i never win anything. my life has been full of contest disappointments. so on this day, this marvelous day in which i am not deathly ill (thank goodness) i have finally broken my losing streak and won a prize. thanks cheryl!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
the bank declined the offer on our house. they were not up front with us about exactly what is going on. poor hubby is freaking out. he's over at our realtor's office now trying to figure out what is going on. our house appraised higher than what we were originally "approved" for for a short sale of our house. we had dropped the price drastically on the understanding of what we had been approved. then come to find out, after receiving an offer, they want us to raise the price $15,000. how is raising the price on our house going to increase interest and traffic through it? we are stressing out....how are we going to deal with this financially?
physically i am doing terrible. vertigo is horrible. i haven't passed out again but i am having a hard time moving around. today was the first time i have left the house in awhile, and it was hard. we took little buddy to the doctor for his year check up and shots. poor kid.
we do have another showing for this evening. i need to go pick up the house and do some dishes so it looks nice. good thing is that our realtor explained to these people the situation with the price and they are still interested in looking. hopefully they will like the house. keep your fingers crossed...we could use all the luck we can get!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
we also got an offer on our house yesterday! can you believe it? the house has been on the market since july, and we finally got an offer. plus, we are expecting a second offer on monday from another family who loved the house. my hubby did a happy dance. i pray that this goes through. now...to pack...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I just wanted to tell you I think you are very courageous. I was abused as a child but only a select few people know this. It was by my step-father. Actually you are only the second person I have ever told in my life. I haven't even told my husband. It has been hard keeping this from him but I know that if I told him he would go after my step-father. I plan on telling him when my step-father passes away. My mother doesn't even know. I have three sisters and they too were abused. I knew me and my older sister were because he didn't care that we were both in the same room. We thought we were protecting our two younger sisters and we thought we watched them pretty good and that since he was messing with us he wouldn't them. We were wrong. Besides talking about it with each other I had to tell my daughter at an early age. I was a single parent at that time and had to live with them. By this time he had quit but I couldn't take the chance with my daughter. He never touched her! I would have killed him if he had. Your post about forgiveness has got me thinking. I don't know if I have forgiven him. He has never acknowledged what he did but I feel like he is sorry for it. I can't be sure. But when we talk about it with our children they can't believe that that man is their Papa. But we still have strong emotional feelings about it. We still see him at least once a week. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable sometimes it's like nothing happened. I don't know why I felt led to write and tell you but I just felt like I had to.
the reason i wanted to share this story with you is this: how many of us have sisters, friends, cousins, next-door neighbors, that have been abused and can't talk about it? haven't talked about it? statistics say that every one in four women and every one in ten men will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18. however, experts believe that this number is much higher because of all the people who don't come forward.
being a victim of abuse, i feel it is easier for me to determine if someone i know has been abused or not. i'm not always right, of course, as there are many forms of psychological trauma. like susan, many of these people are afraid to talk about it. in susan's case she is afraid of her husband's retaliation. for me, i just didn't want to talk about it. i didn't want to come forward because i wasn't ready to. i was afraid of how my parents would react. i was scared it would tear our family apart. i thought i was capable of dealing with it on my own. and i was so wrong.
it is important to remember to be sensitive to others. abuse is so prevalent in our society. we never know who is silently suffering, who needs our help. sometimes unknowingly we can be the saving grace for a friend or a neighbor. we can provide the love, support, and validation that they need, without ever meaning to. it is imperative that we do not pass judgment on someone for not telling. or for telling. we have no idea what they have been through, what they have been told, what is going on in their head.
it is also important to protect our children. i don't know when or if my parents would have found out the abuse i endured if my sister had not come forward. my parents trusted my uncle. they thought they knew him--he was my dad's little brother, my mom had known him since he was six years old. most abusers are relatives or close friends. the parents of our children's friends. i don't want to scare you. there is no possible way to completely prevent abuse. but we can be careful. listen to your gut feelings. teach your children what to do in those kinds of situations, starting at a young age. if you notice anything different about your child's behavior, talk to them about it. be observant. if your child is abused, don't blame yourself. to be honest, it will only make things harder for them. be supportive, get them help and treatment. retaliation against an abuser will only make things WORSE. for you and your child. do not take things into your own hands. go to the police. contact the district attorney's office. prosecute through the court system.
i know there is a lot more that i could say. but i feel i have hit the important points, and i don't want to ramble on. if you are a victim suffering silently, remember that you are not alone. you never know who else suffers your burden, someone you know and love. when you are ready to talk about it, you will be surprised at how loving and supportive people can be. don't be afraid to tell someone, and to get the help you need.
