ All 50 states require that professionals who work with children report reasonable suspicions of child abuse. Some states require that anyone with suspicions report it. Information about each state’s requirements is available at the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect.
◆ If you are a professional who works with children, (e.g., a teacher, a nurse) there are special procedures and reporting requirements you must follow. Your employer should provide mandated reporting training.

Step 6
Act on suspicions.
The future well being of a child is at stake.
By acting on suspicions of child sexual abuse, you will save not only one child, but perhaps countless others. Many of those who sexually abuse children have multiple victims.
You may be faced with a situation where you suspect abuse but don’t have any proof. Suspicions are scary, but trust your instincts. Have the courage to report the suspected abuse.

What if I’m not sure?
Where do I go?
◆ Child Abuse Helplines have staff specifically trained to deal with questions about suspected child sexual abuse. Call Darkness to Light’s helpline, 1-866-FOR-LIGHT to be routed to resources in your community, or call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
◆ Children’s Advocacy Centers coordinate all the professionals (legal, social services, medical) involved in a case. If you’re unsure about whether to make an official report or just need support, contact a children’s advocacy center. The staff will help you evaluate your suspicions and your next steps. To find a center near you, contact The National Children’s Alliance at www.nca-online.org or 1-800-239-9950.
◆ Local Community Agencies, such as local hotlines, United Way offices, or rape crisis centers can often help.
◆ Talk to the child’s parents (as long as they are not the abusers) and provide educational materials, such as this booklet. If the parents seem indifferent or unlikely to take action, call one of the recommended sources.

Know the agencies that handle reports of abuse.
Two agencies handle most reports of child abuse.
◆ Child Protective Services (in some states this agency has a different name)
◆ Law Enforcement: Some states designate Child Protective Services as the agency that accepts reports of suspected child abuse. Others designate law enforcement. Some do not designate or designate both. Many states have tollfree lines that accept reports of abuse from the entire state. To find out where to make a report in your state, identify the Child Abuse Reporting Numbers at The National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect website, http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/topics/reporting/guidelines.cfm.
If the legal system does not provide adequate protection for a child, visit the National Center for Victims of Crime at www.ncvc.org or call 1-800-FYI-CALL for referral information.

These resources can help you if you are unsure of whether abuse has occurred, but they do not substitute for making an official report. Remember that you may be a mandated reporter in your state and you may be the only source of protection for that child.

Step 7
Get involved.
Volunteer and financially support organization that fight the tragedy of child sexual abuse.
Get involved by donating your time and resources to support organizations such as these:
◆ Prevention programs
◆ Children’s advocacy centers
◆ Crisis information and referral services
◆ Rape crisis centers

Use your voice and your vote to make your community a safer place for children.
◆Ask that schools and organizations in your community have child sexual abuse prevention policies, and help with their creation. Ask other adults to do the same.
◆Bring Darkness to Light’s Stewards of Children prevention program to your community.
www.darkness2light.org.
◆Support legislation that protects children. Visit www.darkness2light.org for legislative information.
◆ Demand that the government put more resources into protecting children from sexual abuse and into responding to reports of sexual abuse.
◆Call and write your members of Congress.
◆ Write letters to your newspaper.

BREAK THE CYCLE OF SILENCE.
There are 39 million survivors of child sexual abuse in America today.
Let the healing and the prevention begin today.

Will you join with me in the fight against child abuse? Will you commit to wearing a ribbon during the month of April, and invite your friends and family to do the same? Together we can make a huge difference.

Thank you for your support!

Sincerely,

cornnut32

If you or someone you know is a victim of child abuse, there is hope. Contact Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD and get the help you need to begin healing.

a chapter closing

2011-03-16T10:11:00.007-06:00

it has been nearly four months since my last post. it's not because nothing has been going on, but rather because i haven't known what to say. the culmination of the last four months--and, in fact, the past twelve years--came just last week. i confronted my abuser in person and forgave him.

i have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have been doing EMDR with her. this has had an amazing effect on me. the nightmares stopped. the flashbacks stopped. thinking about my past and the abuse no longer gave me panic attacks, caused fear or anger. i was able to let the anger toward him go. i have been much happier and much less volatile.

i have also been put on hormone therapy, which has helped immensely. i don't have such drastic mood swings and my depression has been better overall. i have had more energy and don't lose control of my emotions nearly as often.

i have had little to no contact with my parents. this has been extremely difficult for me but i believe it has been for the best. i have separated myself from the dysfunction of our realtionship. i still want so badly to try to repair the relationship but in spite of my willingness to do so, my parents have all but refused to alter their method of communication and won't listen to my feelings. i don't know how much longer this will last. i still feel ostracized and cut out of the family. part of this is my doing, i know--but to be frankly honest i felt that way even when i was communicating with them on a regular basis.

approximately two months ago i was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. she has been sick for quite some time; several years, in fact. when i arrived i found my uncle (my abuser) was there. this was the first time i had encountered him since i had done the EMDR work with my therapist. when i saw him, and knew he was there, i was able to remain calm and relatively unaffected by the situation. i left the hospital feeling happier than i had in a long time, proud of myself for my progress and relief at the fact that the fear and anxiety were no longer attached to his memory or presence.

just over a week ago our family had a devastating blow...my grandmother passed away. i have been struggling so much with her death. yesterday is the first day i have not cried since her passing...and even then i had to fight the tears. i cannot go into any more detail than this because i am sure i will lose it again. i was very close to her and i am sure it will take a long time for me to recover from the loss, to lose the ache in my chest every time i think of her.