Friday, February 20, 2009
things have been increasingly difficult for me over the past week. i am getting more sick. my headaches are so painful i want to cry every time i speak or move. i am dizzy and weak. i'm stressed out beyond belief. hubby is having a very hard time as well and that makes me feel guilty. i feel terrible that i have not been working; we desperately need the money. he has been keeping the house clean and taking care of the baby. yesterday we got into an argument and i lost my temper (again). financially we are close to losing everything. his anxiety is through the roof and i can't help him. i feel like a terrible wife, and a terrible mother, because i have been so sick i can't give my son the attention i want to.
i am having nightmares more and more. nothing so far related to the abuse. but nightmares still. i hate them. i don't sleep well as it is. the nights i wake up shaking are terrible. last night i woke from a nightmare and saw the face of a woman in front of me, her eyes boring into me, a half-smile on her face as if she knew something horrible that i didn't. i know it was from my dream, and i was in a waking nightmare. when i closed my eyes she was still there staring at me. within a few minutes i fell back asleep and it was gone. more often i have been having those...apparitions...hallucinations...when i am half-asleep and waking from a nightmare. one night i awoke from a nightmare to find spiders crawling up my wall. (i am terrified of spiders and frequently have nightmares about them.) it took me blinking and clearing my head for a few minutes before they went away and i could relax again. these dreams become increasingly real and i hate it.
it disgusts and angers me the way that the abuse i have been through permeates every part of my life and who i am. it makes me sick to think about how i could be if i hadn't been so traumatized. because of someone else's choices i will suffer, my family will suffer. i don't understand how someone could possibly think it is okay to hurt a child, especially in such a sexual and perverse way. i am tired of being angry all the time. i am tired of hating myself. i am tired of being afraid. i am tired of the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks. i am tired of this interfering so negatively with my marriage.
i want it to end. i just want it all to go away. but it never will. no matter how much i work at this it will always be there. sure, i may feel better, it may affect my life less negatively eventually, but after ten years of working on it i am still struggling. will it never just...end?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
my poor son is sick. he has never been sick--literally. he has had pain from teething and growing. but this time, he's got a fever, he's vomiting, he's sleeping more than usual--poor kid. two days before his birthday and he's ill.
we showed our house three times this last weekend. got emails from our realtor today. turns out the people that looked at it are not interested, because of the neighborhood. surprise, surprise. that's why we're leaving. disappointing because we thought that one of them was going to make an offer.
i am still feeling like crap.
went to work yesterday to find that the office was closed---no one told me.
i've been sleeping like i'm seven months pregnant. can't get comfortable, entire body aches, my stomach hurts, pain sleeping on my back. i'm eight weeks! i shouldn't be having this.
those vitamins i take cuz i'm preggers? nasty.
i'm feeling sorrrrry for myselffffff......
okay enough bitching, now for some happy thoughts.
hubby texted me this morning to tell me we're going out to eat at this fantastic brazilian buffet tonight "because i deserve it." mmmmmmmmmm.
i now have 33 followers, yay!
i got to see my friend steph yesterday which was awesome.
i had kiwi for breakfast. i love kiwi.
yesterday since i didn't have to work, hubby and i went shopping for little buddy's birthday. got some fantastic decorations and fun gifts for him! he gets his own cake, too, and we got fun things to decorate it with. i'm excited for the party we are having for him on saturday!
i have pretty orange daisies on my kitchen table. flowers make me so happy.
for valentine's day, hubby got me bath fizzes. i used one yesterday. it was lavender. i love lavender. and it turned the bathwater purple! it was pretty darn cool.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
today i started taking my new antidepressant. my dr put me on celexa while i am pregnant, a really low dose, with the hope and goal that i will go off of it during the third trimester to prevent problems for the baby. i am hoping it will help. the past few weeks have been harder depression-wise.
so there is a lady my hubby works with that has been lending me books. she's the one that lent me the twilight books to read. then she sent home eragon with my husband. now, normally, i don't care for those kinds of books. i did not like lord of the rings. this series is along the same lines. i read eragon and liked it okay, definitely not my favorite book, but not bad. then she sent the second one, eldest. i finished it last night. let me tell you, i really got into that one. maybe about a fifth of the way through i was thinking it was going to be okay, like the first. nope. way more interesting. i couldn't put it down! now i've got to wait for the third one, which i think is called brisingr. i honestly don't even know how many books are in the series. but the end of the second one left me kind of hanging and i have got to know what happens next!