last friday night was her viewing. i spent all week in agony, anticipating the viewing and funeral. i was so anxious, i didn't think i would be able to handle it. once there i did better than i had expected. i cried--a lot--but i didn't go into hysterics. of course my uncle was there, standing with my dad and his siblings and my grandfather, next to the casket. i avoided him through much of the viewing. but just before we left, i gathered the courage to talk to him for the first time since i was thirteen.

i felt safe knowing that i was surrounded by many people who loved me. my husband was there. he has been so strong for me, so supportive of me. i knew my grandmother would be proud of me. so i did it.

i told him that i forgave him. i told him that i would never be okay, that i would always struggle. i told him it had taken me a very long time to get to this point, but i had finally been able to forgive him.

he tried to touch my arm and i stepped back. he apologized and stepped back from me as well. he told me he was very sorry for what he did. he said that he had been through a lot of counseling, and that the therapy had helped him fix his life. he said that he tried to convey to me how sorry he was through my parents and others. he apologized to me probably five times. he thanked me for speaking to him. i told him thank you for the apology and i shook his hand. then i walked away.

through this entire interaction, which lasted five minutes at the most, i had nothing worse than butterflies in my stomach. afterward i was amazed at the way i was able to maintain my calm. i didn't feel threatened or afraid. it was an impromptu confrontation but i am very glad that i did it. i left the viewing with a mixture of devastation for the loss of my grandmother and euphoria for my ability to confront my uncle.

the next day at the funeral i did not look at him or speak to him, and he still stayed away from me. but knowing that i was finally strong enough to be in the same room as he without being affected was a huge relief.

my interaction with my parents over the course of the last week--at the hospital the day my grandmother passed, in several phone calls with my dad, at the viewing and at the funeral--were overall positive. i maintained some distance for my own emotional well-being (i had enough to deal with) but was able to hug them and cry with them. i believe they enjoyed interacting with my children. i am hopeful that things will eventually be able to change between us--but as of yet i am not holding my breath. i love my parents dearly but i need to hold on to my new found strength, to continue to stand up for myself and my well-being, to maintain emotional stability.

this journey from abuse to healing has taken me much of my life. i have an odd sense of pride in myself, of freedom. this is a very unusual feeling for me. self-loathing, anger and fear have been my constant companions for as long as i can remember. i still have a long way to go as far as my self-esteem is concerned, and as my communication with others goes, but i believe i am on my way. this blog has been a large part of my healing. the ability to share my feelings and thoughts, to connect to others who have been through what i have, to learn from and help other abuse victims has been empowering. i don't know if i will be posting here again. perhaps i will, but this chapter of my life is closing.

the image of the swallow is one that i drew. traditionally, sailors would have swallows tattooed on their bodies to represent their experience sailing--the number of miles they had traveled on the ocean. (one swallow for every 5,000 nautical miles.) it also represented hope for returning home, to safety, as birds are one of the first signs of land and a safe harbor. legend has it that if a sailor drowned at sea, the bird would alight upon his soul and carry it safely to heaven. swallows are also a symbol of freedom, loyalty and love.

this swallow is just that to me--a symbol of freedom, of hope, of a safe return. i am free from the chains of my abuse. i have hope for a better future. i have safely returned from the stormy waters of recovery. it is a symbol of healing, of love and support and loyalty from and for my family.

i wish all of you the same peace, recovery and happiness that i am beginning to find.

happy thanksgiving

2010-11-25T12:32:00.002-07:00

i hope you all have a great thanksgiving full of lots of laughter, love, and yummy food!

this year i am so incredibly grateful for my family--my supportive husband and beautiful children. i would be nothing without them.

i am grateful for a home to live in, food to eat, a car to drive, clothing to wear, heat, indoor plumbing, electricity and all of the little things that i usually take for granted.

i am thankful for my friends.

i am thankful for medical care, therapy and medication that is slowly putting my life back in order.

i am thankful for pretty flowers, christmas lights, good smelling candles, fires in our fireplace, the sound of laughter and my piano. i am thankful for the ability to see, hear, taste, touch and feel. i am thankful for the sunlight, good books to read and the many wonders of my iphone. i am thankful for HD TV, cable, the radio, and the library.

most of all, i am thankful for my hubby's hard work, integrity and love for me and our children. i am thankful for the smiles, kisses, and "i love you"s that i get from my babies.

turn it off...please!

2010-11-11T08:25:00.006-07:00

i wish i had an on/off switch for my emotions. i think life would be so much easier. unfortunately i am one of those people who tends to be ruled by emotions (much to the frustration of my husband.)

last night was a hard night. yesterday a hard day. i have been doing pretty well at sticking to my guns when it comes to my interactions with my parents--until yesterday morning. my youngest sister (of whom i am SO proud) had her volleyball banquet last night. at the banquet she signed her contract for a scholarship to play volleyball at one of the best universities in the nation--a PAC-10 university. my mom called me to tell me about it and the first thing she said to me in the voicemail (since i don't answer the phone from her anymore, for this reason) was a very sarcastic "it sure would be nice to talk to you, cornnut." proceeded by a message detailing that the signing was to be that night and i needed to call her back RIGHT AWAY if i wanted to be on the banquet list.

seeing as i was scheduled to work i originally told her no, and that i didn't appreciate her tone of voice via text. i then was able to arrange someone to cover my shift so i called her to tell her that i would be attending. what i got (of course) was her voice raised, an extremely rude and accusatory tone of voice, and she hung up on me--twice. an argument over the way she speaks to me, and she still was rude. (i later found out she thought i was upset about the short notice because i had said it would be nice to have prior notice, which she did not have, so how could i blame her for that? it would have been nice to have, that's all. and she thinks I take things personally. well that's not what i was upset about, i assure you.) i tried very hard to keep my cool but ended up losing it, as i usually do when emotions are high. after inviting me she told me i was no longer invited because i would "cause a scene." (of the two of us, she is much more likely to cause a scene.) i told her it was my sister's decision to make, not hers, so i called my sister and asked her if she'd like me to attend or not in a voicemail. all this happened at 9 am.