tax return, tax return, tax return came today. hooray for paying off bills and credit cards....and for going out to eat on valentine's day! we weren't going to do anything but then hubby decided instead of running away to sea world (which is what we wanted to do) and blowing it all, we should go out to eat. so he is taking me to red lobster....YUM....because we both LOVE seafood and i think the shrimp there is fan-freaking-tastic. i love it when they do the all you can eat shrimp buffet. yesterday we went to wal-mart, split up and bought valentine gifts for each other. i'm pretty sure he'll like what i got him. :)
so my baby turns a year old in less than a week. i can't believe it. a year ago today i was begging my doctor to induce me because i was so uncomfortable and READY for that baby to be here. i wanted to cry when my dr said he wouldn't induce me until i was at least 41 weeks. but then little buddy was born the day before his due date--i was 39 weeks and six days along when he came into the world. oh man i'm going to cry. i better save the tears for his birthday on the 19th.
well i think i better stop rambling. i wanted to write something a little more heartfelt and serious today, but i just can't. i'm not sure if it's because i'm afraid to because i'll end up crying (stupid hormones) or if it's because i don't know what to say, how to describe what's going on in my head right now. maybe tomorrow something better will spew forth from my keyboard.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
originally posted at modern molly mormon
Forgiving instead of nurturing retribution will help heal the conflicts that fracture our society.
Just as important, when we forgive, our own wounds begin to heal. As we faithfully surrender to the Savior the pain caused us by others, the power of the Atonement heals our wounded hearts, lifts our burdens of sorrow, and brings peace to our families, to our neighborhoods, and to our own souls.
The Apostle Paul reminds us, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)
The judgment and forgiving are the Savior's perogative, for only he can forgive and wash away our sins. He reminds us, "This is my church. It is my name through which they will be saved. It is through my sacrifice. It is I who will judge." (See Mosiah 26:10-24)
How often do we forget who has the right to judge? Forgiveness of sin depends on Him, not on us.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
we went to the dr yesterday and had our first ultrasound done. everything is looking good, only one baby (thank goodness). we heard the baby's heartbeat and it was awesome. the baby is at the bottom of the uterus. our dr said it's "slumming" down there at the bottom...haha!
having a second kid is so much easier. dr knows me, my history, no pelvic exam, no rush on blood work (i'm waiting until next month) etc. the dr suggested acupuncture or hypnosis to help with my migraines. luckily they haven't been too bad so far. nausea sucks, but no throwing up. i threw up a lot with little buddy. just an overall feeling of malaise, the nausea and low grade headaches, sore muscles and being tired. but i am capable of functioning at home and work, which i am so grateful for.
dr also said it was okay for me to go back on my antidepressants. instead of the effexor i will be taking celexa. i took celexa for years, started in 9th grade and took it up through my freshman year of college. it works for me and so i am optimistic. limited side effects and it should affect the baby. he would like me to try and wean off it during the third trimester, but if i have to be on it then it will still be okay. my psychiatrist doesn't want me taking my anxiety med or nightmare meds though, which so far hasn't been too bad. i've had nightmares but nothing too terrifying. hasn't interfered a whole lot with my sleep. and only one panic attack so far. i think the exhaustion from being pregnant has helped me to sleep better at night so far.
i have had really tight muscles in my shoulders and it has been very painful. i didn't have a whole lot of that with little buddy. lucky for me my father in law is a physical therapist, and has his own business. they have massage therapists there that i can see. my in laws don't charge me my copay, so it's free. they just bill the insurance and take care of the rest. isn't that awesome? i'm going in tomorrow night to see if i can get some of my shoulder and back muscles a bit looser.
also another pregnancy annoyance--nasal congestion. and nosebleeds. i hated that last time and i still do. every morning i wake up all stuffed up and my throat hurts because of it. it usually fades within an hour but man is it obnoxious. and getting random bloody noses isn't fun either.
as far as cravings go, i've been drinking a ton of milk. and eating fruit. and other random things that i've seen on tv and such. i want to puke every time i see an arby's commercial, weird because that was one of my cravings last time. curly fries. and now i'm saying YUCK. smell of onions makes me ill. garlic a bit too. and italian food sounds sickening to me. macaroni and cheese sounds yummy. with little buddy i drank tons of slurpees. i would be drinking them a lot with this one too, helps the nausea, but it adds up.
my official due date is september 28th now. i'm really looking forward to getting out of the first trimester, which isn't too far away. i'm glad i haven't been as sick so far with this pregnancy. hopefully it will continue that way.
did any of you who have been pregnant have weird things going on? good/bad symptoms, illnesses, etc?
Friday, February 6, 2009
with little buddy, i was really sick. i had terrible migraines and i would pass out for no apparent reason. dizziness, weakness, on top of the nausea/vomiting/exhaustion/other fun pregger stuff. i spent the majority of my pregnancy in bed wishing i could die, crying, and attempting to get rid of the pain by sleeping. i am really hoping that i don't have those problems, at least not as severe, with this pregnancy. i have already had issues with headaches, and yesterday was miserable. i had a terrible migraine complete with blurred vision and light/sound sensitivity. thankfully hubby is understanding and supportive.
i am still very stressed out about the timing of this baby. but the good news is that i am feeling better. i have been able to talk to hubby about my fear and my stress. i also got to talk to my mom about it today. although i am still scared out of my mind about my ability to handle my impending illness and take care of little buddy the way he needs and deserves, plus keep working to maintain my financial income, i am feeling better about it. i'm still not....exactly excited....but i am happier. in fact i am looking forward to having two beautiful babies. being a mother is the most fantastic thing in the world, the best thing i have ever experienced, and i imagine it only gets better as it gets harder.
both hubby and my mom said exactly the same thing to me today. things they have both said as long as they have known me. they told me that i am stronger than i think i am. that any failures come from me setting myself up, discouraging myself and beating myself up. not allowing myself to succeed. they both told me that i am a good person, a strong person, a wonderful mother. i have never really believed either of them. i try--but i don't think hard enough.
my mom brought over this picture she has had of me as long as i can remember--hanging in her bedroom. it is large, about 10x13, of me when i was about two years old. i am on the sidewalk by our house, bent at the knee and holding a couple dandelions. on the sidewalk next to me are a few more that i am picking up. i am smiling and happy. my mom cried when she gave me the picture. it is her favorite, one my grandmother had printed and gave to her. she said that she had been thinking about this picture a lot lately, especially with all of the struggles i have faced with the aftermath of my abuse. she felt inspired to bring it to me today. she told me to look at the picture, and use it to help me to find myself. to remember who i really am. that i am a strong, happy, daughter of God. that experiences do not determine who i am or whether i am a bad person or good. she said that she knows who i really am inside, that she knows i can find it--i just have a lot of things to clear out of the way before i can see it. she said she has watched me grow up, watched me struggle and fall, watched me in so much pain after what was taken from me. but in spite of all of that, she said she could always see what was inside of me, even when i couldn't. even though i still can't.
hubby says the same thing. although he hasn't known me my whole life, he didn't know me before i was abused, he can still see what i can't: the person i really am. he tells me how strong, and intelligent, and beautiful i am inside, and what a good person i am. i know he gets frustrated that i don't see it. i know it hurts him that i don't listen to him or believe him.
but maybe, just maybe, he is right. maybe my mom is right. maybe i am worth something. maybe i am a good person...maybe all of this junk, all of this pain, and hurt, and anger, and self-loathing is just hiding the true me. like a penny, left in the dirt, covered in grime. clean it off and it's beautiful, shining, pretty.
at this point i'm still too scared and hurt to see past the grime. but maybe there's a faint glimmer of hope....and although it's a cautious hope, it's still hope....like from pandora's box. thousands of ugly, terrible, horrible things, all covering the most important thing in the world: HOPE.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Am I required to forgive my abuser even if they have not repented?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I told my hubby: only 34 weeks to go! and he rolled his eyes and told me he was going to put me in isolation for the next 8 months if I keep it up.
I’m ornery. I’m tired. I’m moody as hell.
I remember why I hated being pregnant so much.
I had bad morning sickness (morning! ha! try all day and all night sickness) until I was 24 weeks along with little buddy. then things got a lot better. my second trimester was great. headaches mostly gone. I wasn’t throwing up all the time. I wasn’t so big I was uncomfortable or in pain. the baby had started moving, we found out it was a boy, and I was so excited.
so I guess if we’re counting down, we should count down to that:
only 8 weeks to go until my second trimester…
Monday, February 2, 2009
thanks for the BIG SURPRISE, mother nature!
we are excited and scared and holy cow...can you freaking believe it?
p.s. if you are a close friend of mine and this is how you are finding out i am sorry. i haven't felt much like doing anything lately. i hope you understand!