by 3:30 pm i still hadn't heard from my sister. i called her and was able to speak to her. she told me she would like me to come but it was my decision. so i attended. my mother did not speak to me, and i did not speak to her. my father spoke to me briefly, to tell me they had paid for dinner for me (although my mother had previously told me they would not pay for dinner for me because of my attitude) and there was a spot at their table. i refused to sit with them on the grounds of the argument i'd had with my mom, the fact that i was barely keeping back tears, and i did not want to ruin my sister's night. so i chose to sit in the back corner in the dark by myself. i told my dad thank you, i appreciated it, but no.

so throughout the evening i faced the consequences of my choices. i was alone, separated from my entire family while they sat together and ate and laughed and enjoyed the evening. at one point my youngest sister brought me a plate of food which was extremely kind of her. i sat through the program and awards and cried, i was so proud of my sister, and so sad i wasn't part of it. they read off a list of her awards and accomplishments. it was a pretty long list, seeing as she is one of the best high school players in the nation, has been to nationals (and took bronze), and more. the awards she won on her team included "most likely to have her jersey retired from the high school," as well as statistical awards including "most digs," "most kills," "most blocks," and "most aces." the only statistical award she didn't place first in was "most assists" and that's because she's not a setter. the team also voter her as the winner of "the rock" award which essential means she is the rock of the team, the one they all rely on.

after the program ended and she officially became a college player, i left immediately. i gave her a hug and told her i was proud of her and hightailed it out of there...where i cried nearly the whole way home (about half an hour) and cried myself to sleep.

i feel like i am finally standing up for myself, i am no longer putting up with the manipulation and emotional abuse i receive from my mother. the result is being separated from my family--more so than i ever was. as a kid i was the one who fought back and the result was being separated. as an adult i fought back, same thing--and it is always my fault, my problem, my issue, they never make mistakes or do anything wrong, they have zero responsibility in it. all i've asked for is acknowledgment of their mistakes and validation of my feelings. instead i get anger and even more blame. how frustrating and even humiliating.

i'm so sick of the drama i can't even begin to tell you. but this time i'm not backing down. i've told them it is their choice. their choice to validate me, or their choice for me to stay away. obviously they have made their choice, and i have made mine, and now we all have to live with the consequences.

and if anyone is going to leave comments defending my parents, don't bother. i don't want to hear it. the fact is they are masters of manipulation and are really great at twisting reality.

the story of how a one cat family became a two cat family

2010-10-19T13:55:00.003-06:00

saturday morning hubby and i took the kids to the local farmers' market. we love going to it and it was the last one of the season, so we headed out and spent a few hours walking around.

when we got home i had to race inside to use the facilities while hubby got the kids out of the car. as i came through the door, i tripped over something that moved. it was a cat. i assumed it was our cat (seeing as it was inside our house) and said something to the effect of, "get out of my way, cat!" and kept on running. well, the cat (that wasn't our cat) followed me into the bathroom. imagine my surprise as i looked down and saw this grey little kitten, about four months old, looking right back up at me.well by this time hubby and the kids made it through the door and they were just as surprised as i was by our little invader. the kids immediately wanted to pet the kitty. princess was giggling, buddy was in heaven, and hubby kept looking at me saying, "no. no. no. no!" eventually the kitten was put back outside, as it must have belonged to someone in our complex. it stayed, though. hubby gave it food and water to kind of see if it was really hungry, as an indicator of ownership. it wasn't, so we assumed someone was taking care of it. inside we went, cat stayed outside.

a few minutes later hubby walked past the door and the kitten was sitting out on our mat mewing to get back in. after some pouty faces on my end and a large sigh and a "fine" from hubby's end the kitten was let back into the house. the kids proceeded to poke, prod, pull tails and ears, and just all around abuse the poor kitten as only kids can do (in spite of the constant "be nice!" warnings from us). the kitten just sat there and took it. no retaliation, nothing. we were pretty surprised by it.

the next day i put up signs at the mailboxes in our complex saying we'd found a cat and if it belongs to anyone, please call. that night i received a phone call--a man who claimed the kitten, but if we wanted it we were more than happy to have it...his mom dumped it on him and he didn't really want it. it's even been neutered already, bonus for us.

so we took it. the kids are attached. i am attached. hubby is even attached (as he says, "i don't want to like this cat!" to me). the only one in our house not attached? our other cat--baby. we've had baby since we were dating, she's about seven or eight years old. mew (the kitten, named after a cat who has recently passed that belonged to hubby's parents) keeps trying to play with baby...and baby responds by hissing and running away. it's only been a few days, though, so i'm sure she'll get used to him soon.

as hubby said..."they say you don't pick your pet, your pet picks you" and how true it is. some random kitten that ran into the house after me one day has become the newest member of the family.

and that is the story of how we got a new kitten.

the best cake i ever made...

2010-10-06T06:00:00.001-06:00

so as you know, my little princess turned one last saturday. and what would be better for a princess than a princess party? we decorated the whole house in pink and white streamers, pink and white balloons and princess decorations. she had a little fuzzy pink party hat that said "princess," her onesie said "little princess," and we got her a sparkly pink princess skirt. everything was pink, pink, pink.

but the thing that took the cake was the cake.

a few months ago i was meandering around wal-mart and came across this:

and said, "this is perfect!"

my mother in law decorates cakes and has taken a bunch of classes. so i asked her if she would help me since i know nothing about cake decorating and have never made a two tier cake let alone a two layer cake. she agreed so we spent way too many hours making the cake. i got the wrong kind of cream cheese so the first batch of frosting was ruined. (word of advice: don't use fat-free cream cheese for baking. yuck.) top tier was chocolate, bottom tier was devil's food on one layer and funfetti on the other. somehow my MIL knows how to make delicious cake, i can't make a boxed cake mix taste that good. filled with cream cheese frosting and voila.
next up, the decorating. this took several hours...we were up until about 1 am. the kit comes with the towers, windows, door and little cones for the top of the towers. they are all plain white plastic, so you do the decorating. here they are after i'd piped the purple around the little windows and stuck edible glitter on them.
the cones we smothered in purple frosting and rolled in the glitter.
then little white balls of cream cheese frosting, and leaves...
here is the cake after we'd put on the leaves and flowers plus the door and the front part. the rest had to wait until the day of the party or the towers would all tip over.
so skip ahead to the afternoon of the party. we stuck the towers on, put the cones on them and frosting-glued them to the cake.
and here is the finished product. isn't it amazing?

what a cake for a baby's first birthday! i was so proud of it! it was sad when we dismantled it.
but let me tell you, those chubby little hands sure loved digging around in it!

and it was delicious!

happy first birthday, princess

2010-10-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Today will soon be over
Tomorrow will arrive
Right now I’m going to hold you
Until you close your eyes

Words can’t always sum up
The feelings that I feel
So peaceful when you’re sleeping
I know you’ll hear me still

Singing ‘You are very special to me
And I am very special to you
I know that this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you’

Exactly what I wanted
Exactly who you are
I know we’ll work together
And we will reach the stars

Families stick together
And family lasts forever
Forever, that’s how long
I’ll love you

Singing "You are very special to me
And I am very special to you
I know that this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you"

I know this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you
(from baby signing time)

happy birthday to my baby girl...
i love you more than you will ever know.

love,
mommy

leaves are falling, falling down

2010-09-29T13:20:00.003-06:00

it's that time of year again.

my FAVORITE time of year. the leaves are changing colors and falling off the trees. while it's still monstrously hot during the day, the mornings are cooler, the sun is coming up later and my house smells like delicious pumpkin pie. (gotta love scented candles!) our local mountains are turning more red, orange and yellow as we speak. and you know what else fall brings?

that's right, HALLOWEEN!
when the ghoulies and ghosties come out to play, when pumpkins with big grins and scary faces are lit up, bats and witches fly through the night air and tricks and treats abound. i am so excited i put up my halloween decorations more than a week ago. i made a new wreath out of fall leaves for my door and put up our halloween countdown that i made a few years ago. we even came up with our costumes--the kids and i are going to be bumblebees and hubby is going to be a beekeeper. my little bees are going to be so stinkin' adorable. i'm really looking forward to trick or treating this year too, because little buddy will really understand the concept! and he'll be able to actually say "trick or treat."

and what comes with halloween?
one of my most favorite movies of all time...the nightmare before christmas.

one of life's little thrills of joy.

blonde to black

2010-09-22T14:53:00.005-06:00

i dyed my hair black.

why, do you ask?

because i wanted to.

i have been a blonde my entire life. as i get older, my hair gets darker. i was in complete and total denial of the fact that i was no longer "blonde" but a "dirty dishwater blonde with streaks of light brown" (or some variation of that) for a long time. until a year or so ago i found long strands of dark brown hair on something (couch, probably) and was really upset because i didn't know who they belonged to....until i realized they belonged to me. talk about my self-perception shattering, i'd always been proud to be blonde.

so over the past few years i've thought a lot about going brunette. i've always decided not to out of nervousness (what if i hate it?) and out of my still-persistent state of denial (i AM a blonde, dang it!) and laziness (upkeep on roots? yuck.)

secretly, however, for a very long time, i have always fantasized about dying my hair black and getting it cut really short (i've had long hair most of my life, with a few exceptions) and going all punk-rock. unfortunately i'm not cool enough to pull off the punk-rock look.

so a few days ago, impulsively (or not, since i've been considering it for years) i spent a whopping $3 on a box of hair dye called "dark brown." one dye job later, my husband could barely tell a difference (i had to point it out to him) and no one else i met noticed, because the color wasn't that different (again, this state of denial. i thought i went from blonde to brown....but really from light brown to medium brown.) so then i decided it wasn't dark enough. another trip the the grocery store, another $3 on a box of hair dye i thought was titled "brown black" until i got it home and realized it was "soft black." so i said to myself, well, here's one of those things you can cross off your bucket list: dye your hair black.

so i did, and it was awful. my hair is ridiculously thick (i mean RIDICULOUSLY thick) and one box of dye was nowhere near enough. after rinsing and blow drying it was discovered that i had huge chunks of brown in my hair still. not so sexy. so another trip to the grocery store for a more expensive kind of hair dye, roping my hubby into helping me (since try as i may, i can't see the back of my head), and voila, i have black-ish hair. (all over this time, not just in chunks.) it still looks dark brown sometimes (like in this picture) but that's okay with me.

it's a little weird. and hubby says he likes it better lighter. so i don't know if it will last. but i did get to knock something off of my bucket list (which isn't really an actual list at this point), and i did something new and different for me, and overcame my denial about still being blonde.

next up, a haircut. it has been over a year since my last haircut and boy do my ends show it.

2010-09-19T06:00:00.000-06:00

i know i've mentioned before that i've read the outlander series and really loved them. recently i decided to reread the first one and ran across a passage that really hit me. to give you a little background, the main character, jamie fraser, is accused of a crime he didn't commit in scotland in the year 1743. after being in prison and having been tortured and abused, he was talking to the other main character, claire, telling her about what his experience did to him mentally. he said,

"It's...difficult to explain. It's...it's like...I think it's as though everyone has a small place inside themselves, maybe, a private bit that they keep to themselves. It's like a little fortress, where the most private part of you lives--maybe it's your soul, maybe just that bit that makes you yourself and not anyone else. You don't show that bit of yourself to anyone, usually, unless sometimes to someone that ye love greatly.

Now, it's like...like my own fortress has been blown up with gunpowder--there's nothing left of it but ashes and a smoking rooftree and the little naked thing that lived there once is out in the open, squeaking and whimpering in fear, tryin' to hide itself under a blade of grass or a bit o' leaf, but...but not...makin' m-much of a job of it."

this---this, is what it is like to be abused.

i am made of clay

2010-09-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are? what it was that shaped you, made you, molded and created you into who you have become?

i ask myself, how did i become an overweight college drop-out, working part-time selling ties to make ends meet, with a less than stellar job and financial history, and even worse history with every relationship that matters most at the age of 24?

because of choices, that's why.

do you ever wish you could go back and relive your life? make different choices, become a different person?

i used to have so much potential. so many dreams. i had my whole life before me--my depression under control. i graduated high school top of my class, with a stack of scholarships and awards. i looked great (although i didn't think so at the time), i felt great, had tons of friends and thought i knew who i was. i had a plan, a path. i got a little freedom and it all began to unravel. poor choices. being overwhelmed. memories...nightmares...resurfacing. hormonal changes, triggers, my life darkened by post-traumatic stress disorder.

if i could go back and change what happened to me in my childhood, where would i be? who would i be? even if i could just go back six years, to eighteen, and relive it, make changes, deal with things differently--who would i be now?

i have one dream that has come true. i have a beautiful family. if i changed my childhood, would that change? my husband, my two perfect children. if i had found myself, would i have lost them?

i am made of clay, shaped by time, by circumstance, by my own hands and by the hands of others. at any given time one element has more impact than another.

i used to know who i was. but i used to be a different person. i have changed a lot in six years. i have changed a lot in 19 years...19 years since i first began to be abused. by far the majority of my life has been altered and negatively impacted by someone else's choices, by my own choices in reaction to it.

so who am i now?

send me away with the words of a love song

2010-09-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

this is such a beautiful song i wanted to share.

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a gone
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

If I Die Young by the Band Perry

when i get where i'm going

2010-09-15T22:40:00.003-06:00

the other night i was driving home from work, and i wasn't in the best of moods. far from it, in fact. i was thinking about death because i tend to do that when things get overwhelming--wondering if life is really worth it, what happens when we die, is death better than life? some would say it's unhealthy for me to think about death. not thoughts of suicide, but of what happens after we leave this life. some say that life, as we know it, is really hell. some days i definitely agree with that stance. other days, though, i think this is a pretty awesome hell if that's what it really is. as i was thinking thoughts along this line, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. one i haven't heard in a long time. as i sang along i really thought about the words.

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

and you know what?

when i get there, whenever that may be, the first thing i'm going to do...

is spread my wings and fly.

when i get where i'm going, by brad paisley, featuring dolly parton

will you forget?

2010-09-12T14:22:00.003-06:00

every year it has been a tradition of ours to go to the local healing field. they have them all over the country--if you haven't been to one, go. it is an incredible experience.

i was glad to see (and overhear) that there were other families there teaching their kids about 9/11 and the thousands who died. it is important to us that our children know, and that we as a family never forget that day.

we live in a suburb of one of the largest cities in our state. it is only about a half hour drive or so to get downtown. yesterday morning i headed downtown to attend a baby shower for a friend. between our apartment and their house i passed at least twenty american flags. take a guess at how many were half-mast. TWO. in the largest city in our state, there were two flags half-mast. i was appalled--disgusted, even. it has been a short nine years since 9/11/01 and already people are forgetting. the two flags that were half-mast? the local national guard office and a grocery store. on the way home i took the long way to our apartment and drove past the office. our complex is pretty big. no surprise that the flag was all the way up. i called the front office and told them i was a resident and noticed the flag was not half-mast. the girl goes, "oh yeah, i guess today is september 11th. i'll call maintenance and have them put it down." really? i couldn't believe that. this attitude of complacency is what makes me so unhappy. what a sad way to honor all those people who lost their lives, the soldiers who have been killed since, and even america as a whole.

i can guarantee that i will never forget. fifty years from now i will still get tears in my eyes, put my own flag at half mast, and honor the men and women who died for our country. i will still remember that september morning, watching planes fly into buildings, towers collapsing, people running--and feeling afraid and helpless. i will never forget where i was, what i was doing, how i felt.

will you forget?

nine years ago

2010-09-11T13:23:00.002-06:00

this is how i'm feeling today

2010-09-09T13:43:00.003-06:00

a picture is worth a thousand words and i have seven.

i purposefully chose the images of little girls....because it is the little girl inside of me crying for her mommy and daddy to protect and love her.

the adult is confused, frustrated and angry...feeling betrayed by the people who are supposed to love and comfort her, validate and help her.

i'm glad i have my husband to protect me and love me and stand up for me.

it's just part of life, right?

2010-09-08T13:44:00.006-06:00

so i've mentioned how much my kids love signing time. so much that not only do we watch it, but we also listen to it constantly in the car.

here is one of the songs on perma-repeat.

It's just part of life, you bump and bruise and fall
Sometimes seems like everyday and sometimes not at all

When you're hurt you always become better
When you fall down you always get back up
And when you cry it never lasts forever
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out

It's just part of life and hugs can save the day
With kisses and a bandage we're ready to go play

When you're hurt you always become better
When you fall down you always get back up
And when you cry it never lasts forever
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out

this song is good and it's also bad, at least for me. crying doesn't last forever. being hurt? do we always become better? physically, usually, sure. emotionally? at times i have a hard time believing that i will ever be better. when i fall i sometimes want to just stay down on the ground. my husband is there telling me he'll help me feel better...giving me hugs and kisses, bandaging my emotional wounds. but bandages don't always fix it. every time i hear this song it makes me think.

there is more drama with my parents. (what else is new?) i've distanced myself from them over the last month and a half or so because i've been focusing on trying to heal--and the constant stream of criticism i get from them is far from helping me. with the baby's first birthday coming up in less than a month i sent them an email outlining some boundaries if they choose to come to her birthday party. the response was exactly what i thought it would be--a total blatant disregard for my feelings, completely invalidating me and denying any kind of wrong-doing on their part. as usual. it's like they think it will kill them to admit that they've screwed up here and there with me. then they place all blame on me. i wrote a response that i didn't send because it's just full of my frustration and hurt and years of pent up confusion and anguish where they are concerned. they say i'm the only one who "makes accusations" and tries to "instruct them on their behavior." probably because i'm the only one with the guts to do so, because i know for a fact there are others who feel the same way i do.

i want to have a good relationship with my parents, but i can't keep putting my mental health and the happiness of my own little family in jeopardy for them. i'm tired of maintaining a relationship based on what i HOPE it will become instead of what it is. i love my parents, i really do. they've done a lot of good things for me and i am grateful for that. i've told them that. so why is it so hard for them to just see they've made mistakes as well, own up to them and apologize? really that's all i'm asking for. the worst part is that their stubborn behavior is interfering with their relationship with their grandchildren which is hard on me, too. i want them to get to know my kids but not at the detriment of myself and my marriage.

so the big question is this: is a relationship with them really worth all the pain, hurt, invalidation and frustration i experience?

and why is it my siblings all seem to be able to take it--or ignore it? i took it for years and years...and now that i'm an adult i'm tired of it. i'm tired of them trying to control me, or support me in the way they think i need instead of what i actually need, what i'm telling them i need.

i wish they were there to help me out when i ask...HOW i ask. it doesn't matter if i say i should wear the red shirt and they tell me the blue one is best, that i'm wrong, even though i know i'm right...the red one is better for me...then they criticize me for choosing the red one and get mad because i'm not taking their advice. does that even make sense? then i always end up running back to them and apologizing, even though i know i was right, just to keep the peace.

i just don't know what to do anymore.

angel lullaby

2010-09-06T13:48:00.002-06:00

lately we have been turning on music at night for little buddy to calm him down and get him to sleep. one of the cds i put on the mp3 player we keep in his room is the "goodnight baby" cd from signing time. one night i was sitting in bed and the music was coming through the sound monitor. i hadn't actually listened to all the songs on the cd, and i was surprised when i heard rachel coleman singing "angel lullaby," which is a song from "my turn on earth," an LDS play written in the 1970s. (the songwriter for this play, lex de azevedo, is rachel coleman's father. rachel and her sister created signing time.) this song is very special to me, because it is one of the few positive memories i have of my childhood--my mother singing this song to me.

You came from a land where all is light
To a world half day and a world half night
To guide you by day you have my love
And to guard you by night your friends above

So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends
So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends

There's one, stands softly by your bed
And another sits close with a hand on your head
There's one at the window watching for the dawn
And one waits to wake you when the night is gone

So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends
So sleep, sleep 'til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends

this is the only video of the actual song i could find on youtube, i'm not sure who these people are but it's a photo journey of their son.

i would like a definitive answer, please

2010-09-02T12:54:00.003-06:00

my life has been so full of ups and downs lately i just don't know what to do here. tuesday i saw a new doctor. my new EMDR therapist referred me to her for med management and also to have labs done, because she suspected i might have a hormone imbalance that is interfering with my treatment. she also said that she doesn't really think i'm bipolar, that it's more of a symptom than a diagnosis. besides, my regular med doc moved (which i'm bummed about because i really liked her) so i needed a new one anyway.

well i sat down and within about ten minutes of me giving her my medical history and background she told me i made it really easy for her--that it was obvious i had a major hormone imbalance. she thinks that all of my mood swings, migraines, exhaustion, the problems i have with pregnancy, issues with meds that don't work, etc. is all because i have too much estrogen and not enough progesterone. obviously she can't be 100% sure because i haven't had the labs done yet. so i'm getting the labs done and hopefully we'll have some better answers. i really liked her and she definitely seemed like she knew what she was talking about. she told me she's pretty much positive that i'm not bipolar. argh. am i, or aren't i?

tomorrow i have my second appointment with my EMDR therapist. i'm looking forward to it. the EMDR we did last time helped and hasn't "worn off" as i was kind of concerned that it would. she has me reading this book called "the ultramind solution" that talks about how our bodies affect mental disorders. it's really interesting. the doctor that wrote it says that systemic issues such as hormone imbalances, food allergies (especially things like gluten) and poor nutrition, toxic environments, brain inflammation, stress, lack of energy and poor digestion can call work together to give us "broken brains." his theory is that when you take out the bad stuff and add the good to your body as a whole it will improve and sometimes get rid of things like depression, bipolar disorder, autism, alzheimers, ADHD, memory problems, etc. i'm only a little bit into it but so far i've learned quite a bit about my body's interaction with my brain. so we'll see if it's really something that will help or not...it seems a little gimmicky but it's worth a try, right?

so i'm really kind of frustrated. am i bipolar? am i just crazy? why is it that no one seems to know what is really going on with me? is it really just something as simple as a hormone imbalance that should have been treated YEARS ago? it it because i eat a lot of gluten? i have a whole ton of questions and no one knows any answers. i know i'm really annoyed with this, though.

for the twilight fans out there

2010-09-02T12:37:00.000-06:00

bah ha ha....i thought it was funny.

happy fourth anniversary

2010-08-25T06:00:00.004-06:00

i love you through and through.

i love your top side.

i love your bottom side.

i love your inside

and outside.

i love your happy side,

your sad side,

your silly side,

your mad side.

i love your fingers

and toes,

your ears

and nose.

i love your hair and eyes,

your giggles

and cries.

i love you running

and walking,

silent

and talking.

i love you through and through....

yesterday, today, and tomorrow, too.
(especially your bottom side)

happy fourth anniversary to the man with the sexiest rear end i have ever seen.

i love you like crazy...and always will.

thank you for being there for me, for being patient and loving,
for sacrificing your own needs for mine.

thank you for being an amazing father and devoted husband.

thank you for your hard work.

the last four years have been full of ups and downs and sideways and loops and spinning...
but always an adventure.

thanks for being my best friend,
even though it isn't easy.

after all these years, you're still my everything.

i love you.

happy anniversary, hubby!

poem from the book "i love you through and through" by bernadette rosetti-shustak

the post that describes my life

2010-08-24T13:01:00.005-06:00

wow, i guess it's been awhile since i last posted, huh?

there are several reasons for this.

1. i am busy. with a two year old and a 10 month old i hardly get a chance to breathe. nap time used to be my "me" time but now little buddy thinks he doesn't need a nap most of the time...haha.

2. i have been reading during my "spare" time. don't judge me but i love those stupid romance novels that i can download for free on my phone. (and no, not the pornographic ones, hubby)

3. i have had very little to say

4. i have been in a depressive funk for about a week or so. today has been my first "up" day in awhile, which is nice. hopefully it will stay that way.

today i took my kids to the library (little buddy calls it the libwawy). for some reason i've really been marveling over this whole motherhood thing today. i watched buddy carry a little book around the kids section until he found the little tables and chairs. he immediately sat down and started looking through the book. he LOVES to read and it just makes my heart melt when i see his big smile and when he says "mommy eed a towy?" (translation: read a story.) he is growing up so fast i can hardly believe it. we are still potty training, we've had a few setbacks recently but i'm really proud of him for how well he has done. he loves animals, his baby sister and going outside. i look at pictures of him as a baby and it is so hard to believe how much he has changed in just two and a half years.

princess is also growing like a weed. she is nearly 11 months old, has six teeth now, "talks" a ton and has the cutest giggles ever. she gives me hugs and pats my shoulder when she does, which just makes my day. she also likes to head butt and grab faces, two things i'm trying to get her to stop doing. she adores her big brother and they play together so well. she also loves stuffed animals and eating anything she can get into her mouth. both my kids are really tall for their age. at 9 months (her last checkup) she was the average length of a 12 month old, and i'm sure she's grown a ton since then. buddy, at 24 months, was the average height of a 36 month old, in the 101st percentile. wow! tall kids! and skinny, too, although they both constantly eat and eat. i wish i had that metabolism.

i have successfully kept a betta fish alive for several weeks which is a HUGE accomplishment for me. (in may of 09 i killed three of them...all within a week. and i've also killed two goldfish in the last year.) but this one really seems to be thriving (knock on wood). i gave up naming them after gods (thor, apollo, and ares) because they are obviously not immortal. on the way home from the store with this one, hubby said, "may the fourth be with you" because this is the fourth betta. (get it? i thought it was funny....haha) so i named him darth vader. he's a dark blue and is making me so happy by being alive. let's just hope he keeps up the trend.

i also got a part time job. i work at the mall about 10ish hours a week, in the evenings. i miss my family but it is nice to have a few hours to myself, plus the money is a huge help.

in other news....i need to get up off my lazy rear end and start working out again. i got the 3o day shred video that jillian michaels does, and i lost 5 pounds-ish the first week i did it. then i got depressed and didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch/floor/bed and wallow in self-pity. i have been trying to do better about what i'm eating, too. like multi-grain bread, the 45 calorie sara lee stuff which is actually remarkably good. better than most multi-grains. and more fruit and veggies and while i'd like to say less coke, that would be a total and complete lie.

so now that i've overcome the "very little to say" part and the "depressive funk" part and also the reading part (since i finished the last book i was reading) maybe i'll get around to posting more. guess we'll see, huh? i have all these good intentions and rarely do they pan out.

someday i will sing this song...

2010-08-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

Pure
by Superchic(k)

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that's to be found
And life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above, my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where i want to go, the rest will follow
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that i fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found, the lost will be found
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

My soul is at ease and i am free
My soul is at ease and i am free
This is my day, my soul is at ease and i am free
(and i am free, and i am free)

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

i stumble and i crawl...

2010-08-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

Crawl
by Superchic(k)

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here

one day, what's lost can be found...

2010-08-14T06:00:00.001-06:00

Stand in the Rain
by Superchic(k)

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering
if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

i need a hand to hold

2010-08-13T06:00:00.000-06:00

Hold
by Superchic(k)

Tell me that it's gonna be okay
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this

'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me

Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this

i will still remain

2010-08-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

Beauty From Pain
by Superchic(k)

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

superchic(k)

2010-08-11T13:41:00.001-06:00

i love pandora. seriously love it...found another great band whose music really speaks to me. be prepared for a lot of their music over the next few days...and check them out on youtube, it's worth it.

i'm supposed to be here

2010-08-11T13:16:00.000-06:00

Suddenly
by Superchic(k)

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making
might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

EMDR and group therapy

2010-08-09T13:53:00.003-06:00

last week i attended my first session of group therapy and my first session of EMDR.

group was awesome. i went in feeling nervous, slightly anxious and apprehensive because i didn't know what to expect. turns out i left feeling much better. i really liked the therapist that runs it, and the other three women there were all women i felt i could relate to, although not all of them have been abused.

i then went to my first EMDR session on friday, with the same therapist who runs the group. i can't tell you how anxious i was going in to this session, with a therapist i barely knew. when i left i was in a state of disbelief--it really works! she had me think of a memory, my worst memory, and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being not disturbing at all, 10 being the most disturbing memory ever.) for me this was by far a 9 or 10. just thinking about it made me cry, shake, and my chest was tight, heart beating fast, started breathing quickly--very close a full-on panic attack. she didn't make me talk about it, just had me tell her how it made me feel. "terrified" was the word i chose--then she asked me where i felt it. in my chest. so she had me concentrate on the feeling while i watched her fingers go back and forth. when she was done it had gone from a 10 to about a 7. the feeling i got was now "disgusted" and i felt sick to my stomach. she did the EMDR again. it was down to about a five and i felt tense, right through my shoulders and my neck. again the EMDR and the memory was to a three. i felt it in the back of my throat, like there were words stuck there that i couldn't get out. more EMDR and the memory was to a two. i could think about it, remember it in detail, and i felt calm and rational. no panic. no physical pain. it was incredible. now several days later it is the same thing--this memory no longer gives me a panic attack. i can't wait to continue doing this to get rid of my past anxieties that still haunt me.

i have been feeling a lot better the past three or so days since the EMDR, and even since i went to group therapy and had a session with my regular therapist. especially since the crash i had after my stupid hypomanic phase last week. i am so glad that my husband and children are so great and supportive of me.

and, on a plus note, my husband's cousin got married on saturday. my mother and sister in law made this beautiful cake for their wedding dinner:

if you've ever seen the movie Steel Magnolias you will understand the hilarity of this armadillo cake. if you haven't seen it, go watch it. you will love it, i promise.

The One of My Heart

2010-08-08T19:46:00.003-06:00

There are so many people in the world, dear,
but there's no other one that will do.
You are the one of my heart, dear,
and I am the one who loves you.
I have so many stories to tell you.
I know wonderful places to see.
And because we can see them together,
they'll be nicer for you and for me.
Let's race in the sun and be happy.
Let's splash in the stream and drip dry.
Let's roll down a hill and be silly.
Let's lie and watch clouds drifting by.
Let's sit nose to nose and share secrets.
Let's wish on a star, eyes shut tight.
Let's whisper our dreams in the darkness.
Let's snuggle together at night.
If you need me, I'll be there beside you.
If you're lonely, I'll hug you awhile.
If you're lost, I will be there to guide you.
If you're sad, I won't quit till you smile.
Hand in hand, we will greet every morning.
Hand in hand, we will meet every day.
You are the one of my heart, dear,
and nothing can take that away.
No matter how much you may change, dear,
or whether we're near or apart,
I will love you forever and ever,
for YOU are the one of my heart.

I love you, Hubby...YOU are the one of my heart.
Thank you for all of the extra love and support you have given me, for a strong shoulder to cry on, for big hugs and kisses, for patience and understanding........especially over the last month. I wouldn't be here without you. Thank you.

(poem from Bear of My Heart by Joanne Ryder....has been slightly modified)

i'm afraid of the dark

2010-08-05T13:17:00.003-06:00

this thing called bipolar disorder really sucks.

i guess i never really paid a whole lot of attention to my mood swings prior to the diagnosis. but it's been obvious the past couple of weeks--and this last week i had a very obvious hypomanic phase.

hypomanic phases (from what i understand) suck worse than manic phases in the sense that you don't really get that high. i felt pretty good but it wasn't anything fantastic, it was more anxiety. i had this weird agitation going on in my chest that felt like i was going to explode at any second...like in the alien movies. seriously. i couldn't sit still, and at one point i was shaking so bad i couldn't even fold the laundry. plus side, i cleaned my house. but i was so incapable of dealing with emotion that even the smallest argument with hubby led to me freaking out and running away yet again.

i hate losing control. i HATE it. i'm tired of not being in control of myself. like i can sit back and watch myself lose control of my thoughts, emotions and even physical reaction, while the sane part of me wants so desperately to stop it, but can't. the real me is just helpless, reaching out to restrain the disorder but it always slips through my fingers, just out of reach, and i want to scream out in frustration. i cause the people i love most so much pain, frustration, confusion and anger...and all because i love them. sounds twisted, right? it's the truth. i love them so much i think they deserve better than me so i push them away. i love them so much they are the ones capable of hurting me the worst, so i push them away before they have the chance to.

it really sucks.

at least i have the love and support of my husband. i'd be totally lost, and probably dead, without him. he's helping me get the therapy i need. i'm still seeing my therapist, i have a good med doc, and tomorrow i will be seeing a new therapist to start EMDR. i am also officially going to group therapy, a group for women. it's dialectical behavior therapy and will help me to learn new skills to change my thinking and behavior patterns that cause misery and suffering to myself and those around me. we learn new skills that help with mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. these are all things i need MAJOR help with.

so...on i go into the journey of life with bipolar disorder. off into the darkness, the scary unknown, with very little--my husband holding my hand, my therapy "team" guiding me, my friends and family cheering me on. small glimpses of positive. hopefully the darkness will begin to lessen soon, because i'm afraid of the dark.

inspiration award

2010-08-01T12:00:00.000-06:00

i received an email the other day from online health insurance. this website gives away awards to people who have an inspiring story. here is what the email said:

"This award was created for people we feel have an inspiring story of recovery and survival, whether physically, mentally or emotionally. After reviewing your website and reading your inspirational story, we feel your story instills a feeling of hope in us all. Therefore, we want to recognize your story so that others may also feel inspired and hopeful in their own recovery and survival. You can also read more about the award and how it was created on our website."

thank you!

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